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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Depression or personality change?

10 replies

Lostwifehelp · 21/04/2023 13:07

Has anyone here felt when depressed that they were fundamentally changing as a person and if so what happened?

I’ve posted on here before about my DH who has been diagnosed with depression by both a GP (sick note needed) and a psychiatrist (work assessment) but he is quite dismissive of the diagnosis and says that he feels he is just changing as a person. It’s hard to pin him down on what that change is but the closest I’ve got to understanding it is that he sees things and people for what they really are (ie everything in life is pointless and all people are selfish) and that he is becoming less of a people pleaser. The consequence is that he’s slowly cutting everyone out of his life, including me (he has asked to separate). On mumsnet the advice has generally been to give up if he’s refusing help however I’ve found the following website quite insightful: https://www.storiedmind.com/men-depression/the-longing-to-leave-2/. I do at times feel like his illness is clouding his mind and I think that might be hard for him to see. Of course I could be wrong and as he says to me he knows his mind better. I don’t want to give up on him if he is ill but I also recognise I can’t do anything if he refuses to get help.

I’m really just curious about whether anyone here that has been though depression felt that they were changing as a person and as a result started to push everyone away?

The Longing to Leave – 2 • Storied Mind

https://www.storiedmind.com/men-depression/the-longing-to-leave-2/

OP posts:

SufferingCarlos · 21/04/2023 13:14

That's typical depression thinking.
I don't understand what you mean by changing as a person. Part of depression is losing interest in previously enjoyed activities and isolation. When mental health is restored you usually have a more balanced view of people, not so pessimistic and 'empty' and may pick up old interests or find new ones.
Disinterest and isolation are hallmarks of depression.
You can't help him if he doesn't want to get better in fact it may drag you down so if you don't have children, I'd leave him because it's very draining living withsomeone like this always so negative regardless of it not being his fault, he could choose to try and get better he could choose to get help. but he doesn't.

Original poster

Lostwifehelp · 21/04/2023 13:22

@SufferingCarlos Yes I don’t understand the changing as a person part either. He’s very vague about it and all I get is “I just know I’m changing as a person”. To me the things he says about life being pointless and people being selfish and self absorbed is just typical depression/ negative thinking. The becoming less of a people pleaser is the only thing that’s perhaps not depression related.
There are young children involved and that’s why it’s not so easy to walk away.

OP posts:

SufferingCarlos · 21/04/2023 13:57

I mean they do say 'grumpy old....' for a reason some people really do get cynical with age and after too many life blows but I think that happens when you're 65 and over and fed up with people... I assume by young children he might be in his 40s? It sounds like depression but one of the horrid things about depression is that you can't see the woods from the trees. I think even if he think his personality is evolving, if his new attitude sucks and hurting people close to him like yourself op, he should as a good partner make an effort to sensor himself and try to be more positive. It's this pointless, helpless, nothing matters attitude that can be very draining to live with. You have my sympathies.
Hope some wise posters pop on your thread with something practical to suggest.

Choconut · 21/04/2023 14:49

Tell him he has changed as a person, he's changed into someone who is depressed! The GP sees it, the psychiatrist sees it - who is he to think he knows better than them?

I'd have him move out ASAP - you're probably the one thing enabling him right now and you need to take yourself out the picture. He needs to find out that his delusions of this other life he thinks he's going to have as a 'changed person' aren't quite as easy as he imagines. He might then start to realise that he might not be as well as he thinks.

On the other hand he might be on a downward spiral into paranoia that no one can stop unless he gets serious help - better then for him to be out the house rather than making all your lives a misery, the kids don't deserve that. He's the only one who can do anything about his illness, I'd force his hand by saying he needs to leave and not letting him bumble along with his delusions while leaving you not knowing where you stand or what is going on.

Original poster

Lostwifehelp · 21/04/2023 15:54

@Choconut I agree. It’s just this whole “I know my mind better than anyone else” that’s stopping him from recognising what everyone else around him including professionals are saying.

You are also most likely right that he needs to move out and experience life as this changed person on his own. The only thing stopping me from pushing him is the idea that a depressed loved one needs support but I can’t really carry on like this in the long run.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lostwifehelp · 21/04/2023 17:53

One of the biggest issues I have with separation is that I see in here that people describe them as opportunities for the other person to explore whether the grass is greener on the other side and have to their spouse on the back burner in case things don’t work out. I would really hate that:

OP posts:

pickledandpuzzled · 21/04/2023 19:31

A couple of similar things-

When I am depressed I feel as though I'm finally in a right state of mind, seeing straight instead of using time and energy on being determinedly positive.

Equally I have felt as I aged- perhaps with menopause- I've realised that I'm no longer interested in being a people pleaser etc. I'm not sure if that's depression or maturity to be honest!

Original poster

Lostwifehelp · 21/04/2023 20:01

@pickledandpuzzled interesting, and when you come out of depression (if you have) do you see your depressed thinking for what it is?

OP posts:

pickledandpuzzled · 21/04/2023 20:22

Yes, and no.

It's more like both are true, but at times one takes ascendency. So when things are dark, I can only see the the dark. When things are better, it's dark but I can see light patches and I can see how to make the light patches bigger.

It's interesting you asking now as I've noticed something this week or the first time. I also catastrophise in a minor way. I was really productive Monday, and tired Tuesday Wednesday. Tues and Wed I was so down thinking I was useless and incompetent and good for nothing, so frustrated with my own limitations. Then later I felt better. As in, realised I'd had a rough couple of days but actually have some skills and don't need to panic about being useless. It's like a weight lifting, and I realise it's not as bad as I thought, I don't need to give up work etc. No reason for the shift.

That's such a ramble, and perhaps doesn't help you. It's something I want to remember for the future. It's a state of mind, not a fact.

It's like those pictures that show a young woman and an old woman at the same time. They are both there all the time.

AceofPentacles · 21/04/2023 20:33

I think a lot of people are looking at the world in a new way since the pandemic - is choice just an illusion, the polarisation of views and so on. I see the world differently, like the inner workings have been revealed, but I'm not depressed (although it is depressing).

Perhaps that's what he means? Either way it's selfish of him to just walk away without trying to integrate his new views with family life.

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