I dont really know what im looking for with this, I just feel a bit down and need a bit of a cry.
I had a pretty horrendous childhood and couldn't live with my parents. I was brought up by other family members. I have some awful memories from before leaving my parents- I won't go into it or else this post would be far too long but it involves physical abuse from one parent, emotional abuse from the other, in trouble with the law, alcohol, getting left in the house with 3 men I didnt know whilst my mom went partying with her best friend (their flatmate), looking after my mom after she drank too much and was unwell, my mom telling my how much she hated me and wished she had me aborted (she was too late finding out she was pregnant and couldn't get rid of me by that point) you get the gist, not the best parents.
I was brought up by family who are the polar opposite from my parents. Kind, respectful, hard working, never break the law, just very normal nice people. I had a great childhood and wanted for nothing.
Nobody in the family likes my mom which is fair enough because there's a lot of backstory aside from mine. She is very much the black sheep of the family and the only one who turned out the way she did. I was brought up never to be like her and always to be like the rest of my family.
But it feels like a cloud hanging over me. I'm always treated like the one growing up in the shadow of the chaotic mother that embarrassed the family and there's so much pressure on me not to do the same. Im a young adult now, I dont drink, smoke, im studying my masters and im just a regular person. I hope I haven't done anything to upset my family but no matter what, im still always going to be seen as an extension of my mom. I was always encouraged to do well and everything I was taught was so I wouldn't be like her. I was also never allowed to talk about it- I wasn't allowed to go to therapy or anything. As a child, I didnt understand why everything was dismissed- I would be having nightmares and want to talk about feeling sad or upset but I was always told to move on, dont talk about it and sometimes I was told it didnt happen, but I was the one there and I know exactly what happened.
I think they just didnt want me to talk about it because then its admitting that our family isn't perfect and its easier just to pretend it didnt happen. They'll see stories on the news about similar things and say how awful it is, yet I was told not to talk about what I remember and that it wasn't as bad as what other people go through and that dont mention it because its embarressing. Even though they loved me and wanted me, I could always tell they were awkward to other family/friends/people about the situation that I lived with them. I grew up thinking I was an embarrassment
I'm not trying to talk about it or bring it up, I know they dont like it so I wouldn't, but that's my identity and if they even get the hint im going to say something (eg at a wider family gathering if someone starts talking about childhood memories) I know they will be annoyed and embarrassed if they think im going to mention anything (even though im not)
im not cross because my family were amazing in every other way and I think they thought they were doing the best thing for me moving on. im an adult now and able to go for therapy and am able to get over my anxieties and problems now, but I spent so long as a child and teenager being miserable at not only my own experiences but the fact my existence was an embarrassment to the rest of my family.
its like my parents didnt want me, and the rest of my family are embarrassed of my situation because im a symbol of everything that went wrong
does anyone have any advice or experienced anything similar? Thanks so much in advance x