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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be wobbling about this?

13 replies

Starfishing7 · 18/04/2023 10:22

My daughter has just turned 3 and started ‘pre-nursery’ at a primary school yesterday. I am probably being ridiculous as she is my PFB, so let me describe it for you and see what you think.

When I took her in yesterday it was obviously our first time so we didn’t know the ropes. We had her drink and snack box in her bag, but I could see that the teacher at the door was putting coats and bags on named pegs, and then snacks and drinks into two trays on the floor. I tried to help by taking my daughter’s snack and drink out of her bag and putting them into the trays, but the teacher took them out my hands and said abruptly that she would do that as parents aren’t allowed in. I was just able to give my little girl a quick kiss and she was whisked away by what I think was a teaching assistant. Ok fine, lots of children to get in.

It was only a half day for the first day so at lunchtime I went to pick her up. We knew from a visit we went on that a decision would be made on day 1 about whether they could go full-time from day 2, so I was hoping there would maybe be a bit of feedback along with delivering this decision. But all that happened was my daughter was sent out of the door, the same teacher as in the morning said ‘there’s yours’ to me (didn’t use her name), another little girl ran out to her parents, the teacher said ‘yes they can both go full-time tomorrow’, and that was it. There were only 3 sets of parents there at the time and we were a bit early, so it wasn’t like they were inundated. First day at school, proper school uniform, homework every 1-2 weeks, starting phonics etc., loads of build-up - and that was that. When I looked in her bag to see if her drink and snack box were in there, I found they had put another child’s things in her bag, so we had to swap with the other parent who luckily was someone we knew. Mistakes happen when you’re looking after loads of little kids, ok not a problem.

Yesterday afternoon and this morning my daughter kept saying consistently that she didn’t want to go back to school as she doesn’t like it. Bear in mind that she was at a nursery 2 and then 5 mornings a week for the past year (also state provided) and hardly ever said she didn’t want to go. I thought well it’s new and different, she needs time to settle in. But then when she was going in this morning she said to the same teacher, ‘you’re not going to shout at anyone today are you?’, to which the teacher replied ‘I don’t shout’. The TA took my daughter in with her friend, and again that was that.

AIBU to be feeling a bit crap about this? Or do I just need to understand that school is not going to be all smiles and personalised feedback? Is it just to do with the chronic staffing issues and all of that and wouldn’t be any better anywhere? I can’t help worrying that I’ve chosen the wrong school, or that she’s just too young. Tbh I was surprised that where we live children go full-time so young, but it seems to be the done thing? Is it the same elsewhere? I just want her to feel loved and cared for, and it’s all been so perfunctory so far that I’m finding it hard to see it as a caring, nurturing environment.

I should say that until yesterday I was quite happy, as almost immediately after we had the place offered we had a phone call (from a different teacher) welcoming us and saying we would receive an information pack. We then received the information pack promptly and were invited for a visit which seemed to go quite well. But now it’s like the tone has changed somehow. Argh help.

OP posts:
RedEyeBaby · 18/04/2023 10:26

Give it a week, see how you feel then. I would feel the same though.
Just turned 3 seems young for phonics but that's not your point :-)

LittleMG · 18/04/2023 10:28

Yeah I think too young.

Annoyingwurringnoise · 18/04/2023 10:29

Give it some time. Silly to throw in the towel after half a day.

Sunshineclouds11 · 18/04/2023 10:32

I think when your used to feedback and a chat with nurseries to then not getting it from schools it seems like your lost abit.
But seems to be the norm tbh, do they use a tapestry app etc at school nurseries?

I would feel the same I think but I would give it abit longer.

Laiste · 18/04/2023 10:41

Tbh I was surprised that where we live children go full-time so young, but it seems to be the done thing? Is it the same elsewhere?

They don't have to go full time until they are 5. Our school expected them to be full time at reception (4) straight away if they had been to full time nursery. Those who had not been to nursery (mine!) didn't have to go full time until they were ready.

Full time was compulsory for yr 1 obvs.

ichundich · 18/04/2023 10:45

Starfishing7 · 18/04/2023 10:22

My daughter has just turned 3 and started ‘pre-nursery’ at a primary school yesterday. I am probably being ridiculous as she is my PFB, so let me describe it for you and see what you think.

When I took her in yesterday it was obviously our first time so we didn’t know the ropes. We had her drink and snack box in her bag, but I could see that the teacher at the door was putting coats and bags on named pegs, and then snacks and drinks into two trays on the floor. I tried to help by taking my daughter’s snack and drink out of her bag and putting them into the trays, but the teacher took them out my hands and said abruptly that she would do that as parents aren’t allowed in. I was just able to give my little girl a quick kiss and she was whisked away by what I think was a teaching assistant. Ok fine, lots of children to get in.

It was only a half day for the first day so at lunchtime I went to pick her up. We knew from a visit we went on that a decision would be made on day 1 about whether they could go full-time from day 2, so I was hoping there would maybe be a bit of feedback along with delivering this decision. But all that happened was my daughter was sent out of the door, the same teacher as in the morning said ‘there’s yours’ to me (didn’t use her name), another little girl ran out to her parents, the teacher said ‘yes they can both go full-time tomorrow’, and that was it. There were only 3 sets of parents there at the time and we were a bit early, so it wasn’t like they were inundated. First day at school, proper school uniform, homework every 1-2 weeks, starting phonics etc., loads of build-up - and that was that. When I looked in her bag to see if her drink and snack box were in there, I found they had put another child’s things in her bag, so we had to swap with the other parent who luckily was someone we knew. Mistakes happen when you’re looking after loads of little kids, ok not a problem.

Yesterday afternoon and this morning my daughter kept saying consistently that she didn’t want to go back to school as she doesn’t like it. Bear in mind that she was at a nursery 2 and then 5 mornings a week for the past year (also state provided) and hardly ever said she didn’t want to go. I thought well it’s new and different, she needs time to settle in. But then when she was going in this morning she said to the same teacher, ‘you’re not going to shout at anyone today are you?’, to which the teacher replied ‘I don’t shout’. The TA took my daughter in with her friend, and again that was that.

AIBU to be feeling a bit crap about this? Or do I just need to understand that school is not going to be all smiles and personalised feedback? Is it just to do with the chronic staffing issues and all of that and wouldn’t be any better anywhere? I can’t help worrying that I’ve chosen the wrong school, or that she’s just too young. Tbh I was surprised that where we live children go full-time so young, but it seems to be the done thing? Is it the same elsewhere? I just want her to feel loved and cared for, and it’s all been so perfunctory so far that I’m finding it hard to see it as a caring, nurturing environment.

I should say that until yesterday I was quite happy, as almost immediately after we had the place offered we had a phone call (from a different teacher) welcoming us and saying we would receive an information pack. We then received the information pack promptly and were invited for a visit which seemed to go quite well. But now it’s like the tone has changed somehow. Argh help.

I don't think you are being OTT about your PFB. What does the Ofsted report say, and do you know other parents whose children have gone through the pre-school already? Instead of withdrawing her immediately, perhaps you could offer to volunteer for a couple of hours per week to get a better insight of the school.

Original poster
Starfishing7 · 18/04/2023 13:46

@ichundich ”I don't think you are being OTT about your PFB. What does the Ofsted report say, and do you know other parents whose children have gone through the pre-school already? Instead of withdrawing her immediately, perhaps you could offer to volunteer for a couple of hours per week to get a better insight of the school.”

The inspection report is mediocre but also quite old, and all the schools round here seem similar on that front tbh. We haven’t lived here long and don’t know many people so we struggled to get a feel for which were the ‘best’ schools by word of mouth. We just knew that some of the children from her previous nursery would be going to this one, and their parents said they had heard it was decent. It has been surprisingly hard to choose a school not having a network of people with local knowledge! I would love to volunteer there actually, good idea!

OP posts:
Original poster
Starfishing7 · 18/04/2023 13:55

@LittleMG and @Laiste hmm yeah I am starting to think more and more that she is too young. What do people usually do with 3 year olds, just have them at home and take them to toddler groups or something? Or pay for them to go to a day nursery part-time or full-time depending on whether they are at work? I’m on maternity leave at the moment with my second so I do have the option to keep her at home, but I worry she’d miss out on the educational and social stuff. The HV and previous nursery think she’s bright (so do I but I am obviously biased!), so I want her to be stimulated, plus she loves being with other children. The previous provision we were entitled to (2.5 hours a day Monday-Friday) finishes the term they turn 3 so that’s not an option now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Starfishing7 · 18/04/2023 13:57

@Sunshineclouds11 and @RedEyeBaby thank you for saying you might feel the same, that’s reassuring! I will be picking her up soon, hopefully there’ll be something positive to cling to!

OP posts:
Hugasauras · 18/04/2023 14:05

All seems a bit formal for a 3yo IMO. Our DD1 has just been in private day nursery since about 18 months but since 3 she's been 3 days a week using the free hours and a bit extra we pay for, two days at home with me. She'll stay there till she goes to school. She's 4 but we are in Scotland and she's Feb born so we are deferring her till next year school entry. We certainly don't get homework! That seems a bit bonkers for a 3yo!

saltwater1985 · 18/04/2023 14:11

That all feels a bit sad 😞 mine went to a part time pay group nursery at 3 like half a day maybe 3 times a week. And it was definitely more kind and nurturing!
My kids are at primary and in Y 2 and Y4 now and there's more feedback and smiles than you seem to have! This is in a big state primary.

She is your baby and she needs to feel cherished, there's time for resilience later in life

Comefromaway · 18/04/2023 14:11

Where I live children go full time the September after they turn 3. But it all sounds a bit rubbish to be honest.

Laiste · 18/04/2023 15:43

What do people usually do with 3 year olds, just have them at home and take them to toddler groups or something?

Well there's local groups, or soft play (never the nightmare portrayed on MN in my experience)(coffee and cake alone or with a friend while they bugger about with other kids) or baby swim classes or just the good old fashioned playground?

I've got 4 DCs and none of them went to nursery before reception (at 4) and they're all perfectly fine. It's such a short time they're that little. They've got at least 12 years of full time school ahead of them - let them be babies while they can be.

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