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Original poster

Remembering when living with a partner was frowned on!

152 replies

girlfriend44 · 22/04/2023 13:41

Does anyone remember when it was frowned on to live together with a partner. No marriage.

Words like Living in Sin. Living Over the Brush ? any others?

I remember in the late 80s i lived with partner and the manager where i worked didnt approve, made a comment. How things change? Does anyone know anyone who is still old fashioned about it?

OP posts:
AnotherPidgey · 22/04/2023 22:22

MiL didn't allow us to share a bedroom while unmarried in the 2000s. There was a bit of a row one Christmas as one sibling had the spare room with the double bed, and she expected me to sleep alone in a twin bed, and (now) DH to sleep on the cold dining room floor while the other twin bed was empty. MiL did relent after pressure from the siblings. We'd been living together several years by this point and it wasn't a great way to treat DH for the cost and effort of flying over for Christmas for several days.

I was brought up by grandparents in the 1980s because being a single mother was still not the done thing. A shotgun wedding was briefly discussed, but fortunately both families thought it was unlikely to work well.

There's been a lot of "early" first babies in my family through various generations. I rebelled against family tradition and married before conception!

Pencilsaremylife · 22/04/2023 22:31

I lived with two different boyfriends in the early eighties no one ever said anything to me about it had no intention of marrying either of them. Lived with someone for 3 years from 1985, kicked him out and had my son as a single mum in 1988 again no one cared. Not sure where people were living that was so judgemental.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 22/04/2023 22:34

CurlewKate · 22/04/2023 18:16

I often wonder on threads like this whether I lived in a strange bubble, or if some people have inaccurate memories, because a lot of the attitudes people talk about seem to me to be from a generation earlier than mine, and I am very old to be a Mumsnetter. The same goes for memories of attitudes to childcare, and many other things. It sometimes seems that people are transposing attitudes from the 50s and 60s into the 70s and 80s.

I think you may well have lived in a bubble. People are talking here about their own experiences for the most part. I moved in with my boyfriend while we were students and my parents were horrified. This was the early 1980s. We were planning to marry anyway but definitely did it earlier than we probably would have chosen left to ourselves because of my parents' views on living in sin. (It fortunately worked out for us and we've been together over 40 years now.) Plenty of our fellow students were also co-habiting but it was still pretty unusual to have a child together before tying the knot, and that continued to be what I saw amongst my colleagues in accountancy from the mid 80s through to the early 90s. Once we had our own children and started to meet other local families we found a wider range of families, including plenty who weren't married, single parents, same-sex couples. That was my experience and I'm certainly not transposing attitudes from an earlier era. How could I do that? I wasn't alive in the 1950s and I was a small child in the 1960s.

It's always been the case that some people are very socially conservative and others aren't. There's clearly a link to religion in some cases. I don't see a clear cut link to class judging by this thread. We've got some people saying their parents were fine with them living together and that's because they were working class, and others saying the precise opposite. I wonder if some of the people who thought everybody was fine about unmarried couples living together were oblivious to what was being said behind their backs. My parents would have been judging like crazy in private but keeping stum to the people in question. They may be the most judgemental people on the planet, though.

gogohmm · 22/04/2023 22:34

In the last 30 years it's changed a lot. I work for the c of e and I know plenty who aren't married but live together, even 20 years ago this would have been scandalous

Yellowdays · 22/04/2023 22:35

I'm the same generation and it definitely was considered off.

VestaTilley · 22/04/2023 22:36

My DM asked me (only half jokingly) when DH and I were going to “get married and stop living over the brush”. This was circa 2014. We got engaged in 2015 and married in 2016. I’m 37.

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 22/04/2023 22:43

DH and I before we were married. Must've been about 1985. We were travelling (in the UK) and knocked on the door of a house advertising B&B. An old lady answered and we asked for a room. She said "Are you married?" I knew immediately what she meant and was about to say "Yes" but DH said "No" and she said "Disgusting!" and slammed the door!

RaininSummer · 22/04/2023 22:47

It didn't seem much of an issue in the 80s in my family or friend circle. I lived with my children and their father from 1985 without any comment. In 1981 my nan actually offered the upstairs of her house to me and then boyfriend saying 'I should try before I buy'.

sonearly · 22/04/2023 22:56

girlfriend44 · 22/04/2023 13:41

Does anyone remember when it was frowned on to live together with a partner. No marriage.

Words like Living in Sin. Living Over the Brush ? any others?

I remember in the late 80s i lived with partner and the manager where i worked didnt approve, made a comment. How things change? Does anyone know anyone who is still old fashioned about it?

Yeah I remember grandparents being like that.

Then we had a generation or two that mostly seemed unable to be married for 30 seconds without affairs, domestic violence, abandoning the family or any of a million other things and they couldn't pull off the moralizing so convincingly tbh.

Judgyjudgy · 22/04/2023 23:32

Isn't it still frowned upon in a way. I was just thinking this the other day, standard response on MN is you need to be married to protect yourself and I was thinking how sad that is at that was pretty much why marriage was invented (property ownership)

Mutabiliss · 23/04/2023 00:03

Dacadactyl · 22/04/2023 18:48

I just think it leads to people not being serious about relationships. Like, if someone is good enough to live with, why not get married to them?

My husband wanted to rent a house with me before we got married (we'd had DD by this time). I said no because I wanted to get married first and think you run the risk of never getting married then, if you're living together first. I think women in particular fall foul of this (as we see so often on here)

Hang on, what? You had a child with someone but didn't live with them? Were you not sure about him, then?

Anyway, I'm good enough as I am thanks - no need to get married to prove that.

GobbieMaggie · 23/04/2023 00:07

Way before my time and I’m in my 40’s.

WandaWonder · 23/04/2023 00:09

CurlewKate · 22/04/2023 18:16

I often wonder on threads like this whether I lived in a strange bubble, or if some people have inaccurate memories, because a lot of the attitudes people talk about seem to me to be from a generation earlier than mine, and I am very old to be a Mumsnetter. The same goes for memories of attitudes to childcare, and many other things. It sometimes seems that people are transposing attitudes from the 50s and 60s into the 70s and 80s.

I was born mid 70's and had older friends growing up I never heard and comments when people just lived together it all just felt totally normal, I had friends with teenage pregnancies, friends with children from different relationships no one seemed to ever comment

I see heaps of comments about ot on forums but not in real life

LunaNorth · 23/04/2023 00:22

I wouldn’t have dared even broach the subject of moving in with my first husband before marriage. This was in 1997.

By the time I met my second one, things had changed. I didn’t even tell my mother he was moving in, I don’t think. He just did.

I think she worked out that maybe if she hadn’t been so old-fashioned first time around, it would have saved a lot of heartache and expense!

Neurodiversitydoctor · 23/04/2023 06:00

LunaNorth · 23/04/2023 00:22

I wouldn’t have dared even broach the subject of moving in with my first husband before marriage. This was in 1997.

By the time I met my second one, things had changed. I didn’t even tell my mother he was moving in, I don’t think. He just did.

I think she worked out that maybe if she hadn’t been so old-fashioned first time around, it would have saved a lot of heartache and expense!

And this why I think it's a really good idea to live together first. Although I would suggest getting married before having children.

justlurkinghere · 23/04/2023 06:23

I remember when it was becoming more common. I think I was early teens and there was something on TV about it. My mother said, "If he loves me enough to live with me, he can marry me!" She didn't approve. Yet when I wanted to marry my DH a few years later, my parents were all encouraging to just live together first. We didn't and married.

wildinthecountry · 23/04/2023 07:05

PuttingDownRoots · 22/04/2023 14:01

I was told I wasn't allowed to mention staying overnight with my fiancé (or that we might live together, we didn't as he was in the Army) when working at a Catholic school in 2010!! We had to appear to be respectable women apparently.

I had never lived with my Husband pre-marriage as we were army too so you couldn't get a quarter until married , and as far as I know it has not changed .
People, mostly girlfriends have tried to change this , but regulations make this hard , such as reg. against sleeping other soldiers spouses ,whereas boyfriends/girlfriends would be fair game , and would cause no end of trouble .

itsabigtree · 23/04/2023 07:08

My then boyfriends dad never told his mum that my we were living together before marriage. This was only ten years ago 😂

ferneytorro · 23/04/2023 07:21

CurlewKate · 22/04/2023 18:16

I often wonder on threads like this whether I lived in a strange bubble, or if some people have inaccurate memories, because a lot of the attitudes people talk about seem to me to be from a generation earlier than mine, and I am very old to be a Mumsnetter. The same goes for memories of attitudes to childcare, and many other things. It sometimes seems that people are transposing attitudes from the 50s and 60s into the 70s and 80s.

But surely that’s because the attitudes are coming from our parents who are of that era and had those beliefs drummed into them. I was born in 2972, my mum in 1941 and when I think of some of the batshit “rules” she drummed into me which I followed this is how old attitudes persist.

i wasn’t “allowed” to wear coloured nail varnish when I got married in 2001 for example.

ferneytorro · 23/04/2023 07:21

ferneytorro · 23/04/2023 07:21

But surely that’s because the attitudes are coming from our parents who are of that era and had those beliefs drummed into them. I was born in 2972, my mum in 1941 and when I think of some of the batshit “rules” she drummed into me which I followed this is how old attitudes persist.

i wasn’t “allowed” to wear coloured nail varnish when I got married in 2001 for example.

Show quote history

1972!!

WordtoYoMumma · 23/04/2023 07:42

About 25 years ago I was living with a boyfriend, I'd been to an event at my mum's church and someone gave me a lift home. They asked where my boyfriend lived and I said "in the flat with me" and the lady giving me a lift went a funny colour and didn't talk to me the rest of the journey 😁

Minimalme · 23/04/2023 07:48

I used to tell my parents I'd have a 'live in lover' just to piss them off.

I was quite young and my family were Catholic - still makes me laugh to remember their irritation.

WeAllHaveWings · 23/04/2023 07:50

I was a teen in the 80s. No one was bothered about couples living together, I knew one work colleague in her early 20s who lived in her own flat and noone blinked an eye when her bf of 3 years moved in. He moved out 2 weeks later because her very religious parents went ballistic when they were told. So they married about 2 months later and he moved back in.

yuiloeq · 23/04/2023 08:00

I'm 34, living together is so common now that I don't know any couples that don't live together before getting married. However I chose not to - i guess it's a personal choice and belief that unless a man wants to commit to me and me only for the rest of his life, I don't want him to have access to my life everyday. I know people might get married dreaming about a happy ever after and divorce later. But the intention of a life-long commitment and sharing everything together, for me, is love.

Freshlysteamedvajayjay · 23/04/2023 08:39

I’m late 30s, live in NI (think attitudes are a bit different here).
Neither parents are religious, though ILs do love ‘tradition’ and my parents are prudes. Got married earlier 2010s after living together for a little bit first, got engaged shortly after moving in and both parents were a bit funny about us living together first. His had no issue with him staying with me occasional nights (I lived with flatmates and then alone) mine deluded themselves that he never stayed over.
The few times we stayed at my parents before marriage, they insisted on separate beds.

The majority of our friends lived together first, but I can think of 4 couples who didn’t, though none were especially religious. More came down to frowning parents and those who had never moved out of home for uni/early 20s.

Almost everyone I know has married before kids. I know a few who have had a surprise pregnancy and the attitude has very much been to get married before the baby arrives.