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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To add bully parent to group chat

16 replies

Fishflopper · 21/04/2023 23:06

Omg 12 yr old girls!!!

Dd has had a tough time. Lots of emotional bullying from a so called friend. As a parent I have found it really full on hearing of horrid behaviour, reading manipulative messages and seeing dd devastated and upset.

Dd has put up with being ignored, isolated, being told she can't be included, then confronted and berated that she didnt involve herself being told people don't like her, name calling, subject of gossip inside school and plethora of manipulate messages outside school almost constantly and messages telling her they are testing dd loyalty by treating her this way. Dd has cried alot over this.

Everything came to a head this week, dd cornered by a large group of girls at school. I called the friends parents who were completely unaware there was problem and told them what has been going on and wht happened at school. I asked them to speak to their dd to leave my dd alone. School now aware and investigation and steps in place to resolve. But my god these girls don't quit, this evening adding DD to a group chat with 2 other girls over good old fashioned text message, which is strange as all messages between the girls have always been over social media. The messages are subtle, just the two girls talking about something that happened at school and arranging to meet - nothing sinister but absolutely no reason to add dd to the chat given the issues. BUT we can not remove dd from the group or block it as there are only 3 members (i mean how ridiculous is that) and although both girls are blocked the group isn't and there is no option to block the group.

I'm now just completely p*ssed off with with the whole thing. Dd in tears she isn't invited to the meet up and wasnt at school so doesnt know what they are talking about. Whilst I can't remove dd or block this new group, I feel like now adding the friends parents to the group and myself, sharing the chat history and calling it out that there no need to involve dd and to leave her alone. Aibu - is it too much, not responsible, over stepping the boundry. Have I let my own anger to this situation cloud my judgement?

OP posts:

IrregularChoiceFan · 21/04/2023 23:10

If you can add people to bring the numbers up to remove dd, that's exactly what I would do.

Honestly stuff this this is so horrible, you can't even really raise it as they aren't being directly nasty. Your poor dd

BellaBlossoms · 21/04/2023 23:27

I wouldn’t play games like adding them to the group, I’d go round and show them the group messages. The girls are doing this for a reaction from your DD and I’d take a step back (although I know that’s difficult) when you DD is so emotional about the full thing. I don’t miss these years, take heart, they don’t last forever.

Theunamedcat · 21/04/2023 23:30

Is it WhatsApp? Can you not delete and reinstall the app?

Saz12 · 21/04/2023 23:34

Does dd have friends outwith school? Cousins? Add them to the group so she isnt in a tocic trio

BellaBlossoms · 21/04/2023 23:34

Theunamedcat · 21/04/2023 23:30

Is it WhatsApp? Can you not delete and reinstall the app?

adding DD to a group chat with 2 other girls over good old fashioned text message, which is strange as all messages between the girls have always been over social media

It says in the Op it’s a text group.

Haleso · 21/04/2023 23:36

Can you change your DD’s telephone number? Fresh start and encourage her to not share it with anyone involved.

Contoneaster · 21/04/2023 23:38

Please don't think all 12 year old girls behave like this so your dd will just have to put up with it or have no "friends." They don't and I'm sure your dd can do better than these girls. Encourage her to try and mix with other, nicer girls

greenthumb13 · 21/04/2023 23:38

Tell the girls' parents. Tell them you have read it on the text and to never text your dd again.

Bimbom · 21/04/2023 23:39

If you bring this up with the parents, all that will happen is their DDs will tell them wide eyed that they added your DD by mistake, and that'll be relayed back to you.

I would continue to let the school deal with it and in the meantime get the bullies phone numbers blocked on your DD's phone so they can't text message her.

Hankunamatata · 21/04/2023 23:46

Screen shot and send to girls parents - tell them that their dd have added your dd to group text chat, please remove your dd and block her number in their childs phone as she is not suppose to be contacting your dd.

Hankunamatata · 21/04/2023 23:49

Then I'd change dd mobile number asap

AnuSTart · 22/04/2023 12:23

Get her a new mobile number and tell her she must not give it to anyone else.

I'm so sorry she is going through this. I was bullied mercilessly at that age and I'm so grateful to the universe that mobile phones or the internet were not a thing then.

Don't add people or messages to the group. The only option is to ignore (imho)

Floppyelf · 22/04/2023 12:26

the other girls Are over 10 years old. If your daughter perceives these repeated actions as harrasment, take it to the police so that the girls could never contact your dd again. As they are over 10 they can be held criminally responsible for their actions.

HathorsFigTree · 22/04/2023 12:39

Similar situation of a similar age. It is fine to remove and block the chat from her phone. The other girls are bullying your- including her specifically to let her know she is excluded.

To do:

Screenshot including info like when group was formed, by whom and how many members, when your DD was added.
Either 1) Post on the group chat yourself, saying DDs mother here, do not include DD in your group chats in future, I will be speaking to your parents, or 2) Get DD to write something along the lines of ‘thanks but no thanks for adding me, I am going to remove myself from the chat - have a lovely weekend. Then remove DD from chat and block their numbers.
Contact the parents and explain what is going on. Assume they will have no idea and will be onside with you, wanting things to work. If they ask, you could sent a screenshot, maybe redacting anything that identifies the other kids.

This may be a long road.

maddening · 22/04/2023 12:45

Add their parents to the chat group.

HathorsFigTree · 22/04/2023 12:51

maddening · 22/04/2023 12:45

Add their parents to the chat group.

If it is possible. The admin of the group chooses the permissions about who can be added.

It would be a quick and easy solution if you are able to do that, but I would probably create a second group with only the parents to explain what I was doing, because they might not get what is going on and need an opportunity to ask about it without their kids in ‘earshot’.

Flip