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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to be in contact with my ex everyday?!

26 replies

MummyToZ · 22/04/2023 16:15

I'm new to co-parenting and still trying to navigate how to do it successfully, so hoping any co-parents on here can advise what is normal in these circumstances!

I have a nine month old DD with my ex. He sees her about once (sometimes twice) a week. On the days that he doesn't see her, he texts me incessantly. He wants constant updates throughout the day such as what she's eaten, where we've been, what outfit I've put her in and then along with this wants a million pictures/videos of her. Then in the evenings I spend at least 30 mins holding my phone in front of DD's face while she babbles away to him on FaceTime EVERY night. God forbid a few hours pass by where I've forgotten to send pictures/videos, or I'm just busy, because then I have a flurry of texts asking why I haven't sent anything. If I don't text for a few hours it's "what are you doing now?"

I appreciate that he clearly loves his daughter and wants to know what she's up to, but it's getting a bit annoying that I have to be in constant contact with him for the whole day! I know that it must be hard for him not seeing her everyday, but is this level of contact really necessary? I wouldn't even mind just sending him maybe one text a day with a few pictures with a summary of what we've done that day, I just don't want to text all day. AIBU?

OP posts:
MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 22/04/2023 16:17

Tell him you'll text him at the end of each day with an update, and ignore any texts throughout the day.

Lefteyetwitch · 22/04/2023 16:18

That's way to much.
When will his contact increase? That may give him the fill of her so he can hold onto next time.

piedbeauty · 22/04/2023 16:18

Agree with @MeMyCatsAndMyBooks

Tell him it's too disruptive having him text all the time. Limit it to once a day. And I wouldn't have dd FaceTime him every day either.

mainsfed · 22/04/2023 16:19

YANBU. Why can’t he pick her up and take her to his more often? I would suggest that to him and say the level of updates he wants is unsustainable.

Original poster
MummyToZ · 22/04/2023 16:20

He lives around an hour away and works long hours, which is why he's only able to see her 1/2 a week

OP posts:
Mamette · 22/04/2023 16:22

I think it depends on how the break up happened.

Certainly if he left you, I think it’s OTT of him to expect you to facilitate this.

On the other hand, if it was your decision to leave, then I can see where’s coming from but also see that it’s too much for you. Maybe sit down with him and agree some boundaries.

mainsfed · 22/04/2023 16:23

Mamette · 22/04/2023 16:22

I think it depends on how the break up happened.

Certainly if he left you, I think it’s OTT of him to expect you to facilitate this.

On the other hand, if it was your decision to leave, then I can see where’s coming from but also see that it’s too much for you. Maybe sit down with him and agree some boundaries.

Do you really think it’s ok for OP to be constantly hassled for updates even if she was the one to leave?

MojoMoon · 22/04/2023 16:25

Given she is a baby, providing an update on what she has done each day is also a way to keep tabs on what you have done each day. The baby isn't going to have been out to the park or to meet friends on her own.

So I would be a bit suspicious about whether he is using this as a cover for keeping tabs on you and demanding to take up your time to facilitate video calls etc to make sure you can't spend it doing things you want to do.

Even in happily married couples, if one parent was away for work, multiple updates and photos each day would be overkill.

Mamette · 22/04/2023 16:26

@mainsfed no, hence the last two sentences of my post 🙄

Swingwhenyourewinning · 22/04/2023 16:28

What do you do on the days / nights he is having quality alone time with him?? Do you Harris him with calls and texts ?? Dose he give you the same updates

PonyPatter44 · 22/04/2023 16:32

That's far too much contact, and I am inclined to agree that it sounds as if he is trying to keep tabs on your movements via DD. I would send him a quick update once a day, but ignore all the rest of the blather.

moonspiral · 22/04/2023 16:34

No he's using the baby as an excuse to contact you

MilkshakeEarthquake · 22/04/2023 16:37

I have the opposite when my ex doesn't see the children (which is rare he sees them anyway) we don't hear from him at all in between, I do sometimes wish he was interested in knowing how they were when he doesn't see them but this does sound too full on

ZekeZeke · 22/04/2023 17:07

On the days he has her do you ask for updates/message him?
Imagine how you would feel if you only saw your daughter twice a week, wouldn't you want updates?
He clearly loves her unlike a lot of deadbeat dad's who spend no time/have no interest in their children.
I would agree with telling him you will update him each evening with her days summary.

ChristmasFluff · 22/04/2023 17:08

Block his phone and communicate by email only. I'd actually suggest you do this via a monitored email like OurFamilyWizard or Talking Parents, so he cannot harrass you without it being available for professionals to see, and your appropriate communication is likewise available.

He is currently using your child to control you and htis needs to be stopped.

mainsfed · 22/04/2023 17:09

Mamette · 22/04/2023 16:26

@mainsfed no, hence the last two sentences of my post 🙄

But you can see where’s coming from in constantly asking for updates? He is not owed such frequent updates.

Bonbon21 · 22/04/2023 17:12

He is not 'keeping up' with his baby... he is controlling you.

Thehop · 22/04/2023 17:16

Wean him off.

leave longer gaps between responding, and get to where you're updating on an evening/sending a daily pic x

WheelsUp · 22/04/2023 17:16

Even if you were together and he worked away or something, the contact is excessive. You don't have to provide a daily update with what you did and what she wore and ate. It is difficult being away from your child but she needs the opportunity to live and she will end up dreading the intrusion if it continues to this extent.

Was he controlling as a partner ? It baffles me how much detail he wants- he has no right to know where you go, who you see and what you do all day.

WheelsUp · 22/04/2023 17:22

In your shoes I meant send a pic once a day after she's gone to sleep for the night (I'm assuming that you take at least a pic a day) .
No updates on food, clothing and activities. The only info he needs is medical like illness or jabs. The amount of info he's requesting makes me think he could be paranoid about you moving on so wants to stalk you.

youveturnedupwelldone · 22/04/2023 17:29

Sounds like he wants to control you. Tell him you're not going to do it and see what happens. It's simply not a reasonable ask.

Mamette · 22/04/2023 17:31

Tbh I wanted to find out whether he had made the decision to leave in which case I was going to suggest the OP told him to fuck right off with his demands. But I had no basis for assuming either way.

Mamette · 22/04/2023 17:31

^ sorry, that was to @mainsfed

I don’t know why the reply function didn’t work.

platanenweg · 22/04/2023 17:35

It's just another way of keeping tabs on you. I would consider a co parenting app where you can share a calendar and upload pictures in a shared album, etc. All messages are logged and can be used as evidence in court - if it ever came to it. It might make him rethink how often he contacts you as what he's expecting is completely unreasonable

If he loved his daughter that much, he'd still be with you, being a parent, daily.

Kiwisarenotjustfruit · 22/04/2023 17:48

For now I’d do a once a day update with a little summary (a photo, any pertinent info like tried a new food, isn’t feeling well etc) and he can read her a bedtime story on FaceTime. 5-10 minutes max and it’s not a conversation with you, it’s an interaction with her. When you’ve got that going ok then start talking long term. If he wants near daily involvement he’s going to have to move closer to you and sort his work schedule to accommodate more quality time with his daughter.
Oh and if you’re doing detailed updates and facilitating daily phone contact when he’s not around, then when the time comes for him to have all day and then overnight contact it’s reasonable for you to expect him to return the favour.

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