To take action

[tunnockssnowball]

My stbxh has taken advantage of my dd1 going through a volatile patch, largely because of his coercive/emotional abuse against her, to take my dd2 12 off to the side and built what I'd describe as a codependent relationship with her. She's been sleeping in bed with him every night, which she's now not able to sleep without, meaning she's not slept here for weeks. He's living with his mum whom he's got doing all his house stuff and self employed so takes her to work, so he's spent every waking minute giving her his sole attention, not parenting her at all and letting her do whatever she wants. It's been one week back since Easter break and she's already got him giving her time off school.

When she comes to me, I need to make sure she has a decent meal as he feeds her takeaway daily, a shower, as she announced she's been wearing the same pants for a week when she came in yesterday, so she gets agitated after a few hours and asks to go back to him. He's been taking her to his friends who is smoking weed and taking her out to his car while he's smoking. The list could go on, his mum has called me saying he's neglecting her but he won't let his mum near her, it's like she's in a bubble with him.

Today dd2 asked me to pick her up and bring her home, dd1 is much better and we're through the rough patch so the house is nice and calm again. I'm trying to arrange stuff to do with her, but then she goes and gets her stuff and her dad appears at the door. I text him in the week saying he needs to make himself unavailable so she gets used to being here again, and she'd be sleeping over, he didn't even reply and today didn't run it past me before he came.

Aibu to take action against him here? She's willingly going but he's so coercive it's unbelievable. He's told her stuff like if she lives with him full time he won't have to give me money and he'll buy her things, also told her o cheated on him and that's why I left, categorically untrue, I left because he's evil. Any suggestions what I should do? Would a 12 year old be allowed to choose to stay full time when she's got a loving mum at home? We've never had a crossed word. I did a shamefully get annoyed with her today, I'm just devastated.

Anyone?

He sleeps in the same bed as his 12yo daughter? Smokes weed around her? I'd be contacting the safeguarding lead at school and asking their advice.

Would his mum be willing to report him to social services?

I doubt it, she's really worried but bloods thicker than water and he'd make her life hell. They'd probably just do a home visit, she lives in a fancy estate in a nice house, plenty food, it's warm and cosy...doubt they'd see anything amiss and obviously dd is living life there living like a bachelor

@PollyAmour that's maybe a good shout since her attendance is poor and they know he's a problem

I think a 12 year old daughter sharing a bed with her father would be frowned upon by social services/CAFCASS. Also if he doesn't understand the need for her to change her underwear how is he gonna degotiate periods etc.
The weed smoking too is not on. If she's sitting in the car whilst he smokes who's driving?!
Yes at 12 the courts would certainly consider a child's wishes. You need to start 'gathering evidence' in case you need to go to court but initially I'd try sorting it between you or maybe mediation. In the meantime don't get too relaxed with your other child and take your eye off the ball. It's very easy to focus on the the 'noisy' one.

@JudgeRudy that's exactly what's happened here, trying to get the big one through a crisis caused by him, he's swooped in and took the quiet one

Sorry to hear you're going through this. It might be an idea to speak with the school and ask them to feed back if they have any concerns. Girls that age gossip and blab. You don't need to make accusations but if they hear her mention sleeping in her dad's bed their ears will definitely pick up, likewise drug taking. Ask them to let you know if she's coming into school looking scruffy or smelling of weed. Until a court says otherwise you still have parental responsibility. Schools take Safeguarding very seriously. This also creates a 'buffer' between you and your ex as it will be the school raising concerns not you (if they have any). There might also be a school counsellor who can help her make sense of her emotions.
Good luck

Alarm bells are going off just reading the first few sentences here.

I think you need to inform social services of this completely inappropriate way for the father to treat his 12 year old daughter and don't let it go until they investigate.