Terrified I’ve given myself oral cancer

[Catladyhere]

I posted the other day about being referred to the hospital for a cut inside my lip that hasn’t been healing, and I had my appointment today and I’m just feeling really overwhelmed and crying without properly knowing why.

I was a smoker for a few years before the birth of my son in 2020. I gave up as soon as I found out I was pregnant and did not smoke at all during my pregnancy, but started again around 4 months postpartum due to quite serious PND. I don’t drink and it’s always been my vice.

I probably smoke around 10 a day and I have always hated myself for it and felt guilty because I know the dangers and I continued to do it.

Anyway fast forward to today, I saw a consultant at the maxillofacial unit who told me what’s on my lip is a fissure. I said ‘so it’s not cancer then?’ and he just said ‘I’m not saying that. I don’t look at it and become instantly worried though.’ He said next steps are to have the fissure removed and my lip stitched up, and then to test to see if it’s cancerous. before I left he told me to try not to worry.

I am so angry at myself and feel physically sick. If it’s cancer it’s my own fault and I have been so fucking stupid. I have a three year old who needs me, why the fuck have I done this?

They are booking me in to have it removed over the next couple of weeks but they said the whole process won’t take long as it’s been done as an urgent referral.

i know he said not to worry but it’s easier said than done, all I can think of is my little boy not having a mother because of her own selfish habit

I don’t expect sympathy because it’s my own fault but I am a mess and just needed to vent because it’s not something I want to share publicly with people I know and am finding it difficult to talk to my partner about it.

First of all bless you 🙏🏻 I have terrible health anxiety so I understand how you’re feeling. Obviously we all know smoking isn’t good for you, but firstly it doesn’t sound like you smoked for a long time Pre-baby and also not that long since. 10 a day also isn’t immediately concerning (before anyone attacks me, I reiterate we all know smoking isn’t good for you, just trying to out this in perspective). I smoked for 15 years 10-20 a day, I haven’t for a long time now (around 6 years) and I know all too well the hold it can have over you ❤️ I think they can’t say ‘it’s not cancer’ without doing a test to certify but that doesn’t mean it IS. It just means it would be irresponsible to tell you it isn’t something when there hasn’t been a test to say otherwise. Please try not to worry, I know all too well that is far easier said than done. Try to live in the moment and tell yourself there is no point worrying now over something you aren’t even sure of.

Nobody is perfect. Please be gentle on yourself. You’ve had a shock and you are panicking but the most likely scenario is that it isn’t cancer. Even if it was, the cells would be removed and the prognosis is often good. You did well to go and get it looked at.

We have ALL done things we regret. However, you can’t change this but you can make the best of this situation going forward. Hopefully, it’s just a scare. All the best op 💐

save this post and read it every time you want a fag!

Omg OP I'm so sorry you feel like this. There's every chance it's not cancer so please don't just assume that it is. But even if it IS cancer it absolutely doesn't mean that you deserve it because you smoked. We all do stupid stuff. ALL of us. You need to try and put the guilt out of your mind because it doesn't help you or your DC. But you need to stop smoking now. Even if it's nothing. Because now you've felt that fear and responsibility you never want to feel like that again.
I really hope it turns out to be nothing and you can just put the whole thing behind you.

Argh I'm sorry. Im an ex heavy smoker and dread this sort of day coming around.

I had a 2ww for a breast lump, and then a wait for biospy results. There is no point telling yourself not to worry, or chide yourself for stressing about it.

You will worry. You will google yourself to buggery. Try and schedule time to worry "I will think about that at 8pm as I have half an hour to spend stressing and googling." Then at 8.45 schedule yourself in q good distraction, whatever that is for you eg rerun of Friends or something comforting.

It sounds like he doesn't think it's cancer but can't 100% rule it out. Try not to panic.

I know a teetotal non smoker who had a cancerous tumour removed. She was told there is an association with hot tea drinking and it's an issue in Japan. Regardless, of course this isn't your fault, and that isn't a good way to think about things. My DH also went through a "this is my fault" phase when he had cancer, so i think it's normal in a way. However the real world is way way more complicated than that. We are all generally doing our best in a world of stress and inadequate healthcare, we've got the genes weve got, and bad things also happen at complete random.

He wouldn’t have gone out of his way to reassure you if he thought this was cancer. He would have been a lot more reserved and would have simply said “let’s just wait and see”. You were the one to bring up cancer and the only reason it came up in conversation was because you kind of put words in his mouth, which forced him to reserve the position, which any doctor would do for any condition. I have awful health anxiety and I know how utterly horrible it is when you just want to be through it, but honestly I really don’t think you have anything to worry about xx

This.
No point blaming yourself. It probably isn’t cancer anyway. But see it as an opportunity to quit smoking.

Not sure how to vote, but voted YANBU.

There's no point beating yourself up, you had PND, and you gave up whilst you were pregnant.

Have you given up now? That's the main thing.

I hope you are in the clear

He’s never going to say no it’s isn’t as he can’t be 100% certain until he has the biopsy back. Doctors work on facts not assumptions. They’re also not in the business of reassuring you for the sake of it. He is not concerned, he said as much, trust me, if he was concerned he would have told you

How does this help you or your son though? You are beating yourself up but there's no point, it's done now. (That said, if you are mid cancer scare and still smoking, carry on beating yourself up. Otherwise, give yourself a break)
It does sound like when I had a skin thing removed though, they can't tell you it is not something until they have tested it, and they don't test it until they have removed it, and until then, they aren't going to tell you it's nothing. But this experienced doctor is not worried, so try to be reassured.

imho, you're using this to beat yourself up because you find it comfortable, safe, habitual to harangue yourself. Like doing penance for your own failings.

It'll heal far better and quickly if you take this as an opportunity to stop smoking - if nothing else, the action of taking drags and the smoke itself will sting like hell and contribute to the fissure.

Nicotine patches have some of the best success rates for smoking cessation, as they take the physical craving away when you're feeling the most vulnerable - the behavioural side is what you'll need to work on; that's the 'and twenty Marlboro' in the shops, the wanting to do something with your hands, the desire to go and sit outside with a coffee and a cigarette when you need time out.

Whilst vaping is also very helpful to people giving up cigarettes, especially if they're prone to cravings for sweet things, they would irritate the area in a very similar way to cigarettes, which is why I think the patches could be a better choice for you.

There's nothing to be gained by focusing on the what-ifs. You'll find out soon enough if there is anything to worry about - and by acting on the fear and regret now, you'll be most motivated at the start when it's hardest to change your behaviours.

Please be a little kinder to yourself, none of us are perfect. I am an ex smoker, I haven't smoked for years now, but it also took me years to quit successfully after lots of trying. I then started drinking more! Life is such a slippery slope of blaming ourselves for everything, but where does it end? There's smokers, drinkers, drug takers and then those that are overweight or unfit or promiscuous. None of it is black and white and no one deserves cancer. (Well not many among us anyway!)

The doctor is pretty sure it isn’t cancer, he needs to be 100% sure though. Please stop smoking as my friend has mouth cancer from smoking.

We all have our wee vices, OP. Mine is food ... too much and the wrong kinds 🙄
Please, please be gentler on yourself.
Best of luck