to feel terrible that my DS has to wear plus size school trousers?

[Mum3boyz]

My DS is 14 and has been putting on weight for over a year now. Of course he needs to do this as he's growing up but he has definitely become overweight. I have been at a loss as to what to do and I have two other boys (17 and 12) who are very slim. I only cook healthy meals but he eats around this.
Today I had to buy the plus size school trousers from m&s as others don't fit him. I feel like a terrible parent. Am I?

I stopped my teens pocket money when it was all getting spent on junk food and energy drinks after school. This wasn't acceptable to me. Either stop it, or have some pocket money ground rules. Now I give my teen money for things like cinema, shopping, going out for lunch with a friend as and when instead of pocket money. This works well and she doesn't miss out.

Her friend is extremely overweight, and parents say they can't do anything because she buys junk with her own money, she is 15, and all money comes from pocket money not her own income, so I think it is up to them if they keep providing the money to buy it with.

It depends how out of control their eating is. One of my children has been fat forever but didn't overeat anything... and suddenly shot up at a teenager into a gawky long limbed foal! The other goes out, then up, then out again.

Personally, I would not say a single word. But I know how our personalities react to that. The more we are contained/deprived the more the "bad" behaviour goes underground! I did not want to breed secret eaters!

Is he actually overweight, have you weighed him? At 14 I'd have a chat about healthy eating (and weight if he is over) and suggest he limits the snacking to once a week.

Make him good healthy food and do not limit his meals.

Increase the exercise - get yourself out with him.

Review in 3 months.

Open a savings account, divert his pocket money into that and call it his university or driving lessons fund. Don't give him access.

Explain that he was only wasting it on junk food so much better do something useful with it.

Make sure there is plenty of fruit and wholemeal toast/peanut butter at home if he is genuinely hungry.

My eldest son was a chunky boy during growth spurts.
He'd eat like he'd never encountered food before then drop a stone or two when he wasn't growing.
My other sons are really slim so it was noticeable.
Anyway at 14 he seemed to come to a stop of excessive growth spurts (at almost 6'5) and he's slimmed down by 5 stone.
He was always active and now does the gym and plays sports most days, he just isn't constantly hungry.

I think some kids really struggle with growing and weight gain. I did take mine the docs because he was about 16 stone but she said that it was just puppy fat and to not worry until his growing was done. She was right! Now he's skinny and muscley and looks like a grown up 😭

Please update us OP, when you decide which strategy(ies) to try. Let us know how well they worked?

My DS was the same from about 10. We joined something called the Mend programme which taught him about healthy eating and exercise and he lost a bit of weight but it crept back. The word fat was totally banned at MEND .DS was unhappy about his weight and and avoided sport as he was teased. He generally ate well but I felt sad for him but unsure how to help. He eventually managed to get into a football team and had a bigger circle of friends so went out on his bike etc and despite eating like a horse the weight dropped off . He is now 20 and a regular gym goer who eats very healthily and looks great. Hang in there OP and encourage healthy eating and exercise but don’t focus on his weight too much as it can can cause MH issues and disordered eating .

Thanks everyone for your kindness and encouragement. It is a bit of a lonely place worrying about this. On the one hand I don't want to say anything to him that might body shame him or kick off some disordered eating. On the other hand I don't want to ignore the issue or stick my head in the sand!

I had the same experience. DS school trousers had same waist and inside leg!

However, he sort of shot up over a period of about six months, aged 15, and went from being tubby to stick thin (and 5 ft 10) He didn’t change his eating or exercise at all in that time.

He is 22 now and still thin.

Try not to worry, just keep an eye on his intake without making a big deal of it. It’s very hard.

@Triflenot the difference with the other two is that they both play football but they also have friendships that get them out a lot. So they're constantly on the move. My middle son was very affected by covid (transitioned into year 7 in the middle of it all) and he never really made any friends. His two best friends from primary school went to a different school and live quite far away so he spends a lot of time gaming online with them. So basically he is less active but I also think he is probably lonely and could be comfort eating.

@mysparkleismissing thank you. Sending kind thoughts to you too. X

@Merryoldgoat no I haven't. I have talked to him about what he's eating and discussed healthy nutrition and keeping the unhealthy snacks to a minimum. I'm worried that if ask why he's overeating, he will say he's not he's just eating when he's hungry and I'm not sure what I would say to that. On the weekend he told me one of his best friends had started calling him fat. I asked him how does he feel about that. He said, well I am fat. All the advice is don't discuss weight so I totally panicked about what to say. In the end I asked him how he felt about his weight and he said he's fine about it.

@luladebulachops I did wonder if it was a growth spurt thing when the problem first became apparent - he was 13 at the time and we were on holiday last August. Since then he has slowly grown up but he hasn't slimmed down - in face he has grown wider.

We did a course together to try and promote healthy choices beezeebodies.com/

Start exercising as a family, don’t give money to spend on junk, only give it if u r going out shopping where he can get clothes, trainers etc.
Once the taste for junk sets in it’s a slippery slope, so u need to nip it in the bud. Don’t talk about weight talk about health and being fit.

@lljkk I will absolutely keep you posted. One thing I did a few weeks ago was sign me and DS up for some tennis coaching. We've been doing that together for an hour each week and then practicing ourselves for another hour later in the week. So that's added a couple of hours exercise and we are adding a third hour of practice from next week. He is very up for this which I think is really positive. He does also go for a bike ride with his dad now and then.

@Lwrenagain when you took your son to the docs, did you tell him it was because you were concerned about his weight? Do doctors do health checks for teens?

I took him because I was concerned, he wasn't eating any more than his peers did, not that they ate amazingly, he just would gain weight so quickly in comparison.
We kept honest food diaries and showed our GP, nothing stuck out as excessive for a teenager.
Anyway she said it'll come off, she was right. He did did put effort in and enjoys the gym now, but the main thing seems to have been he's not having massive growth spurts.

I will say that his confidence has improved since losing weight massively and he does say he'll always attend a gym and not eat crap the way he did now he's aware he feels so much happier.
But by crap it was just the same things his peers did, sweets after school etc, they still do it, he doesnt.

I think you can only do so much with older kids, they'll eat secretly if they want to. You can't have as much control.

I was really worried and as I say, he's doing amazing now! Try to not worry and just encourage him if he wants to exercise more. X

@Mum3boyz yeah he knew it was because of his weight, we discussed it before hand and he was comfortable with the discussion x