AIBU or is this Idiocy?

[QS90]

I feel like I'm falling out of love with my DP, after 8 years as he just seems to do idiotic things constantly, to the point that I dread interactions with him, as I don't want to think less of him or argue with him but it feels everything he does is just wrong. I can't work out whether it's just me being a b*tch, as he seems to think these are all easy mistakes, but just feels like it's all the time. He was always a bit forgetful, but now it feels so much worse.

To prevent a drip feed, we have a 2 year old and a 4 month old, and he recently lost his job. He thought it was all going really well but suddenly (to him) got fired for not hitting his KPIs in a call centre job.

Today the following;

• I turned on hoover to find it was completely blocked. He had been hoovering previously with a non-functioning hoover, presumably unaware it wasn't picking up.

• Didn't moisturise the toddler before bed, as he "didn't know he needed it". Our toddler has bad eczema and has been moisturised morning and evening religiously, every day for the past 2 years. DP does about half the bedtimes, and usually moisturises him no issue.

• Went to get a tea towel from under the sink to find it was all wet where he'd put an iron away with water in. He again "didn't know", despite it being him who did the ironing.

• A shirt he planned on wearing tomorrow for an interview smelt badly of BO. He can't smell it? It's been worn several times, so surely you'd expect it to smell even if you for some reason did have a poor sense of smell?

• I asked him to change the damp traps when I took the children to visit family for a fortnight. It transpired today that he'd been taking both the foil and the paper off, so he could "feel the little balls to see if they were damp". He didn't feel the need to read the instructions, despite having no clue how to use them.

• Forgot to bring the toddler's change bag back from nursery. He's not there until Monday again now, so it will be there all week.

Is it me, or is that a lot of stuff to get wrong in one day? I hate feeling this way about him, I'm hoping it is just me being unreasonable.

YANBU but he sounds like he might be struggling if this isn’t how he usually is

The job yes yanbu. Unless the company were at fault then he really should have been aware of his performance level and have started looking for another job. The shirt yanbu, that is pretty basic.

The rest I think you're being a bit harsh/a perfectionist. It is busy and stressful when you have children. (Especially when you are also upset and stressed about other things, like losing your jobs and your wife seeming upset with you). In these circumstances, I think it is easy to make little mistakes/forget tasks around the house. Not everyone has organisation/attention to detail as strengths. Maybe he has others strengths that are equally valuable?

Yes, his strengths are that he is kind, and a really good dad to our boys.

In my mind those traits are amazing and so much more valuable than dry tea towels. But sorry be trite, I know these things must be irritating.

... I can see how all that would be frustrating in one day Op but they are minor issues aren't they? List some of his positive attributes and see how they compare, it might help your perspective. If it helps, my otherwise intelligent husband can be an absolute dildo sometimes, he once microwaved his dessert (fine) but it was a gateau.

Sounds like he may be depressed. Saying he didn't know the toddler needed his cream when it is done every night without fail is weird and defensive and obviously not true.

He sounds like someone who has so many worries that he can't think straight. Losing his job is a huge thing - maybe that has made him depressed. I'd cut him some slack , give him another chance. Have a good long talk to him , start again from today. Good luck .

A friend got divorced from her husband who sounds similar to yours OP because she felt ground down, that she had an extra child to look after and was the only adult in their relationship. He was a nice guy but eventually did something thoughtless that had potentially fatal consequences for one of their children and that was the straw that broke the camel's back.

But every relationship is different/individual and it's up to you what you can overlook

If it was only the one day you could move on from it, but when these sort of things happen day after day after day you end up at screaming point. Its death by a thousand cuts and no relationship can carry on happily until these things are dealt with.

Have an honest conversation with him, and /or couples therapy. He needs to start acting more responsibly or leave. You have two children, you don't need another.

Tbh I do most of this stupid little things.
Absent mindedness, being distracted.

Having 2 small people is enough to clog my brain up.
I also found out I have ADHD at 39 which answered a lot of quieter questions!

I think he could do with support (moral and practical) by the sound of it

Honestly, recently, I've done some of those things. I'm stressed to the absolute max about things that are going on in my life at the moment. Sometimes I'm forgetting things almost as soon as I'm told. I'm doing things and I don't know why I'm doing it. I'm literally having to think about how to make a cup of tea. It's absolutely shocking.
If this is a relatively new thing for him, could he be having some mental health issues?

Is it strategic incompetence? Do you end up doing most of the housework and mental load?

We're supposed to empty the water out of the iron? 😳

I don't know what damp traps are, but if I did, I would probably fiddle with the balls too.

I have sympathy for your DP because I do those type of daft things all the time as a result of having ADHD/ASD. Sometimes the things people think are obvious, aren't obvious to everyone. If you're just running around with the hoover as part of a routine, you might not register that it's not actually picking anything up until you specifically try to pick something up. A smelly shirt is easy to miss if it looks clean because it doesn't occur to you to give it a sniff. Even forgetting to apply moisturiser is easy to do if distracted or the eczema is not looking obvious. And forgetting a changing bag is very easy to do when you are focusing on a child.

I don't know what the answer is for you. It sounds like this is how he has always been. This is who he is. If it doesn't work for you any more, then it doesn't work for you any more. I doubt he can change to be able to think more sensibly. But I imagine the stress of losing his job has him even more distracted than usual which might be causing more of these incidents to occur than normal.

You've got the ick, OP. In my experience there isn't much you can do about it

I think if there wasn't an underlying issue all of those things wouldnt bother you. They are bothering you because something bigger is bothering you. I love my DH to bits and none of those things would bother me (well losing the job would be horrendous because we have a mortgage to pay).

Losing his job, and all these forgetful things together suggest he may have something going on.

Honestly it sounds like the guy had a really shit day and your adding to it, I have adhd undiagnosed until age 36 and this shit happens to me all day every day despite trying my hardest I was always labelled forgetful before my diagnosis

Thanks for the perspective. I'm pretty sure he doesn't have ADHD, as we have a few friends who have been diagnosed with it as adults, and have spoken to them about it a fair bit, and he doesn't have any of the indicators. Hadn't considered a mental health issue - didn't know it could cause forgetfulness but I see from a quick Google that it can. Food for thought.