Am I too sensitive to feel hurt by friend?

[MoltenHoney]

First time poster. I just want a second opinion from strangers as we have quite a few mutual friends I wouldn’t feel comfortable to discuss with.

I met with a male friend a few nights ago. We have known each other for a long time. We live in different cities so hadn’t seen each other since Christmas. When we saw each other at Christmas, he gave me a thoughtful gift and I treated him to dinner. So he can generally be quite thoughtful.

It had been both of our birthdays earlier this year and we hadn’t seen each other since. I put quite a bit of effort into his gift and spent more than I normally would as it was a big birthday. He was really happy with his gift. I just knew it would be something he’d love.

So, we went to a cafe and I got a cake and tea and he just got a coffee. I offered to get it all but he said it was okay and to keep it separate. Fair enough! We then went for dinner. I was kind of thinking he might treat me to dinner, as it had been my birthday. He knew it had been my birthday. It wasn’t a special one but I did think it might be nice of him to return the favour. I would never do something kind just for the sake of getting something back, but I did think he might want to treat me in return, considering he knew it was my birthday and we have a friendship of many, many years.

Well, we get to ordering and order a starter to share. He says, ‘that’s not too bad, it’s x amount each.’ Fair enough, we are paying our own way. However, mine came to quite a bit less. I had cash which came to the balance of mine or just a bit over. I asked if he could pay the rest by card and I could square him up for my half of tip. He included a very small tip, probably under £2 if I remember correctly. He said that it was okay and I could buy him a drink at a bar before I headed home. I was a bit put out by this as I’d technically only owed him a £1 or less and that I had spent money on a lovely gift for him. When we got to the bar, he said something along the lines of ‘this one’s on you as I paid more of the bill.’ Too right, he ate more!

I ordered a soda lime and his alcoholic drink. I’m not a big drinker so I’ll opt out of rounds if that’s on the go. If friends are buying a round and I’m getting a soda lime, they’ll usually offer to pay for that as it’s always very cheap/free. However, I will always offer to pay my own way. I don’t think I owed my friend anything in this instance and I’m annoyed I’m not assertive enough to point this out. I would have been happy to treat him to a final birthday drink before I headed home, as it was a special birthday. However, it was the assumption that I owed him when , in my mind, I felt short-changed.

For me, this put a downer on things and I just wanted to head home. I bought the drinks but the more I think about it, I feel hurt by tonight.

I’m on a low income based on working PT to manage my mental health and as a lifestyle choice. I’m not in receipt of any benefits. - I just have to be really careful. I don’t have coffees, I walk everywhere I can. etc, so that I can afford the bigger things like birthdays, meals with friends. I will always pay my way. My friend has a lot more disposable income than me but I would never expect him to cover for me.

I’m hurt by how he acted tonight. Am I being overly sensitive?

I'm so sorry OP but he sounds mean and awful.

To me, it sounds like your friend may be having money issues. You say he has more disposable income but might it be a possibility that his situation has changed? I know things are very different this year than they have been previously for a lot of people?
The fact that you weren't able to just say 'oh, you ate more and I've covered your food, think the drinks are on you' signals to me that maybe you aren't as close you think and he wouldn't be sharing his financial situation with you?

I'm not a fan of people who say 'I don't give to receive' then go on for paragraphs about how they spent X amount on someone amd I didn't get the same courtesy back.

You obviously don't know him well enough to be able to tell him you're not paying for all his food and drink at restaurant and drinks afterwards, so I imagine you're not close enough for him to tell you his exact financial situation. Unless you exchange bank statements every month then I'm not sure how you know what his disposable income is or how it might have changed in the 4 months since you seen him last.
If you're not happy to spend money on somebody's birthday unless you're going to get exact same back on your own, then don't bother. If you're not giving gifts for the pure pleasure of seeing someone smile, just give them a card.
And if this is an ongoing problem where he never pays his way, stop going out with him. If it's a one-off, try be a bit more considerate as to why this happened

Here is an alternative view - the tightest people I know are those with the most money. That’s probably why they have lots of money! Tight to the point of embarrassment.They know the cost of everything and the value of nothing

Perhaps it’s time to re evaluate why you buy presents etc If it’s truly not to receive something then fine but clearly there is an imbalance here

what will you do next time you go out for a meal or a drink?
what will you do next birthday?

It wasn’t your birthday so I think you’re expecting a bit much for him to pay for your dinner as a birthday treat just because you’d had a birthday some weeks (months?) ago. On this occasion you just met as friends for dinner, not for a birthday celebration.

I don’t, with friends of many years, tally up who paid a pound or two more than they ate at dinner or who ordered which drink and whose was more expensive because it all generally comes out in the wash over time - which, as you say he’s previously been generous and thoughtful, it presumably does in your friendship?

All in all, none of this would have been registered with me as something to feel hurt over. But you clearly are, so perhaps it’s something far bigger than feeling shortchanged over a few pounds on a single occasion?

Gift giving and buying people meals etc. can feel a bit passive aggressive or manipulative. I used to have a friend who moaned every single year that she and her DH didn’t get Christmas gifts from her BIL and SIL. She would up the ante every year buy buying them evermore extravagant gifts to just sort of shame them or feel like a martyr. One year I just said I thought she should stop because they obviously don’t want to or can’t reciprocate and she obviously did give to receive. I think she was too stupid to understand.

Let this year be a lesson OP and cross him off your gift list.

I think it was mostly your expectation of being treated that set you up for disappointment. If this is new behaviour then I would probably err on the side of compassion and think perhaps his circumstances have changed recently and he has to be a bit more careful with his money.

Here's my take...he doesn't total things to the nearest penny so was loosely rounding things up. Last Xmas he bought you a gift then you paid for dinner. I'd be very surprised if they were both exactly the same. Let's say there was a fiver in it.
Now you meet up again. You offer to get the coffee and cakes but he says no OP, here's a few quid for my drink. You spend some time together then get something to eat. Let's say bill comes to £27.70 which he rounds up to £30. Your comes to £11. 70, his was £16. You give him a tenner then rummage for some change. In his head he's halfed the bill to £15, so says Don't faff about with change OP. You can buy me a pint/short (less than a fiver).
I don't think he was trying to diddle you. Maybe he had no idea you were broke, I mean you met for coffee and cake then went for something to eat.

I'm unsure about the birthday presents though. Was it a special birthday when he got you a gift? Maybe he was a bit taken aback at the gift you got him this year. Sometimes splitting bills is a way of emphasising 'were just friends'. It's a shame he didn't get you a card or anything but maybe if your special birthday is next year you'll get a surprise.

Are you close enough to discuss this? I don't actually think he's given it a second thought.

I'm reading this post and pretending it's 2 friends of the same sex. It reads very differently to me if say 2 women. Why would you expect your female friend that you've met for dinner pay for it for you just because you had a birthday earlier in the year? It's a really big expectation/assumption!

And for me, the whole splitting the bill to exactly the amount each other spent I just couldn't be bothered with, I'd just go 50/50 without a second thought unless the friend was ordering lobster, caviar and bottles of wine compared to my lasagne and lemonade.

He sounds mean to me.

I hate meanness and find myself overcompensating for it.

Maybe just start paying your 50% at each point and, if he says 'you buy the drinks if you only owe a pound' take a leaf out of his book and say no.

Stop with the expensive presents.

I do think He is really tight tbh and tight people can seem very mean even though they prob don't mean it. I wouldn't want to go out with him again tbh

Thanks for the replies everyone. Our birthdays were both in the same month earlier this year, quite a while ago. It’s not like it it has just been his birthday. It was a big one so I wanted to treat him. Maybe it was wrong of me to expect anything in return but we are very close friends of 10 years+. We didn’t meet specifically for his birthday, but just to see each other.

He had a drink with dinner and I didn’t so I feel it was wrong of him to feel I owed him. Regardless of our individual finances.

Regarding finances, as people have asked, he lives with his parents and works FT.

In regards to not being as close anymore, as someone suggested…We are definitely close. We talk often and meet up one to one. He sent me a lovely and thoughtful gift for a special birthday I had during lockdown. I have drifted apart from other mutual friends but keep in touch with him.

We are due to meet up again quite soon for an event. He bought me tickets for us for Christmas!

It’s really interesting to hear different opinions. Thank you!