Have you ever lived in survival mode for years? How do you recover?

[ExtraLargeCupOfTea]

I have opportunities and time now to pursue my own interests. But can't seem to do anything? Have had major knocks for years (serious ill health of my own, and multiple close bereavements) and it's like it drained out all my confidence and ability to throw myself in to doing stuff I enjoy.

I know in theory what I want to do, but cannot even try anymore?

I am grieving, but don't think I'm depressed as cognitively I do know I'd enjoy stuff and am glad if I do something ie even something simple like go to play a sport. But can't do it routinely.

Have not left the house for almost three days and this is regular.

Feeling under immense pressure to enjoy life as keenly aware how short it all is, but fuck me I can't get going!

How do you recover after a prolonged period of rough times? Is there anything I should be doing?

Should I try to force myself into a routine or something? I need to reclaim my life.

It's going to probably sound a bit daft, but have you given yourself time to recover? I mean fully recover? Without pressure that you should be doing anything.

I have been through a long period of living in survival mode (probably 6 years in total). I am a bit like you but I think that my body is telling me what I need which is not to overdo it or put itself under pressure. I also think I have some form of PTSD, my concentration is poor.

Have you tried things like short walks? Small projects in the home for example crafting. Reading, listening to podcasts?

Have you someone you can talk to about what you have been through so you can process it? I haven't really done this yet and it's probably the most important thing I need to do, the first thing to cross off.

Hopefully someone will come on with some brilliant advice.

Good luck, I just empathise with what you are saying, it's similar for me.

I’m not sure if it’s the same thing but I’ve had long periods that were just one crisis after another. Is that what you mean? In times like those, I found staying in did me more good than forcing myself out.

I’m afraid I don't have any super wise words, but from my experience, what has helped is simply… time.

Give yourself time to grieve. Time to go slow. Don’t put a deadline on recovery. Just keep the thought in the back of your mind that one day, when you feel up to it, you would like to do X walk, visit y place, pick up z hobby. Don’t let go of the ideas, let them nestle in your mind, and in the meantime give yourself permission to do sod all if you don’t feel like it.

As time goes by, one day in the future, you will wake up feeling that “today is the day I want to do X”. And slowly, you will get back to yourself. In your own time.

Maybe forcing yourself into exercise is the answer?

Walking or running? It would at least get you out of the house once per day.

Choose one thing and make a start on it? The easiest thing. You might feel differently a week or two in. It takes a long time to reawaken but it's beautiful when you recognise it happening.

Yes, I’ve had over a decade of major knocks to the extent where I feel on edge all the time waiting for the next thing to happen. However, I am able to do stuff I enjoy, I don’t really have to force myself because I look forward to it and it definitely makes me feel better. What I can’t do is work to the level and extent I did previously (lawyer). I’ve accepted and come to terms with that. I think just working out what you can and can’t do and making peace with that is the start of recovery. Hope things work out for you.

I've been through very, very long periods of appalling stuff happening, still am. Can't even comprehend the totality of the bad stuff really. I agree with PP, staying in is ok. Don't force yourself into recovery.
But do try to work out what small things can help, just a tiny bit at a time. See if you can find a sunny spot in your house and get the sun on your face. Grief can paralyse you and make you twitchy simultaneously.
You think about what space the loss of a loved (or even an abusive) one gives you and think you should be filling that space with the things you know you love doing, but the paralysis sets in... let it. It's grief. Go with it. You're human, and you're strong but being strong allows you to acknowledge frailty and sadness and the vulnerability loss brings.
And if you can find people to talk to, that's good..
Time helps, it's not really the enemy. Loss makes us aware of the value of life, and of the evil ticking click, but it's ok just to exist; it's meaningful just hiding away for as long as you need to. X

I do know I'd enjoy stuff and am glad if I do something ie even something simple like go to play a sport. But can't do it routinely

This part of your post made sense to me. If you've been under a lot of stress for a long time, responsibility and obligations seem to suck the fun out of everything. Spontaneity is missing when your life is hard. It can be impossible to just go sit in a coffee shop or read a book and not do anything.

Two things came to mind: go on a holiday. Doesn't have to be long. Just get a change of scenery to help with developing a new perspective. to help you see and understand the new nature of your life.

And a book called The Creative Act, I think, by Rick Rubin. It's good and doing something creative can help to process grief.

Yes. A decade now.
I have no idea how I would start to recover. I'll maybe find out in a few years, it won't happen until my younger teen is OK at least.

Yes. The only thing that actually helped unstick me and my lost sense of self was/is therapy.

Ive been there and one of the biggest and hardest things for me was that I expected something bad to happen all the time. So what was the point of doing anything as it would end in disaster?
I had to consciously tell myself that I shouldn’t think that way, things would be ok, I would be fine, my Dc would be fine etc etc. It was really hard, but I did find after a couple of months that I believed it and life got so much better as I started to think more positively and actually started to look forward to doing things.

Grief is hard, it changes us, you don't 'get over it' eventually you continue to grow around it but you might need to spend time getting acquainted with who you now are.

It struck me hard last weekend, the weather was nice, for the first time in a long while I had a tank of fuel in my camper and some money in my pocket, nobody demanding my time.

I thought 'now I can do whatever I want', the trouble was I couldn't think of anywhere I wanted to go or what I wanted to do...like I don't really know myself at all.

I know I spend too much time alone to be healthy but it's easier than facing other people's expectations. Wearing the mask is so tiring.

I try to set small targets, I went to a bereavement support group tonight, I've been before but not since covid, but it feels safe and I tell myself I'll just listen. I find it helps and was surprised to listen to all the words spilling out of my mouth.

I went to a pub after for a pint, it was quiet but there was a couple of groups chatting, I didn't talk to anyone but it felt OK to be around people knowing I could leave at any time I'm not sure I enjoyed it as such and I didn't stay long but it felt sort of normal...for me anyway.

Sorry I'm not sure what it is I'm trying to say. Small steps and don't berate yourself if you don't make it, try again or try something else

Have you given yourself time to rest and recover? I think that was a really important point up thread. When you've been in survival mode for a long time you can't just bounce back, you need to rest and recover and you need to deal with with all the harm and loss that being in survival mode has caused. The only should till you're doing better should be what do my body and mind need to recover? You won't ever be the same as you were before all this but that doesn't mean you can't get back to a good place.

By the way finding it impossible to do things you love and know you would enjoy can be a sign of depression. You can also still enjoy doing things and be depressed, the criteria is much more faceted than that. It might be worth talking to your GP and doing one of the depression questionnaires to see.if this is a factor currently.

I know what you mean. Give yourself time and take it at your own pace. Don’t put pressure on yourself. On the other hand if you have opportunities take them when you can.

I had years where I couldn’t even read a book. Now I’m back to reading again and keep a list of what I read. It’s a simple thing but I get a sense of achievement from it.

It’s even a big deal for me if I can watch an episode of a Netflix series as again it was something I couldn’t do as I had no concentration whatsoever. For a long time, all I could do was mindlessly scroll through the internet.

I find being with people helps too. Just meeting a friend for a coffee for a couple of hours makes me feel better even if it seems like a major effort beforehand.

Another thing I do is keep
connected to the world by doing just this - chatting on mumsnet about random stuff!

A lot of the time I am stuck in the house but I can still chat away or rant about something or put the world to rights even if I can’t go out and do it in person.

yes 🙌
you have the right attitude. You can change things…. But you also need to accept where you are and not fight yourself.

I think picking one thing to start with is really good advice. For me it was going for a walk every day. Even if it was only 15 mins at first and building from there. Getting outside, moving your body, really great for you physically, your mental health and help you sleep better which in turn makes it easier to do other things. You might eventually feel like doing some more regular exercise once you get a taste for it.

next slowly start having a think about nutrition… eating as much whole foods as possible certainly lots more plants and protein and less ultra processed foods.

It might take weeks or months but when you feel you’ve gotten to grips with them in your routine… start to focus more on your mental health. Find therapist or good book as a guide as it’s so multi faceted. Things that have worked for me; challenging negative self talk and self limiting beliefs, meditation, doing things I enjoy for the sake of it and bring me joy (think back to what you liked doing as a kid), being creative, spending time with people that fill you up.

latest thing I’m learning about is nervous system regulation. I noticed I often feel anxious for no reason… it’s like by body’s default state has become stress and anxiety!
lots of the things above help but being conscious and trying things like a cold (or cool) blast in the shower have been surprisingly helpful.

i thought I did health and well-being before but it’s only in the last year I’ve realised how everything links together and it’s made such a difference

you’ll get there op. One step at a time

Yes, I lived with prolonged stress for many years, but different reasons. However (and looks like most people are giving you this kind of advice) this might help in the immediate... Get into bed. And get super fucking cosy. And get a book. Or watch a film. Not a stress inducing film, mind, like a romcom or something easy. Feel the covers on you. Feel the quietness of the room. Just really enjoy the cosiness as much as you can.

Then when you wake up in the morning, write. In a journal. Start off with “last night I got into bed and was cosy, I watched X film, I felt X at first and then after a while I felt Y…”

just keep writing through the whole experience. Literally just keep writing whatever you’re thinking.

after this go for a short walk.

then come home and just be. Don’t put ANY demands on your time. you need time.

and also definitely look into therapy/grief counselling/grief groups/speak to your gp.

It’ll come right in the end.

I’m so sorry, OP. Sounds like you’ve had the stuffing knocked out of you. Frustrating as it is, I imagine you need to let it all just work its way through you in its own time, and focus on caring gently for your body. Grief is exhausting like nothing else in this world.

I went through a similar long period of deep loss, and remember thinking angrily that rest was supposed to feel restorative - whereas I was resting and resting with no restoration in sight! I just kept feeling so deeply fatigued and confused, and so frustrated, and unable to concentrate or muster the oomph to get anything underway.

I tried to force myself to exercise and this got a very hard no from my body - any exertion would floor me for days. This was hard not least because there seemed to be bizarre amounts of social pressure to channel my grief into feats of extreme athletic endurance - people were crawling out of the woodwork to suggest I train for a marathon. I could hardly stand up to put the kettle on! And everyone’s well meaning advice to push myself just made me feel like a total failure, and avoid people even more.

Four things helped: walks (only when the weather was sunny and I could face leaving the house), keeping a journal (intermittently, when I felt up to it), lots of cozy nostalgic TV series like Poirot, and obsessively - utterly obsessively - playing a puzzle game called Word Bubbles Rising. I just gave in to the total mad compulsion of it, for hours at a time. One day I just stopped wanting to do it, and it was not long afterwards that some glimmer of joie de vivre began to return. I think of that game now with so much fondness for what it got me through.

Be very kind to yourself, be open-minded about what might help you regulate even if it doesn’t seem wholesome or edifying. Prioritise comfort. I felt so COLD all the time for a year or two after my bereavement - my BP and heart rate were all over the place and I couldn’t regulate my body temperature at all. I got a huge duvet coat and thermal base layers and wore them all the time.

Hang in there and don’t pressure yourself.
❤️

I think therapy probably. Sleep when you need it. You'll be exhausted. Exercise. It's hard to know without context. Can you go on holiday? Somewhere alone. I love the beach and heat. People say journaling is good too, although I've not done that. I think I might. Every day. Just write how you're feeling.

Oh and don't feel guilty or compare your life to others.

Deb Dana's written an easy handbook with 50 techniques to help regulate, some are arty, others random like noticing tree shapes- all sorts but it is a practice to notice and be aware of just your breath or how your body is responding to what is around you maybe.

Self-compassion in abundance too much will never be harmful!

Find a reason why to do something different, embrace survival mode, or find a new pattern to interrupt and replace what is now.

Regulation before expectation. Connection before correction.