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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is this fair (CMS/ childcare)

13 replies

Darthwazette · 20/04/2023 17:31

My ex has the children every other weekend from around 8pm on Friday until 8am on Monday.

As a result I feed the children tea on Friday and breakfast Monday. I bathe them Friday night and send them off in pjs (8pm is after my 5yos usual bedtime). I also provide all their clothes for when they’re with him and do all the laundry they build up over the weekend once they’re back. I pay for their dance classes on “his” weekend as well as any bday presents for parties they’re invited to, etc.

Based on this set up he pays child maintenance based on having them for 3 nights out of 14.

My friends say he’s taking the piss a bit. There was some issues in the relationship and I’m still somewhat intimidated by him so don’t want to rock the boat. I just wondered about a wider range of views.

Thanks

OP posts:

CornishGem1975 · 20/04/2023 17:39

CMS is based on the nights I believe so he's paying what is expected. Not saying it's morally right, but legally it is. You can ask him for more, but he doesn’t have to give it to you.

Why do they go so late on a Friday. Could that be earlier and he given them dinner? And they could surely have breakfast before they come back to you on a Monday. Why doesn’t he just do the school run?

Original poster

Darthwazette · 20/04/2023 17:47

He has work commitments so cannot have them any earlier on a Friday or later on a Monday. Ideally, for me, he would have them from school pick up on Friday to drop off on Monday as it would properly free up my weekend for other opportunities (and I wouldn’t be handing over overtired, grumpy kids)

OP posts:

blueluce85 · 20/04/2023 17:50

I would get it changed that he only has them on actual days he can have them

So either responsibility starts from school and ends at school on the Monday, or if not he has them sat morn to sun eve and then you adjust the cms accordingly

CornishGem1975 · 20/04/2023 18:58

Agree with @blueluce85

or he needs to apply to work for flexible working. He’s entitled to do so.

Aerosarethebest · 20/04/2023 19:02

Is there a breakfast club he could send them to on those Monday mornings? I think he needs to hire a regular babysitter to cover afterschool Friday and the Monday drop off. Or they can sleep at yours of Friday night and he can pick them up first them on Saturday morning but pay you for 2 more nights per month.

Original poster

Darthwazette · 21/04/2023 14:22

There is breakfast club, he insisted I should be the one to pay for it though as he “gives (me) enough money” and I said I’d rather see the kids myself than pay for them to be in school.

OP posts:

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 21/04/2023 14:31

It’s one of those ones where technically he’s paying what he should, but the bluntness of the CMS tool makes it unfair.

Unfortunately I think your in a position where you have to work out what is less hassle for you and best.

Would the argument of not letting him take them on the Friday and the loss of the late evening be worth the aggro and CMs?

And before I get jumped on - I’m not defending him. He should arrange the childcare for the Friday if he needs it, but if he’s anything like my ex all the shoulds in the world won’t make him do it so it’ll remain the Op’s problem either way so she might as well mitigate it best she can for her own sake.

Original poster

Darthwazette · 21/04/2023 14:40

It’s not worth the aggro, no. This is why I’m putting up with it. I just have people in RL saying I need to make changes so I was looking for other opinions.

OP posts:

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 21/04/2023 15:05

Darthwazette · 21/04/2023 14:40

It’s not worth the aggro, no. This is why I’m putting up with it. I just have people in RL saying I need to make changes so I was looking for other opinions.

I think that’s one of them where you just need to point out to them that the balance isn’t ideal, but as we don’t live in an ideal world it’s the best of a bad bunch.

People are always much more gung-ho and adamant they would “never stand for that” when it’s not actually them that would have to deal with it.

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/04/2023 15:10

Stop sending clothes and doing laundry. Party invitations on his days are up to him to facilitate or not and if he takes them he provides the gift.

He gets a reduction in CM for the nights he has them, that then compensates him for the costs they incur while he has them, clothes etc

Was the dance class agreed on by both of you?

Goldbar · 21/04/2023 15:11

I would tell him he can choose.

Either school pick-up Friday to school drop-off Monday.

Or Saturday morning to Sunday evening.

And the maintenance can be adjusted accordingly.

If he doesn't play ball, I'd start packing their uniform and leaving early for work on a Monday so he then has to get them to school.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 21/04/2023 15:17

He is taking the piss a bit.

Is it worth the aggro - probably not tbh.

There is so much I’ve had to let slide with my exh because it’s not worth the aggro!

Mine are older so can choose a bit whether they want to go to exh, esp the 14 yo. When he behaves unreasonably and she refuses to go there as a result of course he never pays more maintenance (even when he’s admitted he’s at fault). Of course when she was going there a bit more he was quick to say maintenance should be reduced - we were married so it’s all part of our divorce settlement and I’ve had to take him back to court twice to enforce maintenance.

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 21/04/2023 15:26

He is taking the piss however there's not much you can do realistically, dickheads will be a dick. If you don't send clothes he'll not change them so they'll be the ones who suffer. Sometimes there's nothing you can do but vent. People can tell you you need to do this or that but the ones who suffer are the dc when a dickhead is involved.

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