To think my partner should take on parenting duties in the evenings?

[Liz811]

So, bit of backstory; when our daughter (2.5) was born, I was a stay at home mum for various reasons. My partner was a teacher on decent money. End of last school year he had some time off for mental health reasons and was having panic attacks at work. He went back in September and had an entire month off sick, got some new meds, and decided to go back as an LSA after October half term. He dropped from £35,000 a year to £13,000. We now get 2-year funding as a low income family so our daughter goes to nursery 15 hours a week. I decided to start a business as I was struggling to find a job to work around nursery hours, and I like to make things. I own a cricut and a sublimation set up and decided to open an Etsy store. It’s been going well, I’ve made a fair amount of sales via Etsy, but all money goes back into the business, it’s only been 3.5 months since starting so I haven’t taken any money out of the business yet, it all gets re-invested. I had a stall on Sunday and took £800 in sales in 6 hours, so this is definitely a viable business, it just needs some time to take off. Anyway, back to parenting duties.

Let’s start with Sunday. I got up, and got the last few bits packed up for my stall (we set most of it up on Saturday), I made our daughter breakfast, and made lunch and drinks for me and my sister to take with us. My partner got up before we left and said they’d stop by later to see us. I was busy all day, stood up because from the seat I couldn’t see over all my stock on the table. I had so many people come and buy stuff and barely had enough of a break to even go to the toilet! I got home and he’d already done dinner for him and our daughter so I had to make myself something. In my exhausted state I accidentally ate something with milk in and triggered a reaction that lasted until Tuesday. Daughter had multiple potty training accidents throughout the day with Daddy, and pooped in 3 pairs of pants. We took turns at bedtime like we usually do, until daughter was asleep and then I unpacked boxes of stock and tidied the craft room a little bit.

Monday partner went to work, and I took daughter shopping, then we stopped in to my great auntie & uncle’s house, got home and made us both some lunch, played for a while, did some baking, partner got home and played with daughter in the garden while I made lasagne for dinner. Daughter had no accidents all day on my watch, I made sure she went to the toilet before we left, while in the supermarket, and before we left auntie/uncle’s house. Partner gave daughter a bath because I’d done the last 3. She fell asleep on me on the sofa and I carried her up to bed and then started doing some work, I had 27 orders to do.

Daughter woke up just after 5am, and I got up and got her back to sleep, got back to bed at around 6:30am and partner’s alarm started going off at 7am, which he repeatedly snoozes for 45 minutes. At 8am I wake daughter up, get her fed, dressed, sort her lunchbox out and she’s ready for nursery. I drop her off then come home and work, I go and post a couple of parcels, and work on orders until pick up time. I go and get her from nursery then heat up leftovers for dinner. Partner goes out for his weekly game night at 6pm, and I do bedtime on my own, which takes just over an hour. I then finish off some orders and pack them up and pay for shipping and arrange a Royal Mail collection before going to bed. Partner goes to bed and sleeps all night, I’m up with daughter at about 3:30am. Fall asleep in her toddler bed and wake up with back ache and get back into my own bed just after 6:30, although partner is sleeping on my side, so I first have to move him over. His alarms start going off and he snoozes them all again. At 8:20 just before he leaves he comes in and says “are you getting up today?!”

I spent all of today (Wednesday) waiting in for Royal Mail to collect 11 parcels. So I make the beds, do the dishes, empty the bins, hoover, sweep the kitchen floor and wipe down the sides, throw old food away, fold the clean laundry and put mine and daughter’s away, do another load and hang it all up, do some more baking, and play with daughter and potty training in between. Her current favourite game is hide and seek, which is what we’re doing when partner comes in from work. I make dinner, he gives her a bath. She has had no accidents again with me all day. Partner starts off bedtime and I start working, until daughter shuts her fingers in the window and screams for mummy, he goes out to smoke while I sit with her, then he comes back and I carry on working. I have 11 mugs to make tonight to ship out tomorrow. At 9:15pm he comes in and asks where I was, I tell him I have loads of work to do. He asks since when is that a thing?

AIBU to think that he should be doing more of the parenting in the evenings so I can work? I do it all day while he works. If I had a job outside of the house that I went to in the evenings then he’d have to do it all, why should it be different just because I’m only upstairs in the craft room? Plus he gets his game night every week when I have to do everything on my own, surely he can do it occasionally when I have loads of orders to do?

No you are not

No normal person will think you are unreasonable.

The question is what are you going to do about it.

It does sound like

1. you resent him for not being as on top of things like potty training

2. like you haven't communicated that you're working - he had to come and find you

He should definitely be picking up more of the parenting, you do a lot, he should do his fair share of that and the household chores. However, it sounds like you're currently default parent so you'll need a frank conversation to change that so you each know where your boundaries are. Things like are you ok to step in when dd calls for you, who's making dinner etc.

Listen, I didn’t read all of that because

YANBU to need to earn more money - you can’t realistically be a SAHP if your OH is on £13,000 a year.

If you’re not a SAHP your a working parent, therefore he needs to let you work.

But honestly, he can’t carry on in a low-paid term-time job and/or you can’t build up a crafting business - one or other or both of you needs better paid employment.

If I had a job outside of the house that I went to in the evenings then he’d have to do it all, why should it be different just because I’m only upstairs in the craft room?

This is what you need to hash out.

Maybe ask him to write down honestly how he's feeling about being a parent/partner at the moment; the expectations and frustrations; and then show him what you've written here (on a piece of paper, not the online thread). It's surprising how helpful the written rather than spoken word can be. It gives more space for thought and hopefully you'll both realise how much you've missed being close and understanding each other, and that you both have the ability to sort each other's problems out if you're each other's wingman instead of a distant satellite. There's still love here but without proper communication it's only going to get more complicated.

Me and DH work opposite 'shifts', he works full time out of the house on a mornings/afternoons shift pattern. I own my own business and work half in and half out of the house around his shift pattern. We have a 2 year old DD, who isn't currently in nursery.

This week we both get up at 7ish with DD, I go out to work in the mornings and have to be back so he can leave the house at 2pm, he takes care of DD, does chores, does her breakfast/lunch and makes me some lunch for when I'm back, he also makes my evening tea as he likes to have it at lunchtime and he leaves me some for tea time. From 2pm I work from home/clean/chores/dog walk and entertain DD, she goes to bed between 7:30 and 8:30pm and I get back on with work usually until he comes home at midnight, he goes to bed and I don't go to bed till 1am ish, I can sometimes be working until the early hours as it's the best uninterrupted time to be productive, the lack of sleep is the only drawback but I'm used to it now.

Ideally, you need to outline what you need to get the business off the ground, and he needs to get behind it. It took us a while to get sorted as when DD was younger and I was 100% working from home, I used to get the 'could you just' or 'can you get', 'can you look after DD while I go to the toilet' I did it, but I used to get a bit annoyed because I had to do literally EVERYTHING by myself with her while he was out at work, and he's out the house 10 hours straight every day. We found the happy medium though. It's bloody hard work, but my business is earning great now and you can't beat the flexibility being your own boss brings, but actually leaving the house to go to my premises is what has made DH really shine with dad duties, maybe you could try and come to an arrangement that if you're in your room, you're 'at work' and he's not to disturb you, but don't be completely rigid if you don't have to be, I have always done the bath/bed routine and honestly don't mind being the default parent, if they need me for something.

The other way round is instead of doing all the chores while you've got DD is to start doing your work, our DD is pretty independent at playing or she likes to 'help' with what I'm doing, so sometimes I get loads of work done while she's pottering around, just give her some vinyl to play with!

Above every thing else, you need to try and be a team, and communication is a huge part of it. One thing I don't ever do is criticize his methods or nit pick ANYTHING he does with DD, or chores, or anything else, he does things different to me, it's not the way I would choose to do it, but I don't actually care, I'm just happy things are being done, the minute you start picking fault it's a breeding ground for resentment, and you can both fall into the mindset that you don't want to help each other out. I'd be really upset if my DH made tea for him and DD and didn't bother to make me any knowing I'd been working all day!!

Good luck with the business OP, try and push it as much as you can so it's earning money you can take as a wage, it's so much better then having a regular job!

What did he say when you told him all of this?

So to come back to this - he’s looking at a new job which would be £21,000 a year - so an extra £8,000 a year, great right? After tax and NI that’s £400 a month. But then UC deducts 55p from every £1 you earn so we’d lose £220 of our universal credit meaning we’re only £180 better off each month. Then we’re over the earning threshold for 2-year funding and have to pay for nursery - that’s £80 a week. Now, UC will reimburse 85% of that - a month after you’ve paid it. Which brings our grand total extra pay to a whopping £90 a month. Extra hours, extra responsibilities, for £90 a month. There’s absolutely no motive for getting a better paid job when £8,000 a year on paper is £90 a month in reality.

Absolutely he should. You need to sit down and have a proper discussion/planning session so you know exactly who is doing what when. Maybe even a wall chart! Make sure you both understand it and agree to it.
On another point. You need to make sure you're being realistic about your business. When do you think you'll be able to take a decent wage? I mean a proper wage which takes your time into account. Sorry for saying this and forgive me if I'm teaching my grandmother to suck eggs- but there are so many craft businesses that never actually become viable even though the people involved are working thier socks off. If you've done your sums and you're sure of yourself I apologise. Throw things at me.

Ok so you've told him its pointless going for this job?
Have you told him about the potty training, the not parenting or doing enough at home or are you just expecting him to suddenly do it?

Do you resent him going out one evening a week?
Would you like to have a night to yourself eveey week?
Does he understand what you're doing with your business? Does he understand you are making money from it?

You need to speak to him...a lot.

Can you do more of the craft when she is in nursery? Perhaps he just wants to do up til bedtime together. After bedtime I think your time is your own.

Are you really sure your business is viable? You talk about sales but not profit? How much do you make (actually make in profit) for each hour you have to work?

And I do wonder if a bloke spending hours on a business that makes no money would get a far tougher time than you have, and be accused of avoiding family life, on here.

I'd be telling him the constant snoozing of the alarm has to stop. It's so inconsiderate towards you.

I'd start with separate bedrooms given his shenanigans with multiple alarms. Fucking inconsiderate.