To date a guy with 2 kids to two different women?

[elephantsbreafh]

Or am I being horribly judgmental?

I’m a single parent myself. He’s early 30s, 6 and 3 year old kids. Has them every weekend. We’ve chatted a lot and he’s gone into almost too much detail about the past relationships, maybe he’s just really honest (a good thing) or maybe he’s trying to paint a different picture, as the story was really quite elaborate considering we haven’t met. Lots of detail about how they were engaged, she went behind his back and started booking everything for the wedding, then he found a huge bag of pregnancy tests and she’d stopped the pill and gotten pregnant. They split up, then his next ex got pregnant at the end of the relationship. I just feel a little off about it at all. He’s adamant he doesn’t want any more kids, which is fine by me.

I’ve been single for a very long time, and had some awful experiences online dating so trying to get some outsider opinions on whether this is a red flag, or am I being overly cynical/cautious.

Him having a kids isn’t a red flag. The stuff he’s saying about his ex is though!

I wouldn't

Throw this one back. He’s giving you the soft launch of ‘my exs are psychos’ spiel.

🚩🚩🚩🚩

I wouldn't, and I've been a single parent since splitting with EXDP almost 2 years ago.

Your new man has two sets of schedules to negotiate with separate parties (as presumably you'll also have yours) unless no contact, and he seems to put all the blame for the failure of the relationship down to his terrible ex 🙄🙄🙄

I wouldn't touch him with a barge pole.

If you have sex insist he uses condoms.

I would proceed with extreme caution, if at all.
Does he take any responsibility for the children, it sounds very much he's one these men who thinks his exes 'got themselves pregnant'
Is he a good dad, does he have a reasonable, respectful relationship with his exes? Lots of things to consider. It will be a tricky set up at best to be honest.

This

He’s told me he has them both every weekend, and is on amicable terms with both exes. I don’t think I’d be as concerned if it wasn’t for the extreme detail in the story about his ex getting pregnant, I just felt like I didn’t need to know all of that and it’s offputting. But of course, I don’t know him at all at this point. We get on really well from chatting, I don’t want to shoot myself in the foot if it turns out he’s a really lovely guy and I’ve just dismissed him out of caution. Argh, I just don’t know.

How is it going behind his back to book things if they are engaged? Many men are so useless at arranging wedding stuff.
What does found a bag of pregnancy test has anything to do with anything?
If he really doesn't want children has he had a vasectomy?
I wouldn't date him as I find his choices a turn off and irresponsible. His children are small as well so it's like he hasn't learnt anything and didn't try hard enough to make it work.
But there are mums who have children by different dads who might see his situation as normal and familiar. It depends on what your values in life are like I suppose.

I'd be more concerned about his commitment if he proposed then she had to go behind his back to make plans, to be honest. Surely when you propose you discuss marriage and you don't get engaged until you're ready to get married.

I wouldn’t but then I wouldn’t date any man that has children I have children myself so yes I am a hypocrite but I’m happy to stay single 🤷‍♀️

I wouldn't even entertain the idea.

I don't think he's worth the complications his setup would add you your life. Wait for someone with less baggage.

He also said, after the story about his exes, that he prefers to tell people about the kids to different mums in person. I questioned that as he told me he’s only been online dating for a week and I’d be his first date since he split with his ex, so who is it that he’s usually telling this to? 🤔🤣

I think I’m talking myself out of this one…

If someone proposes to you, how is it going behind their back to arrange the wedding they proposed to you?! What does he think a proposal means?

@SufferingCarlos I mean, I only have his word for it but he said they were engaged but had discussed not actually getting married til a few years after that. Then he saw the venue booking and dress on their banking statement, then she told him she’d gotten pregnant so he wouldn’t leave her. I’m taking that all with a pinch of salt though…

He actually thinks you’re stupid and insecure enough to eat up all of this nonsense. I’d be offended

lol trapped pregnancies and trapped weddings. Anything to keep you cool and chill and not like these absolute psychos!!!

Well the stories are wild, so either he's spinning you a yarn (most probable) or you'll have a mad ex in your life for the foreseeable.

NEXT.

So, no responsibility or accountability has been taken by him? He was the unwilling victim of two situations which spiralled?

Proceed with extreme caution.

The “planning a wedding behind his back” thing doesn’t ring true

I’m glad I posted now. I honestly thought I’d be told I was being ridiculous, but I think there’s definitely something to be said about trusting your gut!

I'd not date the sort of man who thinks 'being engaged' is a relationship state in itself rather than a step towards marriage. They're invariably of a type. Not very bright, immature and/or a bit low rent.

Sounds like a set-up OP. Sorry. Way TMI from someone who you don't know. I doubt you asked for all the gory details of his past! Plus, it cheapens his children's very existence speaking about them like that. He sounds at best a man-child.

Thank you...next! 😂

But of course, I don’t know him at all at this point. We get on really well from chatting, I don’t want to shoot myself in the foot if it turns out he’s a really lovely guy and I’ve just dismissed him out of caution.

you’re already learning lots about him from how he is with you and how you feel with/about him is important. His presence has already got you questioning your feelings and instincts. A real mature relationship with a nice person won’t give you any doubts about the reliability of your feelings.

I mean to say there’s not some nice person underneath that you’ve yet to get to know - this is him right in front of you now.

I did. He initially lied by omission and didn't correct me when I assumed they had the same mother. 11 and 5.

It turned out he had a habit of dramatically quitting relationships (and being on and off with them) with zero guilt.

Did the same with me. Had the cheek to say I should have known better based on his past.