To worry about going back to work

[username210574]

I'll try to keep this as concise as possible. My usual job is a frontline role, and so when I fell pregnant I was given an alternate WFH position. Initially this was fine but the workload for the team rapidly increased to the point that we were metaphorically drowning. In order to try and increase productivity, they began tracking our individual contribution and tallying it against everyone else in the team for us all to see. It reached a point where I wasn't eating or drinking throughout the day because I was having to keep up with everyone else's performance. Combine this with struggling to sit down all day due to it aggravating my PGP (to the point that I couldn't walk around my estate), as well as the threat of losing my job due to misinterpretation of some legislation... it all got too much and I went off sick at 5 months pregnant. I returned to a different role on a phased return at 8 months pregnant when my employer finally completed a risk assessment for my remaining 4 weeks before going off on maternity.

Fast forward 14 months. I haven't slept more than 3 hours since DS was born. We have tried basically everything but I have been advised to stop driving myself crazy searching for answers now and just accept our scenario (by the HV). I function just about, but my moods are volatile, my anxiety is high, and my memory and concentration is poor. I'm also physically weak due to the amount of weight I've lost and not having the energy to exercise. I'm on antidepressants and am under the perinatal mental health team.

My usual job carries truly significant responsibility, is completely autonomous, requires a certain level of fitness and strength as it is quite physical, and involves a lot of driving. I genuinely do not consider myself capable of going back to this role in my current state, especially given that I won't have done it for 2 years.

I don't want to take the mick with my job. As much as I would like to not have to worry about work and be a SAHM for a while, we are not in the financial position to do this as, obviously, we never anticipated things still being so difficult 14 months in. I have already reduced my hours to part time (hence why I am still on annual leave) but I still do not feel like I can go back to my role at present.

Firstly, AIBU to feel like this? And if I am NBU, is it more reasonable that I see whether there is a less taxing position I can do for a while that I can manage, or should I be off sick completely? I feel like neither scenario reflects well but equally not putting myself or others at risk seems like it should take precedence.

Have you not had the opportunity to complete KIT days? These could have been a good opportunity to raise concerns you have about returning to your role etx and see if you can work with the company to find a solution that works for both them and yourself.

Ultimately though, you have to do what is right for you. If you know you cannot do your role as it currently stands then you need to speak to your boss and seek a solution. Or alternatively start looking for a new job that’s better suited. Sick leave may be an option, but I personally don’t think it’ll achieve anything positive in the long run.

I'm not surprised you're depressed if you're not sleeping more than 3 hours a night (and haven't been for 14 months). Stop bfing if you still are or feeding in the night and ignore your toddler. He/she will eventually learn that night time is for sleeping. You are important too, just as much as he is and 14 month olds do not need feeding in the night. You are not going to damage your child by helping him to get a full night sleep, but he will be damaged by having a stressed, anxious, depressed exhausted mother with no money.

It doesn't sound as if you'd be safe going back to your original role until you've sorted yourself out. I would ask if there is an alternative position you can do. otherwise your options are to go off sick (and possibly be managed out) or ask for more time off unpaid to sort yourself out.

The offer to do KIT days has been there but I've not felt up to doing a day in my old role. I was completely open with my manager during my RTW meeting and that's why I was given part time hours, as it was hoped things would have resolved (or at least improved) by now. Unfortunately that's not been the case and I feel so awkward admitting that because I feel like I "should have" been able to sort this by now.

@username210574 Sleep deprivation is one of the hardest things. Whilst you may feel ashamed that you haven’t sorted it yet, it may be because of the lack of sleep giving you a lack of motivation to do so.

if you can try and identify why DS is only sleeping for short bursts then research could help you find some solutions. They may not work but surely worth a try. Toddlers can learn to self soothe so even if you don’t enjoy the thought, there are ways you can try to help them learn to do so and give you more rest overnight. Hope you find something that suits you.

Goodness that's awful, what's the reason you're not sleeping more than 3 hours every night? Are you still breastfeeding? Your baby must be sleeping more than that, are you struggling to sleep in between wakings? Do you have a supportive partner who is willing to share the problem once you're back at work? I've been very fortunate to have all 3 of my babies sleep through from a very young age, so I've never dealt with this, but surely there's something that has to work! I don't think a baby not sleeping is a reason to be off sick unfortunately.

There’s no reason you should only have slept for 3 hours at a time in that amount of time. That is solely down to an unsupportive husband, not the toddler.

Take it in turns to deal with night wakings and alternate having one night off every other night. Sleep in a spare room or on the sofa if you have to, basically move yourself as far away as you can from toddlers room, get some ear plugs and fully tune out on your partners nights.

It doesn’t sound like this is really a going off sick situation, you just need to take control of your situation and do things to help yourself.

YANBU. It sounds completely impossible for you to return to that role. I've been where you are with the sleep and if you add anything else into the mix (a stressful physical job) you're going to break. Know your limits, you're probably already exceeding them, and look for something else.

It sounds as though you and the baby's dad need to work together more, so you have equal amounts of rest.

If that doesn't work and they can't find you a different role, you may need to consider looking for a different job.

I mean even things like this...

It reached a point where I wasn't eating or drinking throughout the day because I was having to keep up with everyone else's performance.

Your DP could've made your packed lunch before he left for work.

It's little things like that, that add up and make things easier when you work as a team.

@NeatCompactSleeper I don't think OP not having a pre made sandwich was the problem, it sounds as though the workplace culture was completely untenable.

Weaning didn't help unfortunately. I'm suspecting (and have been since he was younger) SEN, for various reasons but the sleep would tie in. Although professionally, no one is taking me seriously due to his age. 😔

Thank you, that's what I've been doing since he was about 10 weeks old and I started sounding like I was suffering from munchausen's by proxy because I was constantly trying to label something as being wrong. It's why the HV told me to stop trying to fix it now and to just accept it for what it is (given how much I've already tried that's not worked).

Sorry I meant that I've not had more than 3 hours of unbroken sleep. It's every 1.5-2 hours at the moment, and I probably total maybe 6 hours in a night between wakings and then my own insomnia.

I'm not still breastfeeding, and to be honest that's made things more difficult now so I wish I hadn't stopped. My partner tries but DS will often just get more and more irate at his presence and the screaming triggers my anxiety so we end up with 2 dysregulated people in the house rather than 1 and then I don't sleep for the rest of the night because I'm full of cortisol and adrenaline.

The offer to do KIT days has been there but I've not felt up to doing a day in my old role

KIT days are not there for you to work a day in your role. They are for your manager and perhaps wider team to keep you up to speed on what's happening, convey any useful information and be the link to ensure when you resume your job you feel quite prepared rather than stressing out playing catch up.

I have to say your organisation is behaving shockingly towards you. They don't have a clue about how to keep a workforce healthy and productive, newsflash to them it does not involve tracking everyone and pitting colleagues against each other in some false and unfair competition. How clueless. You shouldn't be expected to be as productive as a pg woman compared to a non pg woman.

Are you in a union. I would get them involved in supporting you.

I know this is off topic but there is some help out there for sleep if you look hard. I don’t know what area you are in but most local SEND groups and charities won’t expect a diagnosis for little children so you can contact them as they often have sleep workshops, advice from other Mums etc. Your local family centre might also be able to help.

There is also the sleep charity who can advise and identify resources that might help. https://thesleepcharity.org.uk/national-sleep-helpline/

I forgot to add that I really feel for you, sleep deprivation is so hard. I hope it gets better for you soon. 💐

Have you tried a sleep consultant?
or a different health visitor.

If you need to return to some form of work your going to need to be able to get better sleep even in what would be perceived as an easy job you can’t function on that little sleep to fulfil a job.

Have you actually spoken to work about the situation and can they offer any support?
Are there any other roles available?

But until you have more sleep it probably isn’t going to help your anxiety.

This sounds so tough - I would be talking to the peri natal team or your GP about being off sick. It will give you an opportunity to think about next steps and continue to find ways to make life as easy as possible for you and your family. Are there any benefits you could look at or other jobs in your sector that are more flexible- I taught at a university when mine were little and although I had to be in to teach no one minded when I marked assignments whether that was 7am or 10pm it just helped us flex (as my oldest never slept!) and I was on antidepressants for PND.
I then just did what I needed too - my husband had to do more to support (is your DH doing his bit at night?) - mine wasn’t but is rubbish at getting up during the night so he would stay up and do the 2am feed/settle while I went to bed at 9 and got up for the 6am one. I did the bare minimum in the house, slept when DS did, had DS in bed with me - anything to get me through the day. Will anyone give you a night off so you can just sleep/ take a deep breath. Take care of you and your mental health .

Can you request a transfer? Maybe to training if your work has that? If you’ve been front line they may want experienced people to teach. Not sure what you do .. but say it’s the police, I know some people who have transferred to the training school to help with childcare too. Might be a good alternative if possible. Means it’ll be less driving and more routine hours. Is there anything like that in your company that you could request?