Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Preparing kids to meet new partners

26 replies

Brinjalbabe · 22/04/2023 11:45

Posting for traffic

I’ve been with a lovely man for 9 months and we are discussing meeting his son - 7yo

Any tips for making the process go well? I’ve read online but I would like to ask for real experiences.

Should my partner be doing something to prepare his boy for what is going to happen? We hope to live together one day but all depends on how this works. I’m trying to keep my expectations low

I will meet his ex partner before the child and we are respectful of not rushing anyone but at the same time want to move our relationship forward

Thanks!

OP posts:

Luckydip1 · 22/04/2023 11:55

I think your partner should ask his son if he would like to meet you? If yes, meet somewhere neutral for a short period and see how it goes.

Didtheythough · 22/04/2023 11:56

The fact that you're putting so much thought into this, and involving his mum, makes me think you'll be absolutely fine. Good luck.

Original poster

Brinjalbabe · 22/04/2023 12:47

@Luckydip1 I would be the first introduction of anyone and he is not aware that I exist. His mum has had a partner for many years but she lives separate lives

His child sounds mature and lovely however is used to being the only person in his parents’ lives for his entire life. There has never been any compromise on what they want. This is why I am asking about preparation

OP posts:

Luckydip1 · 22/04/2023 12:50

@Brinjalbabe yes, but does he want to meet you?

PTAProblems · 22/04/2023 12:52

I agree with @Luckydip1 your partner needs to ask if his son wants to meet you and listen to his answer. My father always forced meeting with his partners and not many went well.

Seriously79 · 22/04/2023 13:01

I would make it an 'accidental meeting' when you just happen to bump into each other. Maybe grab a milkshake, and stroll around the park, light and breezy with no pressure on anyone.

Twinedpeaks · 22/04/2023 13:03

Luckydip1 · 22/04/2023 12:50

@Brinjalbabe yes, but does he want to meet you?

He doesn't know about her, so he can't want to or not want to!

MyBloodyMaryneedsmoreTabasco · 22/04/2023 13:05

Why are you meeting the ex first??

purplecorkheart · 22/04/2023 13:05

I think your partner should tell his son about you and wait much longer until you meet up. Let him get used to the idea of you before you meet up and let him decide when he wants to meet you. Do not do an accidental meet up.

sylvandweller · 22/04/2023 13:12

Too soon.

Give it another year

Original poster

Brinjalbabe · 22/04/2023 13:13

A lot of conflicting advice!

I’ve read that an intro as a friend which becomes more seems to be the preferred method, but is this only for younger children?

@purplecorkheart @PTAProblems If he were to say no then where do we go?

@MyBloodyMaryneedsmoreTabasco it is at her request but has been made clear it is not an interview or to give permission, it’s a courtesy. My partner said he would expect this to be reciprocated. I think we need her to be on board but maybe it’s about control?

OP posts:

Original poster

Brinjalbabe · 22/04/2023 13:14

@sylvandweller I have been told the younger the better…

OP posts:

Luckydip1 · 22/04/2023 13:45

@Twinedpeaks maybe for her partner that he has a new friend who he really likes and how would you like to meet her some time?

sylvandweller · 22/04/2023 13:57

Brinjalbabe · 22/04/2023 13:14

@sylvandweller I have been told the younger the better…

I meant that nine months is too soon.

That's just dating / seeing someone.

MilkshakeEarthquake · 22/04/2023 13:59

sylvandweller · 22/04/2023 13:12

Too soon.

Give it another year

2 years before meeting her partners child? Mn is another planet sometimes

sylvandweller · 22/04/2023 14:02

Yes.

Given all the horrendous stories (and those are only the ones that make the press) around about child abuse and child murder, I think two years is very sensible.

What's the rush?

Original poster

Brinjalbabe · 22/04/2023 16:50

@sylvandweller - I can assure you I am not a child abuser!

OP posts:

Original poster

Brinjalbabe · 22/04/2023 16:51

But anyway, can anyone offer some practical advice? Thanks

OP posts:

lemonyellows · 22/04/2023 16:57

When I first met my DHs children, we met them all in the play park. I also went with a friend so it was less formal meeting.

He obviously spoke to them and they agreed that they would like to meet up, so we (minus my friend) took them to wildlife park for the day. Informal. Lots of other things to talk about like the monkeys, favourite animals. Worked well.

JustCheck · 22/04/2023 17:00

When my partner met mine, it was a casual dropping in for a coffee. We kept the time short to start with, then progressed to having dinner, or having movie/sweets evenings. They started asking when he was next coming over etc. We had dated for 18 months first though.

JustCheck · 22/04/2023 17:01

@lemonyellows makes a good point about conversation opportunities. Mine are all into gaming so we used that as a jump-off to avoid any awkward silences

autienotnaught · 22/04/2023 17:06

My dd were 6 and 8 when they met dh. We had been together 6 months. We went out for lunch at a brewers fayre which had a play area. I would say be polite and interested don't get involved in behaviour management and don't force anything. After the first meeting assuming it goes well I would do one every week or two depending on how often he sees his dad this can naturally evolve to you going to the house. Make sure his ds is happy with meeting you first tho.

Flamingogirl08 · 22/04/2023 17:08

Brinjalbabe · 22/04/2023 16:51

But anyway, can anyone offer some practical advice? Thanks

I've been there and would say keep the first meeting short and casual so maybe the park or something.

Be honest that your daddy's girlfriend, kids aren't stupid so no need to lie.

Don't push anything on the kid just build up slowly so meet ups get longer gradually.

Also dont stress too much, most kids are pretty adaptable. I have a great relationship with DSD daughter now, DH even jokes that she prefers me to him 🤣

Fireyflies · 22/04/2023 17:16

Best is to meet somewhere where you've got something to do together, eg at a park or out for a walk. 7 year olds don't find conversation just for the sake of it so easy. It's a great age to meet them though - my youngest DSS was 7 when I met him and a very easy, chatty little boy to get to know (his 11 year old brother found it harder to get used to me).

Be aware that if you're nervous you'll naturally want to be close to your DP for reassurance, but best not to be at all touchy with each other at first (or for a long while tbh), so save that for afterwards.

After that just build up to being around some of the time when he's with his dad, but always giving them some of each weekend with just the two of them. Watching movies or TV series together is good. Cooking a meal, getting him to show you whatever toys etc he's into. Talk a bit about your own life when the opportunity arises, eg if you have a job he'd understand, or talk about things you did when you were his age, but let the child lead the conversation much of the time.

And make sure you and your DP continue to have time together with just the two of you, as you'll need but time to be close and talk properly will need to be when the child isn't around for a long while yet. Good luck!

Oh and ignore crazies who tell you to wait at least two years before meeting a child (what planet are they on?!!) How can you possibly know if a relationship is going anywhere until you've seen them being a parent and can see how it might all fit together with you too? 7 months is plenty to know you're ready to try that next step.

mrsplum2015 · 23/04/2023 01:17

My dp first met my dc when he popped in to pick me up for dinner.

They are older (18 14 9) so is a bit different as he kind of plays a different role to all of them, being such different ages.

The first time he spent time with my youngest (9) we did the zoo so they could just chat without pressure.

I think he then came over to watch a football game with the older kids and youngest was in and out.

Then it was generally just him being around at my house for meals etc.

It is a little different as he has his own older dc and doesn't really get too involved in parenting mine.

Given your circumstances you will likely have a bigger role with the dc. I had a relationship with a younger man prior and he had a 7 year old dd. He wasn't particularly involved with my dc but he was often at his house with them (when my dc were with their dad) and she saw me as a second mum. I found it really hard to end the relationship bc of her. She had struggles with her own mum and just naturally gravitated towards me. I always feel guilty for it. Maybe bear that in mind but it sounds like his ex is more involved and interested, by meeting you, so hopefully all will be fine! Good luck :)

Flip

1 2