Husband is driving me insane

[onmyknees23]

I'm venting here because I can't be arsed with another argument with him. We have a 1 year old dd and I have two primary school age dc from previous relationship. Dh has no dc other than dd.

Since dd came along our previously quiet and enjoyable life has been blown apart. She doesn't sleep. She has health issues that mean she has loads of appointments. I'm back at work now (I only work 7 hours less than dh's full time hours). And still I'm expected to do everything for dd. I don't want to say he's completely useless. He does things like get up with her at a weekend so I can have a lie in but on a day to day basis I am 100% the default parent and everything is on me - nappies, bedtimes, mealtimes, nursery runs.

We both work from home and at the moment (due to being let down by family with childcare) we have a ridiculous non arrangement of trying to work from home with dd here two days of the week. It is, as expected, a total fucking nightmare. We try to juggle between us but we row so much. We can't afford to put her in nursery plus there is no availability for her and have been given a firm no from my boss when I asked to reduce my hours. I feel like it's going to ruin our relationship but there's no obvious solution at the moment as we both need to work.

We have no time for anything enjoyable like holidays and days out. Dh leaves everything like that to me to sort out too. I love him but I am starting to have such resentment towards him for just leaving the lions share of the family stuff to me. It's as if he's so important ( yes he is the main earner by about three times more than me) that my menial job, mental health and life don't matter.

He does pull his weight around the house and I know things could be a lot lot worse but I am drowning trying to work and look after 3 kids. I keep telling myself it's not forever but even another 18 months of this feels impossible. I am seriously considering resigning from my job or going off sick because I'm so stressed with it all.

There are 2 of you, so you're not doing everything on your own. You said he pulls his weight around the house. This is his 1st child - but your 3rd. So you are the one to know how hard raising children can be at times. Sit down and talk, draw up a rota. If say different if he was idle but he doesn't sound it from what you've said

Don’t resign. Keep financial independence!
You need childcare. Have you had a UC check to if you are entitled to any help towards childcare?

You need childcare. That's a situation that will never end well. Or take a job elsewhere for less days to cover the childcare. What would you both being doing if your jobs were not wfh? Whatever that would be, that's what you need to do now!!

If you are pretty much full time then you must have a household income of between £60k-£70k

I’m not saying that’s a fortune but can you really not afford 2 additional nursery days on that?

Childcare is a shared cost

No way you jointly cannot afford the childcare.

He has to pay his way so get the nursery place sorted

Even if it means putting DC into a different nursery 2 days a week while you wait for the preferred nursery to become available

You absolutely must keep hold of your job, that's protecting your future income and progression

You need to look at what you both do. I do mealtimes, school runs, evenings out, homework etc etc, but my DH does all kinds round the house so we are 50/50 overall.

Also, if your boss said no to reducing days I don't imagine they would be happy in the slightest of they knew your DD was at home needing minding during work hours!

I really don't want this. It's taken her a long time to settle at nursery. As I said she has a lot of health conditions and trying to mitigate it between two nurseries would be awful and quite unsettling for her I think. I know I have to make some sacrifices if I want to keep my job but this really isn't something I want to do.

Had we not had wfh jobs I would have had to commit to more days at nursery initially. I'm not lying when I say we can't afford it though. We don't have a bad income between us but we have a lot of debt and the cost of living is crippling us. I know it's a totally ridiculous situation and it can't continue. I just don't know what the solution is and neither does dh. A family member was meant to be helping us but we've been let down.

I'm just knackered to be honest. Dh isn't a awful, lazy man and I know that deep down. But from day one everything to do with the baby has been on my shoulders. As pp said it's probably because I have the older two and have naturally taken the lead. But now I'm back to work too I simply cannot manage it all.

I think that the key thing here is finding the right job for your situation.

What do you do? Could you find a 3 day a week position?

I do feel for you , both parents working full time or nearly FT is hard work.

I don't know your situation but relying on family for child care I think can always be a risk. Better to be self sufficient if you can ( and not all can ) so being let down 2 days a week I can see is a problem , but dare I say was always a gamble. I do ( & I won't be popular here ) saying WFH full time does not often if at all give time to look after a 1 year old as well, you are meant to be working.

I think either you are going to have to get the money for childcare from somewhere or you are between you have to have a military style operation for nursery / school runs / lunch etc. . Maybe sit down with DH and explain all of this - if he is not a lazy man , it may be you can work it out between you, but that will depend on your jobs.

I know it's hard I I hope you come up with an answer. If the problem is debt - could you work out a plan where you can pay less over a longer time and use the money freed up to pay for 2 days childcare ? ( Thinking out loud)

I do wish you well though

If you were on your own, how would you cope? You'd go from having not enough help, to having no help at all. And you would have a lot less money. Talk about jumping from the fire into the frying pan!

Find childcare, even it's a few hours a day in the afternoons, eg a childminder.

Change jobs.

Is there anything older kids can do to help or are they too young?

Use after school club for the other kids, cheaper usually than other childcare costs. (This will give you more time to do things or time to self).

Discuss how you're feeling with DH, perhaps rethink responsibilities a bit.

I don't know how old your baby is but could the midwife/health visitor help?

Look at your own support needs. If you've just had a baby, are hormones an issue here too? Do you have anyone to talk to about your daughter's health needs? That can't be easy for you, emotionally and practically.

I'm sure you've thought of most if not all of the above but I wanted to help. Hope things are better for you.💐