DH & his sleep...

Sehrgut · 2023-04-23T12:56:40+00:00

He works a manual job, 40 hours a week over 4 days (4 days on, 3 off). I've had manual jobs and they are tiring, so I have lots of sympathy, but would you think this is too much sleep? So a typical working day: Returns home by 6pm, then falls asleep on the sofa (after eating) by 7pm. Will snooze on sofa until 9/10pm then go up to bed, and his alarm goes off at 6am. Average of 10 hours. Non working day: Sleeps in until 9am, then afternoon nap on sofa 12-2pm. Will eat evening meal and then snooze on sofa from 7pm and go to bed at 9/10pm. Average of 13/14 hours. I was concerned for his health so he went to GP and he's had a clean bill of health, very healthy, he doesn't drink or smoke and eats a healthy diet. I'm beginning to just be very lonely in the evenings when he's snoozing! He doesn't ever fancy going for a meal out, cinema, theatre etc. It's weird because if I'm busy in the house, he'll busy himself doing something and won't nap, but if I'm home and in the same room, his automatic state is to sleep!

Original poster

Sehrgut · 23/04/2023 14:31

And he's snoring now 😒

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zurala · 23/04/2023 14:33

That doesn't sound normal at all. Have they tested for apnea?

Original poster

Sehrgut · 23/04/2023 18:02

GP said he didn't think it was sleep apnea, DH did ask and he asked a few questions! No other symptoms at all.

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Xrays · 23/04/2023 18:06

How old is he? If he’s nearing 50ish I’d say that isn’t that unusual if he’s doing a manual job.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/04/2023 18:08

I hope you don't have kids.

Original poster

Sehrgut · 23/04/2023 19:06

Aquamarine1029 · 23/04/2023 18:08

I hope you don't have kids.

We went through 15 years of unsuccessful infertility treatments, this is a really insensitive and hurtful thing to say.

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Original poster

Sehrgut · 23/04/2023 19:08

Xrays · 23/04/2023 18:06

How old is he? If he’s nearing 50ish I’d say that isn’t that unusual if he’s doing a manual job.

Mid 50s! So maybe just age catching up?

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chipshopElvis · 23/04/2023 19:14

My OH has an active job, is 47 and falls asleep all over the place. He does get up really early. He's either busy or asleep. It's v. annoying as we can never watch anything together every time he sits down he falls asleep.

Kitkatbreak · 23/04/2023 19:16

He sounds like me! I always start snoozing really early, but when DH works away I can still be up at midnight. Take it as a compliment - I always fall asleep next to DH because I feel safe and happy next to him!

BrutusMcDogface · 23/04/2023 19:17

Ah, now I feel bad as my dp has a manual job and is always tired but he really does work very hard. He doesn’t sleep as much as yours though @Sehrgut . As he has a clean bill of health, maybe he needs some encouragement to get out as that might make him live a little more. Currently he seems to be either working or sleeping 😔

Could he be depressed? I’m really sorry to hear of your infertility 😔

DojaPhat · 23/04/2023 19:18

Sehrgut · 23/04/2023 19:06

We went through 15 years of unsuccessful infertility treatments, this is a really insensitive and hurtful thing to say.

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I was going to ask something similar, not to be insensitive but to ask if given he's sleeping so much does he ever do his share of child-rearing and hasn't used his shift work pattern and subsequent need for sleep to shirk his responsibilities.

LividHouse · 23/04/2023 19:19

Did the doctor do blood tests?

BrutusMcDogface · 23/04/2023 19:22

DojaPhat · 23/04/2023 19:18

I was going to ask something similar, not to be insensitive but to ask if given he's sleeping so much does he ever do his share of child-rearing and hasn't used his shift work pattern and subsequent need for sleep to shirk his responsibilities.

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Now you’re being insensitive 🙄

DojaPhat · 23/04/2023 19:34

@BrutusMcDogface I am being insensitive by reading the thread before asking if the OP had children? Then having read the thread posting to say the reason why someone might have asked if they had children. Ok.

Original poster

Sehrgut · 23/04/2023 19:34

chipshopElvis · 23/04/2023 19:14

My OH has an active job, is 47 and falls asleep all over the place. He does get up really early. He's either busy or asleep. It's v. annoying as we can never watch anything together every time he sits down he falls asleep.

Ah exactly, the amount of times he falls asleep during programmes we watch together, I'm hooked and loving the drama unfold but have to pause it/stop watching because he's asleep!

Daft problem to have but it's annoying!

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Original poster

Sehrgut · 23/04/2023 19:40

DojaPhat · 23/04/2023 19:34

@BrutusMcDogface I am being insensitive by reading the thread before asking if the OP had children? Then having read the thread posting to say the reason why someone might have asked if they had children. Ok.

The poster didn't ask me if I had children though, or show any genuine concern about my DH shirking any responsibility - they simply stated "I hope you don't have children.

It's pretty obvious to read the intended tone.

If a poster had simply asked if we had children, or asked if DH pulled his weight then I could understand that and no hurt would have been caused.

But you know that, you're just looking for a reason to be unkind.

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Original poster

Sehrgut · 23/04/2023 19:43

Kitkatbreak · 23/04/2023 19:16

He sounds like me! I always start snoozing really early, but when DH works away I can still be up at midnight. Take it as a compliment - I always fall asleep next to DH because I feel safe and happy next to him!

Funnily enough, that's what DH says - that he's all happy and secure by me, everything is okay, and he can just nod off!

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DojaPhat · 23/04/2023 19:43

@Sehrgut No, I genuinely saw it "as I hope you don't have kids" shorthand as because he'd be 'taking the absolute piss' iyswim? I wouldn't have taken it as a dig at you having or not having kids, nor having experienced fertility problems as there's nothing to indicate that in the OP.

usethedata · 23/04/2023 19:45

Does he snore at night? This sounded like me before sleep apnea treatment

Original poster

Sehrgut · 23/04/2023 19:45

BrutusMcDogface · 23/04/2023 19:17

Ah, now I feel bad as my dp has a manual job and is always tired but he really does work very hard. He doesn’t sleep as much as yours though @Sehrgut . As he has a clean bill of health, maybe he needs some encouragement to get out as that might make him live a little more. Currently he seems to be either working or sleeping 😔

Could he be depressed? I’m really sorry to hear of your infertility 😔

Not depressed as far as I can tell! But that's a good idea actually, I think it'll do him so much good to get out a bit; maybe it's more that it's fallen into being a routine for him?

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iklboo · 23/04/2023 19:47

@DojaPhat - that's how I interpreted it too.

I'm sorry you were upset @Sehrgut, but I honestly don't think it was an attempt at a dig or personal attack.

ForestDad · 23/04/2023 19:58

I get the bored evenings. DW needs more sleep than me and gets up early every day so I'm often awake on my own after 9pm.

Sounds to me like he is giving all his energy to work and saving little for himself and you. Does he need to work FT in a manual role? You don't mention your working situation, could either of you look for a job earning more/hr so you could cut hours and maintain pay?

Second getting something in the calendar for you both to look forward to. It gives a bit of balance to life. Instead of living to work you might start to think that this job is getting in the way of life a bit! Good luck

Daffidale · 23/04/2023 20:05

I don’t think that’s an excessive amount of sleep. Some people need more than others. I definitely am a 10 hours a night person and the weekend is obviously more but not massively so.

it sounds like it’s more that you get bored and lonely when he naps during the day? I wonder if that’s the thing to tackle, not the amount of sleep. So finding things for you to do on you’re own while he naps, and also making sure you have quality time together when he makes an effort to stay awake.

like you wrote “the amount of times he falls asleep during programmes we watch together, I'm hooked and loving the drama unfold but have to pause it/stop watching because he's asleep!”

Now I figure he can either stay awake, or miss the show! It’s lovely that you pause it when he nods off, but have you talked to him about whether he wants you to do that or if he’s happy missing it? I sometimes fall asleep watching TV if it’s late at night and I don’t expect DH to pause or rewatch what I’ve missed.

Pluvia · 23/04/2023 20:06

Ah exactly, the amount of times he falls asleep during programmes we watch together, I'm hooked and loving the drama unfold but have to pause it/stop watching because he's asleep!

I don't understand. Why can't you just watch what you want to watch regardless of whether he's asleep or not?

The other thing I'd suggest you do is develop some interests outside the home so that you have somewhere to go while he's sleeping and have a life outside work even if he doesn't. Crafting, book group, choir, swimming session, exercise, learning German (!) The other thing I wondered was whether he was having a drink or two after work. That plus an evening meal and a warm living room would have me asleep within five minutes.

Original poster

Sehrgut · 23/04/2023 20:11

ForestDad · 23/04/2023 19:58

I get the bored evenings. DW needs more sleep than me and gets up early every day so I'm often awake on my own after 9pm.

Sounds to me like he is giving all his energy to work and saving little for himself and you. Does he need to work FT in a manual role? You don't mention your working situation, could either of you look for a job earning more/hr so you could cut hours and maintain pay?

Second getting something in the calendar for you both to look forward to. It gives a bit of balance to life. Instead of living to work you might start to think that this job is getting in the way of life a bit! Good luck

Luckily our finances are good so he doesn't 'need' to work those 4 days but he loves the job and the team he works with - he has other qualifications though that he could utilise, but he dislikes change so it would be a big leap for him to change things up!

I do think if he even dropped a day he'd have more energy. You're right, that a lot of his energy is put into those 4 days. And definitely I need to book a few things to look forward to.

Really appreciate the replies, thank you!

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