To not support friend?

[Cantthinkofone22]

I'm feeling really guilty and don't know if I'm just being a terrible person.

I have a friend, we met through work 12 years ago but haven't worked together for 6 years (she left) we didn't socialise outside of work while we worked together and after she left we met up maybe twice a year with two other ex colleagues for coffee/lunch. But have always kept in touch more via messaging.

She's always struggled with anxiety and depression and this has been mostly what she contacts me about. I've also had significant similar struggles over the years so know what it's like.

During the pandemic she was much worse (as was i) and was contacting me multiple times a day, mostly just saying 'morning' but sometimes sying she was sad/lonely etc. I found this really hard to cope with as she wasn't interested in practical help. After months and months of this I asked her to stop the constant messages as I was having struggles and it was to much for me, she didn't take it well and didn't contact me for ages.

After a few months she contacted me again but only occasionally, recently she's been contacting me more and saying she's very lonely and depressed, I offered her practical advice and gave her information on groups that might help but I really don't want to get further involved.

AIBU to want this friendship to just fade away?
Should I help her more?

Just tell her after being in a similar position you don't feel your the best person to support her.

People like that bring you down and if she doesn't want practical advise, there's no point talking if she has you feeling like that.

I have said similar before but she still comes back.

She does drag me down, I wouldn't mind so much if she wanted to meet up for nice activities.

It's really tricky isn't it. One of the cruellest things about depression is that at a time in their lives when people most want support and and a listening ear, their behaviour tends to repel those who are able to offer it. It's very hard to support someone who can't ever see anything positive and seems reluctant to help themselves.

I think its perfectly reasonable for you to put boundaries up. Her behaviour is dragging you down and draining all the joy out of the friendship and it's not serving you well.

If I were you I would try to enforce boundaries in as positive a way as possible: "I like spending time with you and I'd love to do X". If she wants to be super negative you need to read her the riot act and say you're not prepared to be continually brought down by it and while you are always there for her she needs to respect your needs too. It might be a lightbulb moment for her and if it's not, you've done the honourable thing and can move on.

I would just keep repeating that she needs to talk to her GP. You can be a friend but you can’t be her counsellor or cure this for her. It’s not fair for her to dump how she’s feeling on you.

Thanks for the comments, I have tried all of those things but it's nice to see I was on the right track.

I have been in the same situation last year and suggested my friend see her GP. It’s nice to think you’re being kind and always there for someone in need, but it is also very scary to be so responsible for someone’s wellbeing. Your own child is one thing, and you can manage that, but an adult not living with you that may not take a single word of good advice… that is a huge responsibility.

Btw my friend got help in January from GP this year and is doing so much better. I kept up with her, contacting her to make sure she goes to the GP appointments. She’s like a whole different person now. Got a new job and more balanced. We meet up still for face to face coffee and chitchat. It can be so hard but try to steer professional help. That’s what they’re there for.