How to recover from long term extreme stress ?

[AliceMay55]

In the last 5 years, we’ve been through 1 house sale, 2 international moves, 1 house buy and lost all our life savings (failed business).

DH and I have decent jobs and we have a beautiful house (big mortgage, which we could have paid off if we didn’t lose all our money). We are in early 40s, so still ok to recover financially.

Stress is completely wearing me out. I keep looking back and thinking what if. Extremely anxious and worried all the time. How do I recover from this and look ahead? I’ve been through CBT, it helped a bit.
Keen to hear from people who’ve been through very stressful times and managed to heal.

PP: Definitely not burnt out, but there could be more historic stress of being in a turbulent relationship. I’m now beginning to realise I’ve been quite stressed for the majority of the last decade.

I desperately need to heal. I’m getting worried I’ll develop some cardiac issues or get a stroke. Kids are beginning to sense my distress. DS is so clingy - he tells me things like “ I love you mummy” “you mean everything to me” etc. I was leaving for work this morning at 7am when he was just about to wake up. He hugged me and cried saying he’ll miss me a lot. Wtf 😳 as if I’m not going to come back! I must add that I work from home most days, I go into the office about twice a month.

I’m 42. Could I even be having hormonal issues?

Have a full MOT check up.
Eat the healthiest ever.
Work out for a couple of hours daily.
Go to bed early, wake up early.
No alcohol or drugs or smoking.

Could be worth checking your thyroid levels?

@BeesNeez
Got the NHS 40+ check done in Feb. All normal there.
exercise: I’m pathetic at it. I was running actively until finishing Uni. All went downhill after that. Also, I struggle with “time waste” syndrome. I really need to learn to value myself, prioritise my health and not see 1 hr of “roaming around” as wasting time.

Luckily I don’t do smoking/drugs/alcohol. But, I’m heavy on caffine. Trying to cut it down as I think it’s giving me palpitations in sleep 😴

I've had 4 moves in 3 years, and been forced to make the biggest decisions over the past 5 years too. So I totally get it!

Dealing with failed IVF, numerous relocating, new jobs, DH depression, when I look back it's a lot.

I know it sounds rubbish but try to focus on what you do have - for example for me, I'd happily swap places and wouldn't care about the buisness decision if I had DC; but I know it's not as easy as that!

It may not have been meant to be - money is not everything, imagine you had sold it and gone on holiday or something, and something bad had happened whilecaway - you'd be wishing you could turn back time and not have sold!

Loads of great ideas on this thread, I'll be doing some :)

Loads of great advice on here.

I'll add to the mix that CBT helps you change how you THINK but other types of talking therapy can help you change how you FEEL. That's why CBT isn't for all people or all situations.

If you want to try private therapy, look for someone who works with other types eg CFT, person-centred or psychodynamic therapy. They might be able to help you understand what is maintaining your rumination and "what if" thoughts

Oh OP I hear you. The past few years have been a lot for anyone, but throw in house moves, small children and the trauma with your business, it's no surprise that you're still feeling battered and bruised.

There's some brilliant advice on here and I'll just add one that has helped me. Similar to you, our business has been rocked by Covid and everything since and while we're clinging on (just), there have been a LOT of moments where we've beaten ourselves up about decisions we made that didn't pan out. I did a lot of soul-searching as I found I just couldn't move on from the 'what ifs' and they were holding me back. So, it's a little woo I realise, but I spent a little time actively forgiving myself - for bad decisions, for spur-of-the-moment actions and all kinds of other things that I was beating myself up about. I really delved deep into it and with each thing, I said outloud that I forgave myself my mistakes, just as I would anyone else.

It doesn't sound huge, but it helped things to shift. If I fall into the rabbit hole of 'if only' or 'but what if', I catch it, and gently and kindly remind myself that it's done - there's no going back and it wasn't my fault. It wasn't anyone's fault. It just happened.

It's horribly isolating, I know, but tying the guilt around your neck will achieve nothing but weigh you down and so try and lighten the load if you can. Look at all the good stuff - you said you have well-paid, decent jobs, a beautiful house and glorious children. The future is different to the one you'd envisaged, or felt that you should have had, but there's a lot there to enjoy and embrace.

I really hope things start to feel brighter for you soon - give yourself permission to enjoy the small things and they'll soon lead to bigger things too.

Thanks for your advice everyone. Very grateful 🙏🏻

sometimes it’s just down to perspectives -isn’t it!

It's no harm to remind yourself of the following.

You still have Circe 25 years till retirement . Yes Dave away but it's not imminent

1. As we go through life, everyone makes decisions they regret eg university course , marriage etc. it's all part of the journey through life

4 Try to park the decision and practice mindfulness concentrating on gratitude for what you have in your life. Healthy children, a comfortable home. Financial stability . Then remember that many many many people would trade places with you in a heartbeat . Write all the good stuff on a list and put it somewhere you can see it every day: 5 practice a bit of tic. Walks in country, facial: massage etc

This will all settle down .

Giving up caffeine (not all at once if you drink a lot) would probably make a big difference.

Doing some fun stuff - doesn't have to be expensive - but a picnic in the park if the weather is nice? Remember to have fun.

We got a dog - it hugely helped - she's a tie but a complete joy and makes us get out.

Long term stress doesn't go away easily - we had job losses, a bereavement, husband was very ill for a long time with depression after an appalling time in a very stressful job. He still gets flashbacks.

Partly it was accepting that the future wasn't going to be the same as we planned, but that we could cope with the new normal. Actually it's got better and we are now sounder financially than we were before but there was no way of knowing that then.

So we debated endlessly on some of those decisions, but it's the path we took so we had to accept that. Also stress makes you doubt yourself, obsess endlessly on things that are actually quite simple choices...

It does get better, give it time.

It takes time. You've been through trauma.

It has taken me at least 2 years to start to recover from the trauma I went through. Be kind to yourself. You will get there.