To expect better from close family?

[blinkybell]

My daughter has a disability

Last night DH’s step father posted a stupid joke on Facebook - the usual, stereotypical, ignorant shite that often gets posted about her disability

DD is quite upset about it. She kind of expects better from a close family member, who has witnessed first hand just how horrible, distressing, frustrating and painful her condition can be.

DD has simply commented on it “hilarious 🙄”

Theres now a tonne of replies telling her it’s just a joke, she’s too sensitive, she needs a sense of humour, etc (including from other members of DH’s family, so her aunts, cousins, etc)

She sees this kind of stuff all the time, sometimes she laughs, sometimes she’ll roll her eyes, sometimes she’ll correct a misconception, her reaction depends on the nature of the joke, but this time she’s actually really hurt that her grandfather posted this kind of ignorant crap and instead of apologising everyone has doubled down and told her she shouldn’t be offended and just needs a better sense of humour.

He’s knows just how badly her mental health has been affected and the affect it’s had on her life, but still chose to post a joke, that plays into the usual stereotypical misconceptions about a disability that his own granddaughter has.

DH has spoken to MiL today and she’s really not impressed either and asked Step FiL to take it down as soon as she saw it last night.

What was the joke?

Just unfriend him, you can still be family but you won't need to see the shite he posts online.

It’s complicated slightly if she sometimes laughs along and isn’t always offended but sometimes is. I’m assuming it’s something like Tourette’s but you don’t need to say.

It’s good MIL is having a word and getting him to take it down.

What is the disability and what was the joke? Obviously it’s never ok to mock someone’s disability but I’d have to know the facts to determine how bad it is.

I think the 'joke' is relevant

I feel like those of you who agree with your daughter should give her some support on the post so she isn’t getting piled on.

Yes, your FIL should know better. I’m sorry he’s an idiot and your DD feels hurt.

But, as is usual in these situations, you can’t negotiate with stupid. Tell her to ignore him and unfollow him on FB if necessary.

It doesn't matter what the joke is, it's concerning a disability that OP's daughters has. Joking about a disability is shit behaviour, joking about a disability that a family member has is awful and I'm not surprised she's upset.

He sounds like a dick and so does his family

So family member posts a 'joke' at the expense of people with disabilities. It offends his young family member who has the disability, and mental health problems, and he thinks that's ok?

What ignorant planet is that man living on.

Even if it's not intended to be offensive, if someone finds it offensive, surely he could either apologise or just ignore, rather than add to her stress.

If be disowning him. He sounds like an utter knob, as do all the other thick people backing him up.

Its irrelevant what the joke is. The bottom line is that he made a mockery of a disability that his own granddaughter has.

If the poor girl can't rely on her own family to understand how her disability makes her feel, then how can she expect society not to be disablist?

I'd be calling DFIL to tell him how disappointed you are in his disablist attitude and that it might be a while before you want to spend time with him socially. DD may or may not feel similarly, but that's for her to decide (as she's old enough to use facebook, so presumably teen or adult).

Sorry, I thought I’d said, but I cut quite a bit out so it wasn’t the worlds longest post

Several of us have posted in DD’s defence (DH, MiL, one of DH’s sisters)

I would simply block him and anyone who responded that your daughter is over reacting

Thanks all!

If the poor girl can't rely on her own family to understand how her disability makes her feel, then how can she expect society not to be disablist?

Basically, this! The fact that it’s come from her own grandfather and members of her own family also seem to think it’s ok, is what she find upsetting.

She’s used to this crap from random members of the public, but she thought members of her own family would at least have her back.

Its irrelevant what the joke is. The bottom line is that he made a mockery of a disability that his own granddaughter has

and I agree with this too.

I don’t think the joke or the disability is relevant. Joking about any disability is shitty, however, joking about a disability that your own granddaughter has is spectacularly shitty.

What she’s most upset about is not so much the posting of the joke, it’s that once she told her grandfather how hurt she was, he just dismissed her feelings. I’d be gutted to hurt a family member like that.

How can people think it’s ok for family to joke about your dd’s disability? Please remind them the joke is only funny if the person it concerns is laughing. If there is anything embarrassing you know about him or an elderly relative, who had some form of embarrassing issue, now is perhaps time to ask him if he thinks a joke about that is appropriate and if not, why not.

Laughing at someone with a disability is always wrong.

I'm trying to work out whether jokes about a disability are always wrong.

I think some comic characters on TV are based on disabilities, for example. I think some jokes can hinge on someone having a disability, but the disability isn't the joke.

So I think I'm wondering if the joke/disability might in fact be relevant.

That said, if I inadvertently upset a family member with a joke, I wouldn't tell them to find a sense of humour, I'd apologise.

The joke is irrelevant. The fact that it's enough to upset your daughter, and from someone who should no better is the real issue.

I'm trying to work out whether jokes about a disability are always wrong

Erm, yes!

How awful. Your poor dd. We've had similar from so called family after my dd became very unwell with her mental health. She tried to take her life aged 11!. And then we had to see a close family member referring to kids thinking it's trendy to have anxiety, and calling them snowflakes. I'm so glad our dd didn't see this.

If I'd have posted anything and I mean absolutely anything that upset someone close to me, I'd immediately take it down and apologise. I'd never try and invalidate someone's feelings by saying it's a joke etc. just nasty

Did you read my whole post, @Cigarettesaftersex1? Because people with disabilities make jokes, often about their condition, and we are allowed to laugh with them.

Laughing at/about someone with a disability = always wrong. Jokes about disability, not necessarily.

I hide posts from several close family members because they trigger me. And it would be too much drama deleting certain people.

It is disgusting that he behaved like that! If I was married to a man like dh’s stepfather and he made a joke about my disabled dgd, like this, he would be given one chance to apologise profusely. If he didn’t, it would be the end of my marriage. I wouldn’t think I was overreacting, because my children and grandchildren are the most important people in my life and I couldn’t bear to be with someone who intentionally upset them like this.

Even if he did apologise, I would struggle to look at him in the same way again and he would be on a warning that if there was any more behaviour like this, it would definitely be the end of our relationship.

I think your OP expresses quite eloquently why this is shit, so I would post a similar thing on the FB page