Pick Up

[BB144]

Hi All,

I am a long time reader but have never posted. However I would value some opinions on this as I honestly don't know if I am being unreasonable here.

My 5 year old daughter has attended a daycare since she was 10 months, she is now in primary 1 and attends 3 day a weeks after school. The daycare collect her and bring her back to the centre. The children are under the daycare until 6 years ago and once over 6 they are then under the care of the youth group which manages after schools for primary

When the collections started, It was arranged a member of staff from the after schools would collect her along with a child from another class. They would bring her back to be looked after by the daycare division. This was a female member of staff. My daugher is quite shy and can find change stressful and his took a while but she did come round and was happy enough with the arrangement. At some point over the last few months this changed, and a male member of staff have been collecting the girls.

My daugher told me and to be honest I was uncomfortable, I know this is unreasonable due to it being a male, however I appreciate this is my own anxiety and fears and I needed to move on from this.

However the last few weeks, she has come come with lollipops, given to her from him in the car and recently she has been given a toy. There had been a car accident during the prior pickup, however it was a bump and she didn't even know it happened. This I have no issue with accidents happen, but have added it as maybe this is why he gave the toy. The other child also got given a toy the previous day. I asked her why he gave her it but she just said I don't know.

Am I unreasonable to feel this is inappropriate, I appreciate this likely is due to kindness and as she is quite quiet, maybe an attempt to bring her out of herself, however it makes me feel extremely uncomfortable.

Would I be unreasonable to bring this up with the daycare and ask for a female member of staff to take cover the pick ups?

I would highlight I am not accusing him of anything however it just does sit right with me and I want to protect my daugher. Just for background, I was sexually abused when I was younger and due to this, I know I am wary and see danger in all situations. I speak to her all the time about her pants area, no one is allowed to touch her and she will respond that she knows to tell anyone no, go away and to tell me. However she is quite quiet and I don't kno if this would happen in reality

Am I being unreasonable? This member of staff has worked for the centre for around 10 years and as far as I know there is no issues.

I don't think you are being at all unreasonable to question this.

Apart from anything else I thought it was unwise to allow children lollipops while in a car as they can injure themselves if there was a car accident.

To be fair the lollipops were put in her lunchbox and taken home.

I would highlight I am not accusing him of anything however it just does sit right with me and I want to protect my daugher.

You’re not accusing him of anything and yet you have a really long post complaining about quite random and details, and you specifically mention sexual abuse.

The only thing I can actually get from your post is sometimes your daughter gets given a lollipop which she is told to bring him (presumably so you can be the one to make a decision on when or if she has it) and that she also came home with a small toy once, the other girl with her received the same.

Would you really make any link at all to abuse of this was a woman?

It sounds like you think childcare should have nothing to do with men.

Thank you for your reply. I appreciate my thoughts may be skewed due to past experiences of my own and this is why I wanted opinions of other.

I know I am in the wrong but I don't think I would feel this way if it was a woman and that is me being honest.

Not childcare as a whole, it's being in the car alone that has got my thoughts in overdrive.

I'm surprised they're allowed to pick them up in a car as one lone adult with kids in the back. I wouldn't like that. Is there not an after school club at the school instead? To be fair OP I have no personal experience with child abuse but I never wanted my children to go to a childminder as i didn't like the idea of 1 lone adult with X number of children. I prefer nursery where there's lots of adults and no where to be alone with the kids etc. I felt more comfortable with that and I don't care if people think that's paranoid. You do you, I'd see where/how you could change this.

You’re not being unreasonable in my opinion.

I know it’s fashionable to be blasé about these things but I can see why this would make you uneasy.

Are there any options for daycare?

I wouldn't have an issue with it and voted YABU. However, I do understand that your view is impacted by your past. We all make irrational choices sometimes. If it is taking up a lot of headspace then just be honest with the nursery and make the request.

She attends the schools after-school club on the other days when I WFH but it finishes at 3.30pm. The days I am in the office I need her to attend the daycare as the pick up time is 6pm.

I have no issue with the daycare as a whole, only this pick up has raised concerns in my muddled brain. I wouldn't want to change her to a different daycare/after school facility as she is quiet and would struggle settling somewhere new.

Ideally if I could collect her from the schools after school, however I have to commit to working in the office 3 days and therefore couldn't pick her up mid afternoon on these days.

It's good to hear different opinions. I also thought they should not be allowed to have 1 lone adult with children in a car, altho a good point is raised regards child minders as they are also alone with children so this maybe is not something unusual.

Like PP I wouldn't have an issue (in fact DD is a school refuser and has a male TA walk her to school each morning as he's a favourite among the kids - the silly, "fun" one - and it motivates her to want to go). However I understand your reasons for being wary. Personally I wouldn't say anything and I think if it bothers you to the point you're uncomfortable with it then you should look into other providers. It's pretty much blatant sexism and you wouldn't/ couldn't get away with it for any other "protected characteristic" unless theres an exemption via EA which this wouldn't be. The only thing that could happen is management say to this guy he can't do it because he's male, and that's a very slippery slope. Can you imagine a customer refusing a female decorator because in their experience women are weaker?

I do think this is an issue and it's something I'd raise. I don't have an issue with him being male and I don't have an issue with him driving them alone in the car. After all, my dc's school has male teachers and when they do school trips, sometimes they are in staff's own cars if just a single class (it's a small school), so not unusual to have 1 teacher and a car full of children. That's all fine.

But the bringing treats from home to give to children who have been singled out by a particular staff member, that's odd. It's one thing if it was from the staff as a whole or given out as a treat to everyone at the centre or a special reward for a particular task that was overseen by the manager, that sort of thing. But I think one staff member bringing food and presents to give to specific children and only those while in their care, that's a bit boundary pushing. What if the children had specific dietary needs? What if you just would prefer them not having sweets? I think it's just a bit odd. I don't think it at all means something sinister is going on, but I do think it means a conversation should be had with that staff member to remember to keep professional boundaries in place. Particularly if the manager isn't aware, I think it's important that they know about it, just to keep an eye on things.

If the other kids getting picked up/dropped off are getting the treats, it wouldn't bother me.

My middle son gets a taxi to/from school, and has been given chocolate and card for Xmas, an egg for Easter by drivers and chaperones.

I understand it's more frequent than that - my eldest son's class has had such poor attendance that for a while they were given stationery or sweets every Friday just for being there all week! And it's no different than that really, he's just treating the kids he gives lifts to - perhaps to build better rapport if he doesn't see them much during the day, or to make them want to go on the journey so they're better behaved about getting ready.