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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to reasort to threats with this behaviour?

15 replies

undervoi · 21/04/2023 11:57

I just don’t know what to do anymore. Dp of three years has slowly changed during my pregnancy. I had my five month scan today, alone, because DP was too hungover to come with me. I’ve been sitting in my car crying the last half hour because DP is now not speaking to me because I threatened to tell his practice manager (he’s a gp) about the excessive drinking and associated treatment of me, a pregnant woman. I was clutching at straws, saying anything to make him stop his horrible behaviour. He’s said I’ve crossed a line and to ‘threaten his job’ was a red line he can’t see past. I would never have actually done it. I said it in desperation. I feel so alone and like I’ve already let my baby down. This was supposed to be a happy day but it’s like I’m in a nightmare.

OP posts:
AnaNimmity · 21/04/2023 14:33

Having a baby with someone you’ve known for such a short time and are not married to was all ways going to be a risk op.

YWBU to resort to threats, but he’s shown you who he is with his drinking and behaviour around your scan. Personally, I’d be listening to him and making plans to be a solo parent.

on the plus side, he has a good salaried job, so your cms payments will be healthy enough.

sorry you’re in this position, but at least you’ve found out now and can make plans before the baby comes.

Daisiesandprimroses · 21/04/2023 14:36

I don’t think you can blackmail and threaten people to behave as you wish. The whole thing sounds dysfunctional and a baby is being brought into it. If you don’t like his behaviour leave.

GoodChat · 21/04/2023 14:43

Leave the relationship and tell his employer about the drinking. They can give him help. He shouldn't be drinking so much if he has patients to care for.

greenspaces4peace · 21/04/2023 14:44

You’re 100% justified to tell his practice manager if his drinking affects his job.
But was his job/workday affected?
His practice manager isn’t there to help him be a better person on his off duty time.
Do you have family and other supports to help you through this?

SchoolQuestionnaire · 21/04/2023 15:18

I can understand the frustration that drove you to say that but I don’t think it was the right thing to do. His job is between him and his employers and no good can come from you involving his work. It won’t change his attitude towards you and your child and I doubt that he or they would be particularly chuffed about you dragging them into his private affairs. Plus if his drinking is that bad I’m sure they have started to notice anyway.

That being said, I wouldn’t want a child around his drinking. He isn’t going to change and he clearly isn’t interested in supporting you or being a dad. I know this isn’t what you planned but I would end the relationship and focus on being the best mum you can without him dragging you down.

neilyoungismyhero · 21/04/2023 15:21

AnaNimmity · 21/04/2023 14:33

Having a baby with someone you’ve known for such a short time and are not married to was all ways going to be a risk op.

YWBU to resort to threats, but he’s shown you who he is with his drinking and behaviour around your scan. Personally, I’d be listening to him and making plans to be a solo parent.

on the plus side, he has a good salaried job, so your cms payments will be healthy enough.

sorry you’re in this position, but at least you’ve found out now and can make plans before the baby comes.

I don't call 3 years a short time.

Kanaloa · 21/04/2023 15:22

I mean I don’t know why his employer would be interested in his ‘treatment of a pregnant woman.’ Being a rubbish partner isn’t generally a normal thing to report to an employer for. He does sound rubbish though, but telling his boss on him for not supporting you won’t change that and will make you look a bit ridiculous.

mistlethrush · 21/04/2023 15:28

Can you leave now? Get out and set up on your own before the baby comes - it will be much easier than leaving after the baby comes. You don't want to bring a baby into a home with such a negative environment.

cestlavielife · 21/04/2023 15:30

You can on ly change your behaviour and your response.
Stop relyung on him
Go it alone

IrregularChoiceFan · 21/04/2023 15:35

I don't think threatening to tell his boss anything about his private life was a good thing to do. But he sounds like a total twat so really I would just be leaving and not think any more about the threat.

My dp missed most of my scans with ds and also with this current baby due to work commitments, didn't really bother me to go alone tbh but the reasons were important. Of he was just hanging and couldn't be arsed, I would have been furious about it.

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/04/2023 15:46

It’s going to end anyway so rip off the plaster and split up. How long has he been drinking like this?

AnaNimmity · 21/04/2023 17:54

I don't call 3 years a short time.

Op is five months pregnant, so the decision to have this baby happened after just two and a half years of dating.

Far, far too short, as OP is learning to her cost.

AtrociousCircumstance · 21/04/2023 17:57

It’s a reasonable amount of time but unfortunately he’s obviously not the partner she or anyone would hope for.

GooglyEyeballs · 21/04/2023 17:58

I don't think he's treating you particularly well but also I think blackmailing him to threaten his job was way out of line. From what I can tell your behaviours are different but you're just as bad as each other.

getafringenotbotox · 21/04/2023 18:20

SchoolQuestionnaire · 21/04/2023 15:18

I can understand the frustration that drove you to say that but I don’t think it was the right thing to do. His job is between him and his employers and no good can come from you involving his work. It won’t change his attitude towards you and your child and I doubt that he or they would be particularly chuffed about you dragging them into his private affairs. Plus if his drinking is that bad I’m sure they have started to notice anyway.

That being said, I wouldn’t want a child around his drinking. He isn’t going to change and he clearly isn’t interested in supporting you or being a dad. I know this isn’t what you planned but I would end the relationship and focus on being the best mum you can without him dragging you down.

This is such good advice

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