This is the first time I’m posting on a forum like this, but I feel I need an external perspective on some of the things that have been going on in my relationship over the past decade or so. Things have come to a head in the last six months, and we are beginning mediation to separate (we are not legally married), but I still feel confused and part of me is hopeful that the relationship could be salvaged. But there are things I feel he needs to work on - am I being unreasonable?
- There has never been financial transparency in the relationship. He has his money and I have mine. He has always earned more than me (I don’t know how much more, but I am an academic and we live in a big house and have two luxury cars that he bought, so I assume a lot). We have a joint account that covers household expenses that we both contribute to, but I find it is often short for things like groceries, kids clothes, petrol, etc. We have two children and when on maternity leave with the youngest I was topped up the joint account on at least four occasions with between £200-£500 from my maternity pay. I recently found out (by going through his files on the advice of a lawyer) that the same year he made over £400,000. When I raised this with him he told me that I was being “ungrateful” and that he “would never let his family go without”. He also says that the reason he doesn’t put more money in the joint card is that I can’t budget, which I recognise might be true. Nevertheless, he buys designer clothes and has more than one watch worth £10K, while the only expensive things I own are presents he’s bought for me (when shopping for myself I tend to stick to charity shops or t k max), so it does feel a bit unfair.
- When we argue, he can get very angry and intimidating - standing over me, shouting, pointing his finger in my face and attacking my personality. He has called me selfish, spoiled, entitled, weak, ungrateful, a bloodsucker, poison, mean, vindictive, and abusive (towards him and the children). I have pointed out to him how hurtful I find this, and he has made an effort not to get so angry and shout, but he does still attack my personality when confronted.
- He has very strong opinions about things and often makes me feel a little controlled (he says it comes from a place of live and care). For example, he will make comments about the clothes I wear being too revealing, be upset if I hang out with male friends without him, or tell me it’s “inappropriate” for me to go out for a drink with a group of people I met at a recent conference abroad. I feel like I have to censor what I tell him for fear of upsetting him or causing an argument, and so feel anxious around him and like I’m always getting it wrong somehow.
- I recently raised all of these things with him, and while during the conversation he seemed to take it on board, he now says I am taking things out of context, “spinning a narrative” about him, “playing the victim”, and that I have misinterpreted things. When I asked him if he could understand why I feel the way I do even if his intentions have been good, he said no, and that it was my issue to deal with.
So now I’m left wondering if I am the unreasonable one, that I am somehow misinterpreting things and blowing things out of proportion. He is a good man and a food father and perhaps it just comes down to us having different understandings of love and partnership, but I feel very confused and unsure of things and feel like no matter how hard I try I can’t make it make sense in my head, like there’s always a piece missing.
Help!