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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Narcissistic abuse

5 replies

BottomOfRock · 18/04/2023 20:48

Hi
Erm.. I need some advice!
ExDP and I have three DC together and he has an 18 year old DD from a previous relationship. He has full custody of her since she was 3 so she lives here too.

ExDP and I have split around 6 months ago and after years of narcissistic behaviour and abuse I want him gone!

I pay all the bills in this house but both our names are on the tenancy. He refuses to sign his name off and move out because he is "saving up" for his own place.

We both work full time but he earns more and holds money against me. If I'm broke after paying all the bills I have to ask him for money for food shopping but he uses this against me. Plus most of the time this isn't enough for a full food shop and I'm asked to pay him back.

Today I messed up cooking dinner so the food was shit and he went mad even though I asked him for help with it. He accused me of wasting money he gave me for food and I'm ungrateful. Usually when he goes off on one I stay quiet but today I responded saying I do him a favour by letting him live here rent free and cover all the bills.

He threatened me to repeat what I said and called me nasty names. I just stayed quiet and ignored him.
He moans if the house is a mess and if I ask him to help with housework he says "why am I going to clean up your shit for?"
I told him I clean up his when he responded with "it's the least you could do with all the money I give you"

Where do I go from here? I don't want to remove the DC from their home but I can't be around him anymore! I want him out of my life.
When he does move out I plan to go through CSA? Is that what it's called for him to pay child maintenance. I don't dare mention that to him at the moment.

I don't know if I've missed anything but that's just it in a nutshell

OP posts:
Perpetuallyexhaustedtoddlermum · 18/04/2023 20:53

If you were to go to the police about the abuse they will connect you to lots of useful people and organisations. If the level of abuse crosses a certain threshold, you can go to court for an occupation order to remove him from the tenancy, as his DD is legally an adult, she will be deemed capable of sourcing her own housing or returning to her bio mum depending on circumstances.

Mamette · 18/04/2023 20:58

Just leave. Thank your lucky stars it’s a rental. Your DC will adapt to a new house, don’t worry.
In the meantime, don’t cook for this person.

Dontbelieveaword · 18/04/2023 21:02

I agree with PP but if going to police seems a little overwhelming, consider contacting Women's Aid who will talk to you privately and confidentially, giving advice about the best and safest way to make this separation on a more permanent footing, getting him to leave house, how to claim CM.
But obviously, if you ever feel in immediate danger, don't hesitate to call police too.💐

JudgeRudy · 18/04/2023 21:19

I agree with others about seeking advice from Women's Aid if you're uncomfortable going directly to the police. He may not be physically abusing you but this psychological abuse is equally damaging to you....and your children. It's also criminal.
Sometimes in these situations things creep up on you, but it sounds like your eyes are wide open now. Is this the life you planned for you and your children. Now is the time for action.

howdoesatoastermaketoast · 18/04/2023 21:20

I think it'll be a cold day in hell before he voluntarily lives this situation. Is is an LA tenancy OP? I think you need better advice than I can give but I wish you all the luck in the world

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