Trust - self sabotaging or legit reasons?

[StupidCupidd]

Hello

I have been with my BF for over 1 year.

I have a strong niggly feeling that I shouldnt trust him, that he is untrustworthy and will really hurt me. He is always happy talking / answering questions / showing me things if it'll put my mind at ease but he also says it is my problem and he hasnt done anything wrong. He tells me I need to be vulnerable and that he wants all trust issues to be gone before we do anything big togther - i.e move in. I have spoken to him about these issues and he is getting fed up; his mood ranges from gettting really annoyed to getting upset because I dont trust him. Can I please share the things in the past that have stuck with me? Please, no hate, I know these reasons may seem silly but I am an overthinker and a very black and white person, so the fact it doesnt make sense to me, makes it diffciult for me to understand and move on. For context, I am mid 30s and he is mid 40s. We dont have any children.

1. I've told him for months and months that I dont trust him 100%. In August, he went to Portugal with his friend as his friends mum lives there. He goes over with his friend every couple of years. I gave him a hard time before he went over, said I didnt trust him. He spent alot of his days texting me (he intiating these texts) asking about my day, and telling me about his. Each night he was out, it was very late - him and his friend staying out til 4am each night just drinking. We starting having words, I think I started saying I didnt trust him, and then I went to sleep as his messages stopped delivering, it was pretty late and he had spent the entire day texting me. The next morning, at around 430am, I got a text from him saying that it hurts i dont trust him and he has just pushed a portguese girls advances away because he loves me. He then sent me a picture of his bedroom, as I had asked what a picture was that he sent me earlier that day. The next morning, he said it wasnt an advance, two girls came up to him and his friend and they got talking for a few minutes, the girls invited them back to (And this is what he cant remembr) their house or a club, his spansih isnt the best and he said he didnt really understand. He said that he showed them his phone which has a picture of me and said he wasnt single and he then said to his friend that he wasnt interested. And then at the moment, his phone died. He said after a few mins, they were off speaking to other people. That was it. WHY did he say "advances", why did he "show her a picture of me", why did his phone die right at that moment? Why did he tell his friend "he isnt interested"?

2. before we became official. we were texting back and fourth one day in work, he asked if he could call me as he HAD to tell me something and felt bad. On the phone he said that a girl he had first messaged online (online dating, thats how we met) had whatsapped him. He said he was new to online dating and didnt want to spend weeks chatting to people on the website so left his number with her and then he didnt hear anything. Months went by and she messaged him randomly. He said he texted her back a few times that day. It was just conversation, nothing flirty, then he told her the next day he was seeing someone (me) and he didnt want her to think there was going to be anything more. She went on her way, the next time I saw him, he showed me the messages, and they were just normal, chit chat, nothing flirty. They did go on for the whole day but he did close it down the next day. But, why tell me at all? Why even entertain the chat, even if it was just chit chat?

3. He went down south for a nightout for christmas (his friends live down south, he lives in scotland). He did spend all his day texting me, to the point at midnight, when he was replying back, he was telling me what percentage he had on his phone so I knew it had died and that he didnt switch it off. I then had a text from him the next morning at 3:08am. A few weeks later, he was telling me about the night out, I asked what club he ended up in, he said he couldnt remember, so texted his friend and asked. I asked if he stayed to closing, he said yes, I asked how he managed to get back to hotel, charge his phone and reply back all within 8 minutes (club closes at 3). He said the hotel was 2 minutes away. I told him it was still impossible. He then got google maps up and show me that his hotel was indeed a 2 min car ride from club. He said there was a taxi stand outside and he got in a taxi straight away. I said that is still unrealstic that he got to his room, charged his phone and texted me back all within that time. He then looked through google maps (as this shows when he was last connected to data / wifi on each day and it showed that on that day, he was connect at 245am. He said he must have left club a little early and went back to hotel. He was baffled by all the questions, said he doesnt understand why I am asking so much, I said I think he went somewhere else (ie. someone elses hotel room) - he got upset and said that all my accusations are not warranted. He then added, that had he went back to someones hotel, he would probably not bother charge his phone and text me back! I got angry at this but he said he was just showing me how ridicuols my accusation are.

Be honest. Am I overthinking. Do you think he cheated on any of these days... particulary with point no.1?

Thanks

Yes you're being unreasonable. He is having a normal social life and still taking time out to message you when he is out with his mates. Instead of appreciating this you're questioning him to an unreasonable level, expecting a million texts, expecting his phone not to die, questioning him in minute detail about timings, maps, sequences of events etc. You are interrogating him until he trips up and then using this as 'evidence' he has done something wrong.

This is not normal or healthy OP. When me or my husband go out there might be one text. That's it.

You really need to try and work on this otherwise he will end the relationship because of this. If this was the other way around (if you posted from his point of view and reversed the sexes) posters would respond that he was jealous and controlling and that the OP should leave

Thank you for your response.
What about the portugese girls, do you think that was innocent or more to it? When I think about trust, that time always springs to mind and I always fear that he cheated that night.

It was innocent.

This guy doesn't seem to have done anything wrong. I'd look into some professional help for your trust issues.

I said I think he went somewhere else (ie. someone elses hotel room) - he got upset and said that all my accusations are not warranted.

Poor bloke.
He misremembered the exact minute he left the club, & you leap to the 'conclusion' that between 2:45am & 3:08am he went back to woman's room, had sex with her, then returned to his room to text you.
23 minutes to pull that off is fast work.

He spends most of his time away from you texting reassurances.
It shouldn't be this hard.
Your insecurity is your own issue to fix, it is totally unfair to keep projecting it onto him like this. Yes, you are sabotaging, & you are going to push away a man who sounds like he is bending over backwards to help you trust him.

You are not in the right place to sustain a relationship, & need to work on your issues with an experienced therapist who can help you understand why you need to act so possessively & destructively.

I am very black and white so I am not disagreeing with you I jsut need to understand - is it not a bit strange his phone died at the exact moment the portugese girls spoke to him? Why did he use the word "advances" - was the conversation really minutes? Why the need to show them my photo? Why say to his friend he wasnt interested? What was actually discussed to warrange those comments? Why would two random girls ask them to go to their houe or a club??

You can't behave this way OP, poor bloke has done nothing wrong. Please get some help for your issues.

Honestly you sound really hard work. I think you possibly should get some support or do some self development for your confidence before moving fwds with this relationship. It won't end well if you can't trust.

walk away, let the guy find someone who wont pretty much stalk him

He also said him and his ex dated for a few months before leaving things because neither were in the right place for anything to happen. He said he took a year and ahalf out to work on himself. He said he didnt have dates or relationships with anyone else. Yet, when I asked him more about this he randomly tells me she was on dating sites during that time. When I asked why he told me that he didnt say anything. They then hooked up in 2015 for 6 years. There is lots of picture of her around his area back then - pub pictures, scenic views of where he now lives. He swears down that he wasnt there and she must have been with / dating someone else. Why all the lies? and why tell me about "she was on dating sites" why would I care?

He posted a picture of them in 2015 saying "two year anniversairy" - he said that he was tipsy and it was two years of knowing each other thats all. But if two years is corerct, he was cheating on his wife. He gets annoyed with htis and declares that never happened!

But does anything of it - particulary option 1, sound suspicious - be completely honest. Its saying the word "advances" - it sounds like more happened that night.

Im just trying to undertand why he said that word.

You don't trust him because you are choosing not too, that is on you

You will find something in everything he does (or doesn't)

I can't imagine not trusting someone and it working out to be honest

If it was reversed I would not put up with someone not trusting me

He may cheat or do something wrong but not trusting is not going to stop that

No. None of it.

The only thing that is suspicious is you tracking his timings and movements.

You are being very unreasonable. It isn't your fault completely as obviously this seems out of your control with your trust issues and something you need to work on.
He will likely start lying to you about things, especially things that happened years ago, just to stop you flipping out at him. You are essentially pushing him to lie to make his life easier (something I wouldn't usually condone but in this case it seems even telling the truth he can't win).
To be harsh but I think you need it: he will leave you if you keep on being like this. You need therapy and to work on this immediately.
From experience this relationship will probably end, and when it does please work hard on these issues before meeting anyone else.

Honestly he needs to run a mile. Let him have a night out with his friends in peace. You are being very controlling. It's not healthy for either of you

Wow. YABVU. I'm amazed he's still with you to be honest. I wouldn't be. You need to work on this yourself - maybe get some therapy etc as this isn't normal at all. It must also be horrible hearing you tell him all the time you don't trust him! I'd be so insulted if I was him.... honestly, you need to relax or the kindest thing would be to let him go on his own way.

OP, I honestly think you need some help with your trust issues. You’re just swirling over nothing at all. I’m surprised your BF is even tolerating this. Get help.

Wow, this is nuts.

Sorry OP but you are going over every word he says with a microscope.
He was away on holiday with a friend, and out drinking. He clearly has told a portugese girl that he is not available. That is a GOOD thing! It doesn't really matter what word he uses or the circumstances, he said no! That is all that matters. So what if she did 'make advances' he rejected them. That's the point.
Instead you are making it worse for him than if he had slept with her.

Honestly? You are destroying this relationship and he is wise to say no further until you have got some help.
The idea that he is away and having to text you all day long. That is controlling and suffocating from you. Give him some space. Let him have a day with his mates without micromanaging.

And all the stuff about his ex and his wife. That is actually none of your business!

I was love bombed a few years back and it has really left a sting. It has made me question what people say. Not that I am trying to excuse my behvaiour. I am terrified of being hurt by this person because I really do love him. I thought I loved the other person but he turned out not to be legit and told some really outrageous lies. Think along the lines of - pretending to be on the motorway and threatening to jump from a bridge to end his life - when all in the while, he was sitting at home making up stories to worry me endlessly.

My now bf has done things in the past which I dont like but I am in no means a saint. and in the past, I mean way before me, like 20 years ago.

He says he has never felt like this about anyone and that he has never had an urge to settle down or to spend forever with someone, he has just "settled" and "bumbled" along in previous relationships. He said if he wasnt mad about me or felt the way he does he would have ended things a long time ago because I have not given him an easy life. That hurt when he said that.

This is not healthy of you or fair on him. Your jealousy is out of control & if you were male you’d be seen as controlling & potentially coercive. Getting him to justify how long it would take to get a cab to his hotel & him having to prove it with Google maps is ridiculous. Do you do the same & volunteer a daily schedule of your movements with proof to him? No. Because he’s not obsessively jealous. He’s telling you the truth about normal encounters with other women so you don’t find out later & accuse him of being dishonest/cheating.

I listened to a program about a woman in a coercively controlling relationship she did not know was because she’d been groomed to allay her ex’s jealousy of her by taking selfies of what she was doing as proof of where she was & what she as doing - even things like doing the laundry when she said she was in case he didn’t believe her.

You need to address your jealousy. I don’t blame him for feeling hurt that you don’t trust him because he’s not doing anything wrong. You will push him aww & the relationship will end so hr may as well be being unfaithful anyway.

Get help yabu.

Iknow. he often tells me its none of my business, that it has no bearing on us etc.

He has deleted all mentions of any of his ex on social media, blocked her etc. Has often asked if I want his phone password so I can look through his stuff (I have declined this). He has give me a key to his home and whenever he pops out he sends me his location - I never ask for this but he said he wants to do everything he can to show and prove that he is trustworthy and does what he said he will.

OP you sound like you've been very hurt in the past. I mean this kindly please try and get some counselling. It's honestly no way to live, for you or indeed for your partner.

Yes but did his phone actually die or did he switch it off because this girl was chatting with him.

He showed a picture of me and then his phone died - that is such a coinsidence - is it not? :(

This makes me really sad for the guy.

I feel sad for him too and then I start thinking of stupid details :(

I am very black and white and some stuff doesnt add up