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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to feel this way about my 18m baby

33 replies

Newperson4 · 22/04/2023 10:51

He’s pure hard work in every sense of the word.

I know I will get flamed because everyone will say BUt THESe arE NOrmaL TOdDLEr THInGS but, he takes it to an extreme.

Doesn’t sleep well, doesn’t eat well and is pure chaos with no sense of danger. He is extremely stroppy and will purposely do things to get told “no” i.e putting small things in his mouth or standing and running along sofas/beds. He spends so much time crying and he is really impatient with everything, will cry if I leave the room and will cry for 30 odd minutes before every sleep. He hates being in the buggy or carseat too long and will cry but if I let him out to run and play he will bolt or fall over constantly and get hurt, he wont hold my hand and when I pick him up and try and get him back in the buggy he will go rigid and scream.

I can’t get showered or dressed in the morning unless he is asleep because you have to watch him non stop or he will throw himself off my bed or try and eat a plug.

Sit him up to eat and 9 times out of 10 he will swipe the entire lot onto the floor and end up only eating a yoghurt.

With sleep he really fights it. We put him to bed at 7 and he will wake at either 11 or 4, sometimes both and wont go down again without milk. Sometimes he is up for the day at 4, latest is usually 6. He is tired again by 9 and ends upsleeping for 2h and then not wanting an afternoon nap which means overtired by bedtime. If we wake him after 1h he mostly still wont have an afternoon nap.

He spends 2d at nursery and he completely refuses all sleep there so he is a nightmare on those two evenings.

I am just at a complete loss. I hate my life at the moment, it is such a slog. I just wish he would let up on something. Aibu to feel this way?

n.b he is my second, his brother was an angel in comparison.

OP posts:
Flittingaboutagain · 22/04/2023 10:53

Toddler life is hard. I'm in it too. Are you a single parent?

Original poster
Newperson4 · 22/04/2023 10:55

I’m not, I have a Dh.

OP posts:
Didimum · 22/04/2023 11:19

I’d try to address his sleep first, so at least you can rule out overtiredness exacerbating behaviour and at least get some decent rest yourself. The nap schedule seems a little off. Have you tried the 2-3-4 wake time schedule? 12-24m is a good time for this. From wake up, 2hrs til first nap, let him sleep for at least 1.5hrs and then 3hrs til next nap, then 4hrs til bed. If he refuses 2nd nap when you’re still trying to implement this, give him a super super early bedtime. 5:45pm if necessary, since the hours from bedtime to midnight are the most restorative for overtired babies. If he wakes up at 6am, it would look something like nap 1 at 8am, nap 2 down at 12-1pm, then bedtime between 6-7pm. If he wakes up a 4am, then nap 1 at 6am, nap 2 at 11am, and then 5:45pm bedtime. Give this your best effort for at least 2 weeks. Ask nursery to try their best to this schedule, but nursery days might always be a bust - which is normal for most kids and they can cope if the rest of their week is decent.

Original poster
Newperson4 · 22/04/2023 11:25

Hi @Didimum Thanks for this advice. One issue we have with this is the school run will probably mess up the morning bit as we leave at 8.30 and back at 9, but we can give it a good go I think. I think i’m partly worrying he should be down to one nap by now as well, but hes so tired in the mornings still.

OP posts:
butsomeonesgottadoit · 22/04/2023 11:32

How was the birth ? In comparison to his brother ?
You could try craniosacral therapy - it's very gentle and safe, and excellent for babies who don't feel comfortable in their own bodies, leading to the kind of behaviours you describe - especially the difficulty relaxing to sleep.

Cakeandslippers · 22/04/2023 11:55

Sympathy! My ds was exactly like this at 18mo, it was exhausting! He was a bit different re sleep though-wouldn't nap in the day and was up at least 5 times a night too, just never seemed tired. Still sleeps less than his older sister now so it wasn't tiredness for him but i would consider that. He's coming up 3 now and I'm the last 4 months he's changed so much. He's still a handful but it's manageable now, hopefully you'll find the same. I have no useful advice but I do remember the utter exhaustion of never being able to relax for a second!

Didimum · 22/04/2023 11:58

Newperson4 · 22/04/2023 11:25

Hi @Didimum Thanks for this advice. One issue we have with this is the school run will probably mess up the morning bit as we leave at 8.30 and back at 9, but we can give it a good go I think. I think i’m partly worrying he should be down to one nap by now as well, but hes so tired in the mornings still.

Daily routines are hard to get around! Though once’s he’s ‘corrected’ he should be able to cope with some flexibility, especially when he’s not routinely waking at 4-6am. Can your dh take on the school run for just 2 weeks?

Didimum · 22/04/2023 12:05

Newperson4 · 22/04/2023 11:25

Hi @Didimum Thanks for this advice. One issue we have with this is the school run will probably mess up the morning bit as we leave at 8.30 and back at 9, but we can give it a good go I think. I think i’m partly worrying he should be down to one nap by now as well, but hes so tired in the mornings still.

Alternatively, tackle in the school holidays instead. Do not fret about dropping naps. Both my kids kept on two naps until they were well over 2.

Original poster
Newperson4 · 23/04/2023 08:50

So yesterday he slept 10.30-11.30 (i had to wake him as we had to pick his brother up from a party) I was hoping he’d then have an hour in the afternoon but obviously he refused.

Put him to bed at 6.15 after a bath and a book. He woke at 11.45pm and was awake crying for a while so I gave him a bottle of milk. Then he was awake until gone 2am just rolling around, crying, shrieking and singing. Finally went off and then woke at 5.45am 🥹

Offered breakfast at 7.30, ate a handful of cut grapes and banana and swiped his pancakes onto the floor without trying them. Ate a frube.

I put him down for a nap shortly after 8, trying to follow the 2/3/4 routine but tbh I am not hopeful. He is currently shouting.

I’m shattered, and I feel guilty saying this but I am feeling really negatively towards him. I feel suffocated.

OP posts:
MaPaSpa · 23/04/2023 08:55

Can you put his fruit in his yoghurt and try it that way. Or does that go on the floor as well?

Original poster
Newperson4 · 23/04/2023 08:59

@MaPaSpa We have to spoon feed him anything like that or else it will be launched. We hold the yoghurt and let him do the spoon as well if he seems calm.

OP posts:
Mariposista · 23/04/2023 09:11

Hard and annoying as it is, ignore the crying (unless there is something worth crying over - you will know if he is hurt or unwell). Take back your independence RE showers/bathroom, if he can’t be left alone get a playpen. Sleep train.

ChocHotolate · 23/04/2023 09:17

Toddlers are arseholes. Sorry.

Makingamess4212 · 23/04/2023 09:19

Newperson4 · 23/04/2023 08:50

So yesterday he slept 10.30-11.30 (i had to wake him as we had to pick his brother up from a party) I was hoping he’d then have an hour in the afternoon but obviously he refused.

Put him to bed at 6.15 after a bath and a book. He woke at 11.45pm and was awake crying for a while so I gave him a bottle of milk. Then he was awake until gone 2am just rolling around, crying, shrieking and singing. Finally went off and then woke at 5.45am 🥹

Offered breakfast at 7.30, ate a handful of cut grapes and banana and swiped his pancakes onto the floor without trying them. Ate a frube.

I put him down for a nap shortly after 8, trying to follow the 2/3/4 routine but tbh I am not hopeful. He is currently shouting.

I’m shattered, and I feel guilty saying this but I am feeling really negatively towards him. I feel suffocated.

It was recommended on another thread to remove the milk bottle during the night. If he wakes up screaming either give him milk in a sippy cup (less comforting than a bottle), or just give him water in a sippy cup. Apparently they learn very quickly that it's not worth the effort in waking up just for water🤷‍♀️

He might be more hungry during the day if he has less milk, and his behaviour might improve with less interrupted sleep.

Original poster
Newperson4 · 23/04/2023 09:20

@Mariposista We have sleep trained. A while ago he was sleeping 7-7 with feed at 3am. He knows how to self settle, he is just completely refusing to do it. We leave him to cry plenty, but it is actually SO loud it keeps us up even with all doors shut and the monitor off. It wakes our 5yo too even though he has a white noise machine.

He is just completely refusing sleep rn and I feel at my wits end. I dont want to see him.

OP posts:
Coffeeandbourbons · 23/04/2023 09:21

Can you buy a playpen? One of the solid ones with metal bars so he can’t escape like this:
https://www.therange.co.uk/baby-nursery-and-toddler/safety-and-healthcare/safety-gates/converta-3-in-1-playpen-barrier/?gclid=CjwKCAjwrpOiBhBVEiwA_473dCWPb2h0JJiw6kqRGMZFVC_naz_RVrlhcC5xT3mo9xd1hsNx6gvDFxoCa00QAvD_BwE#6079132

Then at least you can gran a shower or coffee even if he cries or whinges, he’ll be safe in there and not able to do anything dangerous.

He sounds over tired (as do you) - does he go to sleep in a state of excitement (eg crying or shouting) as I find that’s a recipe for a wake up a short time later?

Original poster
Newperson4 · 23/04/2023 09:21

@Makingamess4212 would you allow a bottle at other times, just not in the night?

OP posts:
MeinKraft · 23/04/2023 09:23

Yeah my almost two year old is getting on like this at the minute. Think she might be teething or something, that's usually what it is when she launches food, refuses sleep and basically acts the wag. Try a dose of nurofen before nap time.

Original poster
Newperson4 · 23/04/2023 09:26

@MeinKraft Ive put calpol and nurofen in his milk this morning, which hes finished just in case its that. 🥲

OP posts:
Redebs · 23/04/2023 09:26

ChocHotolate · 23/04/2023 09:17

Toddlers are arseholes. Sorry.

Ha ha 😂 yes

Look after yourself OP

abmac95 · 23/04/2023 09:30

No advice (cause I don't think there is any advice that will help). I will say that it does suck but that it will pass. What you describe sounds normal but that dosen't make it any easier.

purplesky18 · 23/04/2023 09:40

My boy is nearly 2 and is very similar to what you describe. Infact his sleep was also the same from 18m until a few months ago when he finally slotted back into a routine. He’s a bolter, has no sense of danger and until the past week has been very speech delayed. I have an incling my son may be on the autism spectrum. It’s hard hard work but my sons frustrations are getting better now he is starting to communicate more. If it’s any consolation my 5 year old was the exact same and was on reigns walking until 3 but now she’s a joy. Hang in there x

Original poster
Newperson4 · 23/04/2023 09:43

Thanks @purplesky18 he is just such a conundrum baby to me, I loved being a mother to my other son and always managed to handle any issues, teething, sleep regressions etc but I feel SO out of my depth here. I have wondered if he could be neurodiverse for a lot of reasons but too soon to say.

OP posts:
FourBoysAndAFeline · 23/04/2023 09:52

OP that sounds absolutely exhausting!

I would consider contacting your HV for guidance, they will hopefully have someone there trained to help you with sleep issues.

How much milk does he have in a 24 hour period?

FourBoysAndAFeline · 23/04/2023 09:54

Newperson4 · 23/04/2023 09:43

Thanks @purplesky18 he is just such a conundrum baby to me, I loved being a mother to my other son and always managed to handle any issues, teething, sleep regressions etc but I feel SO out of my depth here. I have wondered if he could be neurodiverse for a lot of reasons but too soon to say.

I'm glad you mentioned neurodiversity as I didn't want to plant that seed.

I have a child with ADHD and ODD, the second he turned three he did all the things your son is doing. Sleep was hell.

Hopefully your little one, because he is so young, it will be just a phase.

Google ASQ SE for 18 month old and ask your HV to complete one for you.