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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed with friend!

24 replies

ellie09 · 21/04/2023 10:51

So I have had the same group of friends now for over 10 years. We meet up a few times a year now as we have got older and have stayed in touch. They're probably my longest standing friends (bar my best friend!)

Its my 30th birthday next week and the 3 of them have been planning a surprise for me this Saturday night which I still don't know the details of other than it's an overnight stay. This will be the first time seeing them since before Christmas!

One of the girls is pregnant, but notorious in the past for cancelling last minute for various reasons - her anxiety, she doesn't feel well etc. This has been a long standing issue throughout the years but she has always remained in the friendship group. As we met more often when we were younger, it didn't seem as much of an issue. Now though, we maybe all get together 3-4 times a year.

I am never usually flaky myself but last year I had a series of unfortunate events - I missed two of the girls hen parties because I had covid for one of them, and the other, my baby daddy last minute cancelled keeping LO so I had no one to look after him that night. I felt that guilty, I sent both friends some flowers from.the florist to their house instead.

Anyhow, it's 2 days before now and my friend has said she isn't coming to my birthday as she is feeling unwell and the pregnancy is taking a toll on her (she's currently 20 weeks). She says its sciatica and I seen her a few days ago walking her dog (she lives nearby)

I am feeling a little disappointed because its a night away with a dinner booked and we are a small group of 4. We aren't as wild as our younger days and will probably be taking it a lot easier. I just feel as though, when you haven't seen your group of friends for 5 months, that you would perhaps try and push through.

At the same time, I am sympathetic as I have been pregnant and it can definitely take a toll on you in terms of energy etc so I have arranged to meet her for a lunch date once she feels better (but I Do feel that she may cancel this as well)

AIBU to feel slightly disappointed in this? Or am I just too hard on myself when it comes to committing to friends?

OP posts:

StylishM · 21/04/2023 11:01

I think pregnancy is a valid reason to not want to stay away from home, regardless of the reason. It's a 30th birthday, not a wedding. YABU

Dontbelieveaword · 21/04/2023 11:03

You're nu for feeling disappointed to not see your friend.
However, I think she has a valid reason (even though you really feel like she's being flaky) and you are going to see her when she feels better, for lunch, which is much more manageable that having to pack for a night away travel, spend evening in company of 3 friends who may be drinking, be tired, sober and unwell and having to force being happy for fear of ruining your special weekend and then having to travel home next day.
If people want to travel to celebrate their special birthdays/life events, that's fine but you can't be disappointed if people can't or don't want to attend, whether that might be because of health, anxiety or finances.
Reassure her you understand why she can't attend and then go enjoy your weekend

Tiamaria86 · 21/04/2023 11:06

I cancelled alot of things when pregnant because I was ill or just so so tired so I wouldn't hold it against her really.

Ponoka7 · 21/04/2023 11:07

Sciatica comes and goes, a dog walk isn't the equivalent of a night away, sleeping etc on someone else's schedule. If you hadn't seen her, I'd say that she could make the effort, but you live close by enough to see her anytime.

OnlyFannys · 21/04/2023 11:08

I think you are being unreasonable to expect your friends to trust your re being honest about your reasons for not attending the hen dos

OnlyFannys · 21/04/2023 11:10

Sorry posted too soon, U to expect them to trust your reasons and not to trust hers are honest and valid (that is what I feel you are hinting at that she is being flaky and not being entirely truthful). But you are NU to feel disappointed

MrsSkylerWhite · 21/04/2023 11:10

Yes, YABU. What’s walking the dog got to do with it? She may have been in pain but had no choice.

ThreeblackCats · 21/04/2023 11:13

If that’s your biggest gripe in life…you have a charmed life!

for what it’s worth, walking helps relieve the pain of sciatica. You are not really a very good friend.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 21/04/2023 11:15

Natural to be disappointed but her reason for cancelling is just as valid as yours for the previous occasions, so I think you need to give her the benefit of the doubt.

phoenixrosehere · 21/04/2023 11:26

She says its sciatica and I seen her a few days ago walking her dog (she lives nearby)

The common treatments for sciatica are exercise and stretching.

I understand you being disappointing but your friend is struggling with pregnancy. Better she told you now that she can’t make it than the day of and if she had gone feeling unwell, not in the spirit of things, how would you have felt?

Thepeopleversuswork · 21/04/2023 11:28

I think you're being a bit unreasonable although I do understand why. She's pregnant and it's understandable.

This is the problem with people establishing a precedent with being flaky though. Once its done a few too many times it's hard for other people to accept any future excuse as valid.

GoodChat · 21/04/2023 11:31

I wouldn't want to spend a night away with a group at 20 weeks pregnant with sciatica. I'd want to be at home lazing around and feeling sorry for myself.

Original poster

ellie09 · 21/04/2023 11:37

I know I'm probably being unreasonable thinking that she should come, and its probably more my own issues that I need to address (I find it really hard to say no! Which apparently is not the norm after having numerous therapy sessions)

Just to note, I've not been off with her at all, I have been in contact a lot more than I previously would have as she's coming to me for advice and to vent (I'm the only other that's been pregnant out of us!) and I've reassured her to rest up and make sure she chills out before baby arrives!

As someone said above, its probably due to history of being a bit 'flaky' that puts doubts into your head but I do think on reflection, its probably very much a 'me' issue!

I think I will get some self care stuff for her gathered and visit her before the baby comes. I'll probably suggest tomorrow night that we throw her a little baby shower gathering 😊 thanks all for some perspective (and a kick up the bum when I need it!)

OP posts:

ferneytorro · 21/04/2023 11:51

ellie09 · 21/04/2023 11:37

As someone said above, its probably due to history of being a bit 'flaky' that puts doubts into your head but I do think on reflection, its probably very much a 'me' issue!

I wouldn’t do that, you are already resentful of her, if you do more stuff for her ; baby shower and gifts I can imagine that just feeding your resentment, I’m doing all this and putting myself out and she couldn’t even be bothered to come to my celebration ( I’m saying this from experience!) it’s like you are trying to prove you are the better person.

wispatwirl · 21/04/2023 13:11

Your flaky friend is still flaky. Her being pregnant will probably make her flakiness worse.
From personal experience, it never gets better, so don't ever expect them to keep to arrangements. And if they do turn up, then it's a nice surprise.

CoffeeCantata · 21/04/2023 13:57

I don't know what the facts are, OP - your friend could be making an excuse or it could be genuine. But when I had sciatica it was AGONY to sit or lie down - only walking around brought any kind of relief! So she might have been in the same situation - sciatica is wierd and counter-intuitive.

LuvSmallDogs · 21/04/2023 14:04

Never had sciatica, but did have horrible SPD once. I would struggle through a quick walk for the dog, and walk to the shops for groceries and lug it all home because a) it had to be done and b) I hurt whether I was sitting, walking, standing or lying down. Didn't feel up to partying though.

60smusic · 21/04/2023 14:12

It's disappointing but she may be genuinely unwell. If she suffers from anxiety, I wouldn't be suggesting a baby shower.

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 21/04/2023 14:14

It's a 30th birthday, not a wedding or something special.
YABU walking a dog is completely different to a weekend away. Not fair to expect your friends life to evolve around you.

HappyMe6 · 21/04/2023 14:17

What’s walking the dog got to do with anything! You can walk a dog and be poorly mins after it as you can with anything. 🤪

MusicansMum · 21/04/2023 14:20

Please, please don't say "baby daddy". It's awful.

CheersForThatEh · 21/04/2023 14:20

I thought walking was good for sciatica.

Beautiful3 · 21/04/2023 14:26

I am a fit and healthy person, rarely ill. However both pregnancies made me ill with nausia throughout and sciatica. The sciatica came and went in waves. I was too scared to drive far, incase my back went and couldn't drive back. I'd give her the benefit of the doubt. Enjoy your birthday with the others.

Blizzard23 · 21/04/2023 14:50

You know she is flaky - pregnancy will make this worse. I’m not sure why you are surprised. Its not about you, it’s her issue(s)

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