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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would you send your 8 month old to a birthday celebration an hour away without you?

18 replies

indreamland7 · 21/04/2023 10:04

I have an 8 month old DD. Her father (my abusive ex) is absolutely useless. He refuses to stick to any set schedule and just seems to drop in and out when he pleases. Sometimes he goes 3/4 weeks without seeing her and has never had her on his own.

Now on to my AIBU... it is my ex's mum's birthday and she is having some kind of birthday celebration at the weekend (not sure exactly what she's doing but think it's at a restaurant). Ex has asked if he can pick up DD and take her to celebrate his mum's birthday (which is over an hour away). I have said no, because any time DD sees her dad, she is extremely unsettled (even with me there) and cries hysterically. This is obviously due to the fact that ex hasn't established any sort of relationship with DD due to his inconsistencies. I also don't have any faith in his capabilities to look after her on his own, as he's never done this before. Not to mention, DD hasn't even seen her grandmother since November! I can't bear the thought of my 8 month old an hour away from me with unfamiliar people, potentially upset and wanting me. I know she'll be with family but she doesn't really know them.

I have suggested that I could come and bring DD along, but it has been made clear that I'm not welcome. I'm now being called an "evil" mother by his family and accused of "withholding" DD from them. Ex is arguing that he should be able to take DD wherever he wants as he is her father, which is true, but DD barely knows him! I am going to stand my ground on this one and won't be sending her, but does anyone think I'm being unreasonable?

OP posts:

HeidiIou · 21/04/2023 10:17

Hes never had her on his own so no he could fuck off. He needs to start having a routine and build a relationship with her so she knows who he is. And then yes its absolutely reasonable then.

Reugny · 21/04/2023 10:26

has never had her on his own.

"No"

Tell him by email you want him to have a relationship with his daughter so he needs to start seeing her weekly for a few hours so she knows who he is, and give him a schedule for the next 3 months starting from next weekend.

He will ignore you.

MrsSkylerWhite · 21/04/2023 10:26

Not a chance.

Coffeeandbourbons · 21/04/2023 10:27

Absolutely not

cricketcrit · 21/04/2023 10:27

No way

LoveBluey · 21/04/2023 10:35

The only thing I'd agree to is taking her to the restaurant (or whatever the venue is) and giving her to your ex at that point to attend the meal/party while I waited nearby. I'd then collect after an hour and take her home. I'd not want to join the meal but I'd not be happy being so far away either.

Starhead69 · 21/04/2023 10:37

You’re not withholding. You’re protecting her from someone she doesn’t know who has form for being abusive

Freefall212 · 21/04/2023 10:38

Given he doesn't see her consistently or frequently and hasn't looked after her on his own - no. If he was involved in her life and had a bond with her, then yes.

Umbellifer · 21/04/2023 10:40

She’s not a doll that he can just pick up and parade around with…she needs to know him and trust him before he gets to show her off at a family party; as you say there won’t be anyone there that feels familiar.

FriedEggChocolate · 21/04/2023 10:40

No. As she's unsettled with her dad, she either goes with you, or doesn't go.

CatchYouOnTheFlippetyFlop · 21/04/2023 10:41

YANBU and I would advise that if he thinks you are being evil and witholding access to a daughter he barely sees, that he goes to court to get a visiting order in place.

GoldenGorilla · 21/04/2023 10:51

Absolutely not and no court would make you. 8 months is peak time for separation anxiety: she will be distraught without you and won’t know any of the people there. You’ve offered a totally reasonable compromise. Keep records of all communication with him and his family. State clearly and politely why you will not agree to this but what you can offer. If they decide to go to court for contact this will all help your case.

Thepeopleversuswork · 21/04/2023 11:25

Absolutely not and they can both fuck off.
As PPs have said if he's that bothered about seeing his baby he can obtain a court order (which will require him to stick to an agreed visiting schedule in the unlikely event that it's granted).

bamboonights · 21/04/2023 17:18

Nevermind31 · 21/04/2023 17:28

She is not a toy that can be delivered to show off.
he needs to have a regular schedule a d build up a bond, understand her cues etc.
if he is not willing to do that, then no

Aerosarethebest · 21/04/2023 18:14

You could offer to bring her to visit her grandma at a time soon when things will be calm and there will be just a few new people to meet. Although I understand it’s not exactly an appealing thought when they’ve all been slagging you off.

AP5Diva · 21/04/2023 18:19

Would you send your 8 month old to a birthday celebration an hour away without you? Yes

Would you send your 8 month old to a birthday celebration an hour away with your abusive ex when your 8 month old cries hysterically every time they’re around? Not in a million years

Would you let 8 month old go anywhere with your abusive ex without supervision? Never

Mariposista · 21/04/2023 18:36

In this case, no way.
In the case of a normal, functional adult who can be trusted, (e.g. if the parents are still together and the dad wants to take baby to his parents, or separated but they still get on and are mature) then yes.

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