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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Manipulation?

27 replies

yogaoga · 17/04/2023 21:41

I have a family member who maintains that she doesn’t like texting me because I misinterpret her tone and take things too sensitively, thinking she has been funny with me when she swears she hasn’t and has claimed this to be exhausting. She recently sent me a large text and then informed me she had been generous doing this and had gone against her own boundaries to benefit me. I didn’t ask her to do it and it wasn’t a very nice message. She added at the end that she would love nothing more for me to just ring her or catch up in person

Three days later I call her to see how she is doing. She had a baby over four months ago. Asked about her first, then the baby, then her plans for the week. I asked her if she’d like to meet up and she replied quite coldly that all our interactions are on ‘my terms’ (this is confusing to me, I rang her because I thought that was her preference) so she would have to think really carefully about if she is prepared to meet me and needs to feel respected by me enough to do it. How can she be sure I respect her?
I replied, no worries, let me know etc. She then added out the blue, ‘I won’t be bringing baby as I’m going to have to tread very carefully with reintroducing them to you’.
I wasn’t expecting to see the baby, so I just said, that’s fine! But it’s left me feeling weird.

There is no reasoning and I cannot understand, I ask her nicely to explain a bit more about how she feels and she accuses me of looking for trouble. There’s no back story to this which is all the more baffling. Been told on another thread that it seems some traits are manipulative, is this what this is too? I’m starting to wonder if the reason she prefers phone calls is because nobody else can hear what she’s saying?

OP posts:
PiffleIsTakingThePiss · 17/04/2023 21:45

There's a lot of detail here but no actual detail.

Who is she to you? What is the age difference? Why do you want to stay in touch with her? What does she mean 'reintroducing' the baby to you? Have you met it before?

Impossible that there's no backstory here.

Original poster
yogaoga · 17/04/2023 21:46

PiffleIsTakingThePiss · 17/04/2023 21:45

There's a lot of detail here but no actual detail.

Who is she to you? What is the age difference? Why do you want to stay in touch with her? What does she mean 'reintroducing' the baby to you? Have you met it before?

Impossible that there's no backstory here.

Sorry for drip feed. Sibling, met baby twice but not seen them for a month or so. Easier for my parents if we all get on

OP posts:
Dontbelieveaword · 17/04/2023 21:47

I'd leave this one well alone. Why would you want to be friends with someone who has to seriously think about whether they want to spend time with you?

Honestly, I do think a lot of people who are sensitive over texts. If you don't put laughing emojis, a million hearts, a hundred exclamation marks snd a billion kisses, then some people will just automatically take offence. It is exhausting, tbf. Not saying this is you, but people like this do exist. I try avoid them

So, when you say 'been told on another thread', have you posted about this before?

Original poster
yogaoga · 17/04/2023 21:49

Dontbelieveaword · 17/04/2023 21:47

I'd leave this one well alone. Why would you want to be friends with someone who has to seriously think about whether they want to spend time with you?

Honestly, I do think a lot of people who are sensitive over texts. If you don't put laughing emojis, a million hearts, a hundred exclamation marks snd a billion kisses, then some people will just automatically take offence. It is exhausting, tbf. Not saying this is you, but people like this do exist. I try avoid them

So, when you say 'been told on another thread', have you posted about this before?

Posted something similar, yes. Not about this interaction though.

OP posts:
JanglyBeads · 17/04/2023 21:51

Was she like this as a child?

Original poster
yogaoga · 17/04/2023 21:51

JanglyBeads · 17/04/2023 21:51

Was she like this as a child?

Yes, well, wanted to feel ‘needed’ by me I think

OP posts:
Original poster
yogaoga · 17/04/2023 21:52

I saw her as a peer but I think she saw me as an extension of her if that makes sense, looking back

OP posts:
Dontbelieveaword · 17/04/2023 21:56

OK, so friends is different to sisters. Of course it would be easier for your patents if you got along but if it's really that bad, then to be civil to each other in your parents presence is all you need to do. And it does sound like you hardly live in each others pockets, so I would just live your own life and let her get on with yours.

By the sound if it, this is one story in a long line and an ongoing saga you constantly feel like you need advice and opinions on, even though you initially said there's no back story so that's a bit confusing

mainsfed · 17/04/2023 21:59

YANBU, she sounds like a manipulative, drama llama twat.

Just reply back with a 👍next time.

Have you posted about her before? Some bits ring a bell. Sounds like she hasn’t improved.

Original poster
yogaoga · 17/04/2023 21:59

mainsfed · 17/04/2023 21:59

YANBU, she sounds like a manipulative, drama llama twat.

Just reply back with a 👍next time.

Have you posted about her before? Some bits ring a bell. Sounds like she hasn’t improved.

Yes couple of times

OP posts:
Original poster
yogaoga · 17/04/2023 22:00

And thank you @mainsfed

OP posts:
chipswitheveryting · 17/04/2023 22:06

So your sister has known you for eons so your relationship must have been hard for her over the years judging by what you have said. Whether you've meant it or not. I say this as I found out recently that my brother thinks I 'brag' too much, and have for years. I was of the opinion that within my family I could safely tell my good news and my family would share the positivity and be happy for me, apparently it's made my brother really unhappy over the years. His problem rather than mine but maybe something like that is happening for you.

I agree it's best to get along for family etc. please note, she might have post natal depression and be extra sensitive for that reason. If she is close to her wits end with 2 young kids, she may feel at the end of her rope, and something which might easily be accommodated usually becomes a big deal.

I recommend you respect all of her wishes, apologise for making her feel the way she does. Say all you want is a great relationship with your sister and nieces/ nephews and allow her to set the pace and boundaries.

Whatever has happened, now is not the time to be 'right', it's the time to give a mother who is close to breaking point all the love you can muster x

Tinkerbyebye · 17/04/2023 22:35

Just let her crack on. She can contact you first. If she does text just respond as blandly as you can

As to your parents I would just explain you have done what you can, she has kicked back so you are not taking the lead any more, not are you putting up with her crap

you are entitled to a life that is not dictated to be everyone trying to get on

Original poster
yogaoga · 18/04/2023 07:44

Tinkerbyebye · 17/04/2023 22:35

Just let her crack on. She can contact you first. If she does text just respond as blandly as you can

As to your parents I would just explain you have done what you can, she has kicked back so you are not taking the lead any more, not are you putting up with her crap

you are entitled to a life that is not dictated to be everyone trying to get on

Thank you x

OP posts:
Original poster
yogaoga · 18/04/2023 14:24

chipswitheveryting · 17/04/2023 22:06

So your sister has known you for eons so your relationship must have been hard for her over the years judging by what you have said. Whether you've meant it or not. I say this as I found out recently that my brother thinks I 'brag' too much, and have for years. I was of the opinion that within my family I could safely tell my good news and my family would share the positivity and be happy for me, apparently it's made my brother really unhappy over the years. His problem rather than mine but maybe something like that is happening for you.

I agree it's best to get along for family etc. please note, she might have post natal depression and be extra sensitive for that reason. If she is close to her wits end with 2 young kids, she may feel at the end of her rope, and something which might easily be accommodated usually becomes a big deal.

I recommend you respect all of her wishes, apologise for making her feel the way she does. Say all you want is a great relationship with your sister and nieces/ nephews and allow her to set the pace and boundaries.

Whatever has happened, now is not the time to be 'right', it's the time to give a mother who is close to breaking point all the love you can muster x

Thank you for your objective thoughts on the situation. It’s tough because I hate the thought of her struggling but it also feels like she’s playing mind games

OP posts:
Sylvaniandysfunctionalfamily · 18/04/2023 14:26

I'd be having nothing more to do with the mad bint

Original poster
yogaoga · 18/04/2023 14:41

Sylvaniandysfunctionalfamily · 18/04/2023 14:26

I'd be having nothing more to do with the mad bint

I just don’t want to turn my back on her if she is struggling with mental health to be honest. I know that’s crazy logic as she does have other people other than me

OP posts:
TheSnowyOwl · 18/04/2023 14:50

As this is a sibling, I’d leave her to make future contact and if she complains you don’t call her then explain it’s at her behest. Any face to face contact is a time to be politely friendly but leave it at that.

If there is genuinely no backstory and no previous history of this kind of behaviour, I’d consider PND as being a possible cause.

Original poster
yogaoga · 18/04/2023 14:58

TheSnowyOwl · 18/04/2023 14:50

As this is a sibling, I’d leave her to make future contact and if she complains you don’t call her then explain it’s at her behest. Any face to face contact is a time to be politely friendly but leave it at that.

If there is genuinely no backstory and no previous history of this kind of behaviour, I’d consider PND as being a possible cause.

It started about 3 years before she had her first baby

OP posts:
Original poster
yogaoga · 18/04/2023 16:12

Thank you everyone by the way

OP posts:
Original poster
yogaoga · 18/04/2023 19:59

I think the hard thing is I don’t want to turn my back on her fully despite the fact she’s not treated me nicely, just in case she is struggling. I know she doesn’t extend the same thought to me, clearly, but I couldn’t forgive myself if it turned out she is in an insecure place

OP posts:
IWasFunBeforeMum · 18/04/2023 20:01

Avoid! How dramatic is she 🤣

phoneissue · 18/04/2023 20:09

She sounds such hard work!!!!’ I’d be minimising contact. It’s all about her isn’t it? Kindly - consider finding other people to hang out with who are less awkward and demanding!

JudgeRudy · 18/04/2023 20:12

Sounds like you have different communication styles. She's reached out to you to say she doesn't want a permanent fall out however she anticipates you will both have to stick to a set of rules as you often misinterpret each other and the fall out is stressful.
I suspect she has some ideas of what she would like to include in these 'rules' and the meet up will be for you to consider her proposals and suggest some of your own. The hope is that you will come up with an agreement between you.
She's not bringing her baby because she thinks the meet up could be stressful. She wants to concentrate fully on this because she cares.
From what you've said, I don't see her as manipulate, but like you probably exhausted by miscommunication and unnecessary fall outs.

Original poster
yogaoga · 18/04/2023 20:30

@phoneissue @IWasFunBeforeMum thank you

OP posts: