To tell her (and other people) what he's doing?

[angrymanny]

A new lady joined my tennis club about 3 months ago.

She'd never played properly before (just with friends) but it was clear she had a natural ability.

Her and I have become quite good friends recently.

There's a really horrid repellent man in the class and it turns out she's been dating him for a few weeks. I was shocked to find this out as she's so lovely. I gave it the benefit of the doubt to start with

Recently she's been playing quite badly.

She confided in my last week that this awful man has been telling her how awful she is at tennis, putting her down endlessly, telling her she'll never be any good. (She was actually better than him when she joined).

The more he's been saying it, the worse her game is getting, because she's so anxious about it and her confidence is completely broken.

Two nights ago I witnessed him talking to a bunch of the other players, criticising her tennis skills, making her a total laughing stock, doing impressions of her. It went on and on relentlessly.

I'm the only person in the group who knows they're dating.

I took him to task immediately there and then, but there was only so much I could say in front of the group. She wasn't there at this point, she'd left early after a bad game.

I don't know whether to tell her what I witnessed him doing. I feel like she'd be even more hurt but she really needs to know. It had all the hallmarks of narcissism.

I also don't know whether to tell the other people in the club. People have stopped asking her to play and don't think well of her because she keeps going to pieces on the court, but I'm 100% sure it's because he's intentionally breaking her down and destroying her confidence.

Yes tell her. And then be supportive as to why she is with him and how to get rid!

Tell her, why wouldn't you

I'm worried:

A) she'll be too embarrassed to come back to the club

And

B) she'll tell him I've been talking badly about him. I don't trust him as far as I can throw him, and he and I are both long standing members of the club.

Glad you challenged him. Continue to do this if he repeats his criticism. If other members are listening to him dissing this new member it doesn't sound like a very inclusive, welcoming club! You can help the new member by generally talking about the need to encourage new members to develop their skills etc. Share your views individually with other members with whom you feel comfortable to gain friendly people who will play with her. Every club has members like this man.

Good for you OP. I'd definitely say something to her. And by the tone of your post I think you'll know how to get it just right.
As for the other members, you could definitely say you've noticed this bloke's trampling all over her confidence and that his criticism is completely unjustified anyway as you think she's potentially really good.
Hopefully this will encourage them to call him out too.
Keep doing what you're doing. I'm glad she has you as an ally.

I wouldn't tell her, i don't think it will empower her to leave. Not if you just bring it up anyway.

She sounds vulnerable.

So behave like any friend trying to support someone to leave an abusive relationship. Give her completely-judgement-free space to talk and encourage her strength and abilities.

Be careful how you criticise him - but I would absolutely continue to talk her up publicly.

If and when you think she'd be receptive to hearing about what he's been saying behind her back then tell her, but trust your judgement.

And I'd encourage her to be open about the fact they are dating - its a good way to alert people to an abusive relationship.

You can't tell the group someone else's private business. And I don't see what telling her is going to achieve other than make her feel more shit than she already does and possibly make her stop attending. Just keep being her friend and play with her.

Because the messenger always, always gets shot.

I can completely understand the OP’s reticence to tell her friend.

Which outcome is most likely, if she tells her?

From my viewpoint - the friend probably won’t believe the OP, she will cut her off, she will choose the awful man over the OP, and she will be left without a support mechanism - so further isolated, and far worse off.

Pessimistic of me? Absolutely. Also depressingly likely.

Sorry OP - I really, really do not envy the position you’re in. Your poor friend.

He is a prick and she is your friend, no brainer.

Even if she doesnt believe you now, she will work it out and will think back to what you said. Who cares if he finds out? Sounds like you can handle yourself if he starts on you. The only reason arseholes like this get away with it is because people dont call them out on it. You are doing it, keep doing it.

Solidarity.

Report him to the club chair. His conduct is not acceptable. Tell them everything in confidence.

Tell her what he’s been doing.

Get in with the club first do if he tries to destroy you afterwards, they’re already aware of your side.

Well, I tried to talk to her this morning but she's adamant. Apparently he 'actually' tried to help her with some coaching at the weekend so I've misunderstood him (and everything she told me about him just 4 days ago, not to mention what I witnessed with my own eyes!).

I'll leave her to it I think!