Share one DD aged 8 Y4 with ExH. My only child.
ExH has another child with another woman but is also not with the mother of that child.
ExH sees DD every other weekend for 1 night or once a month for 2 nights (depends on his shifts and the other child, he never has the two DC at the same time as he “can’t cope”)
He never has DD in the week, never in the school holidays, never outside of his contact time and never has any contact between times with either DD or I unless we message him a photo – if DD calls he never answers. DD doesn’t have her own phone, but does have a tablet with access to video calling that ExH has as well (He even has a choice of Teams/Skype, Zoom or Facetime)
So all childcare falls to me. DD has SN and a medical issue so mornings can be chaotic due to pain and waking up and just DD trying to do everything. I also work.
When I started working DD started breakfast club at their school 2 mornings a week. This changed our mornings, I stopped feeding DD on those mornings and she ate when she got to school, she stopped refusing to go to school because all she has to now focus on is getting ready and walking to school, she doesn’t have to think about eating or the time because if we’re 5 minutes late for breakfast club it’s not the end of the world. So I put her in every morning and my life has changed, everyone is calmer in the mornings not just on work days but everyday – I also actually get to work earlier as I can get an earlier train which means and earlier finish so I can pick DD up everyday.
She also does 2 clubs and swimming lessons after school 3 nights, these not only keep her moving with her medical issue and help her learn to co-ordinate her body and limbs together but she loves them.
According to ExH though I am the cruelest mother he’s ever met. His other DC doesn’t go to activities or do breakfast club and it’s because their mum can cope and I obviously can’t. I’m also apparently using the child maintenance for things he doesn’t agree with. And that if it doesn’t stop he’s going to not pay me anything and take me to court for full residency to show how it’s really done. He tells DD I’m a bad mother as well, that their siblings mum is a much better mother because their sibling isn’t doing these things.
Yep I’m clearly a cruel mother, I have a happy, polite well liked DD, whose school worked with me to get her the breakfast club place, they actually insisted that if it was easier for me in the mornings then there was nothing wrong with using breakfast club, I said I’d be taking a place away from someone who needed it but they insisted they save some places for situations like ours where SN dictates it’s easier on everyone – I also checked with sendiass and they said in some cases wraparound can be deemed a reasonable adjustment so to take it. But I clearly use it just because I can’t cope with her in the mornings.
And the professionals involved with DD including a paediatrician and her school have said they can see the difference in DDs speech, confidence and general wellbeing from being in her clubs has had. But I obviously use them for childcare because I can’t cope.
I’m clearly such an awful mother, I never put my DD first and don’t spend out hundreds each month from my wages to give DD these things – Ex pays £25 a month maintenance so I’m clearly rolling in it and using his money inappropriately – breakfast club only costs me £45 a month, her other activities cost me just shy of £100 a month so the £25 a month makes a huge difference.
AIBU? (I know I’m not this is completely lighthearted)