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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To mind someone forwarding of photos of my kids: it’s complicated!

12 replies

Pegasus41 · 21/04/2023 21:51

My ex-husband and father of my children sadly died earlier this year. One of his friends, who I never met as she lives abroad, found me on Facebook messenger and has been messaging me a lot since he died. I feel for her wanting to stay in touch with the kids, and grieving, so I do reply regularly and the other day I sent her some photos of the kids on our recent holiday. Without asking me, she forwarded them to my ex mother-in-law who then said ‘I didn’t know you were going to X on hols: nice pics of the children that K forwarded me.’ I felt my privacy had been invaded somehow. I do make an effort to keep in touch with my ex’s family a lot, because of the kids, and I send them photos. But I object to my photos of the kids being forwarded without my knowledge/permission .Not sure if I can say something to my ex’s friend? AIBU?

OP posts:
Newuswr · 21/04/2023 21:54

It’s not complicated at all.

This woman is someone you barely know - she even lives abroad. She’s probably closer to your ex’s mum, than she is to you. Maybe rethink who you send photos of your children to as there really are no concrete rules. Once you send someone a photo, they can forward it on to anyone. Hence why you should be selective.

As you’ve got these people on Facebook, surely they can see pics of the kids on your profile? No need to send them extra photos.

SingaporeSlinky · 21/04/2023 21:59

Why would the friend forward on the photos - wouldn’t she have assumed the ex-MIL would have seen them anyway, so that part seems odd to me. I would probably message her to say you found it a bit awkward receiving a message about the photos she’d forwarded and you’d rather she didn’t get involved in the family dynamics (that’s sounds harsher than I mean, but along those lines)

Newuswr · 21/04/2023 22:03

Another thing as well is that maybe there’s a cultural difference and people in her country might not see this as an issue and are more tolerant.

Original poster
Pegasus41 · 21/04/2023 22:04

Thanks. Yes, I don’t post photos of my kids on Facebook. I guess the friend is thinking maybe his family don’t get to see photos.

OP posts:
ReadersD1gest · 21/04/2023 22:05

Odd that you're happy to send photos of your kids to someone you've never even met, but not their grandmother?

carriedout · 21/04/2023 22:05

I think it would be a good idea to not send pictures to people you do not know well.

You can be nice to this person without sharing the kids' pictures IMO.

SnackSizeRaisin · 21/04/2023 22:06

It's definitely bad etiquette for someone to send on pictures without permission, although a lot of people seem to have no idea about that! Showing them in person would be ok with me though.

Agree with PP - either don't send them or state that you don't want them shared further (although you can't enforce that of course)

In practice I just wouldn't send any more. However it's definitely fine to say something if someone is sharing photos of your children without permission.

Oysterbabe · 21/04/2023 22:07

Really weird to send them to some random girl but object to them going to their grandma.

CaroleSinger · 21/04/2023 22:09

Under the circumstances I don't see this as worth falling out over but just learn from it. Don't send pictures of your kids to people you don't really know if you don't want them being forwarded and if you do it with then do so with a disclaimer that you don't want them forwarded.

CaroleSinger · 21/04/2023 22:10

Oysterbabe · 21/04/2023 22:07

Really weird to send them to some random girl but object to them going to their grandma.

It does seem a little mis ordered.

Original poster
Pegasus41 · 21/04/2023 22:50

Thanks, well, as I said I do send photos to ex’s family anyway. I hadn’t sent these particular ones for privacy reasons as ex M-I-L can be nosy about what I might spend on a holiday (eg does it look luxury?) or it could have been awkward as there was a family wedding in their family that week that we didn’t attend as it was on the other side of the world: might have been a sore point to see us travel somewhere else. (The friend didn’t go either). So there are various reasons I might be picky about what I send, when. They are my EX’s family also: ie we were separated. I guess I’ve learned my lesson that it was an error to send to the friend.

OP posts:
ReadersD1gest · 22/04/2023 12:46

Pegasus41 · 21/04/2023 22:50

Thanks, well, as I said I do send photos to ex’s family anyway. I hadn’t sent these particular ones for privacy reasons as ex M-I-L can be nosy about what I might spend on a holiday (eg does it look luxury?) or it could have been awkward as there was a family wedding in their family that week that we didn’t attend as it was on the other side of the world: might have been a sore point to see us travel somewhere else. (The friend didn’t go either). So there are various reasons I might be picky about what I send, when. They are my EX’s family also: ie we were separated. I guess I’ve learned my lesson that it was an error to send to the friend.

The separation is hardly relevant? Your children are her grandchildren.
Still a bit bemused that you send photos to what is a complete stranger to you, yet censor what their grandmother is allowed to access.
You can hardly have been expected to attend the family wedding, so that's a fairly weak excuse.

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