Is it normal to be so 'uninteresting' in these little kid years?

[herewegoroundthebastardbush]

I have so many things I want to do - in theory. Two ideas for novels I really want to write, would love to learn Spanish properly as I already have a grounding, would love to really increase my understanding of my professional area and look t advance into something more specialist, I'd love to join this local initiative currently running to get women into garage bands, I'd love to go to more gigs and talks and read more books, I even have a couple of quite simple crafty projects I'd like to do... but... I don't do any of it. I work, I look after the children, I do what must be done around the house, then I fall over in a heap and either watch tv or scroll Mumsnet until bedtime.

Children are 2 and 6 for context.

I am honestly boring to myself these days, but I just can't seem to summon up the gumption to do anything that I might actually enjoy. I can read again now (My book-reading part of my brain seems to just shut down after childbirth, it came back a bit quicker the second time after about 18 months) but I still very rarely read, or if I do it's rarely something new or interesting, just favourite fiction I've read before.

I just read a thread where the OP is finding her friend boring because all she talks about is her kids. Is this me??? I have a lot of thoughts and ideas, I hope I can still hold a conversation... but they are mainly what I do! So I do talk about them a lot.

AIBU to be a bit 'in abeyance', and if not, when can I expect my get up and go to get up and come back??

I think pick one thing outside the home and jfdi.
If no partner then babysitter will be needed, don't let that be a barrier.

These are the coal face years, don't be too hard on yourself.

I think it is, to varying extents. Certainly when I had a baby I could think of little else, it was so overwhelming. Now he's 4 I can feel myself coming back a bit, but I simply don't have time to do much fun stuff for me. No more city breaks, no more weekend days spent taking photos or reading a whole book, far fewer gigs, I rarely even get a chance to mooch around the shops on my own and see what's new. My brain is not stimulated by soft play, playgrounds, child-friendly museums and birthday parties, unfortunately!

I find my attention span is too short for reading, I get bored if a book isn't gripping me. I have so much other stuff I should be doing that's calling me.

I think that you simply have to start.
The act of starting then gives you motivation, which then creates its own momentum.

Think clearly and critically about what is stopping you.

As your children are still young you probably still have an illusion of infinite time, but that definitely falls away as you get into your forties!

I embarked on a huge project a few years ago, because I realised that it was ‘now or never’ in terms of fitting it in between other key milestones.

I feel the same- cost of living, work, family commitments etc. I have so much I want to do that I don’t get time for. Be kind to yourself, schedule in half an hour here and there for projects, see if there are any family friendly things you can join.

Before you know it, the kids will be grown and you will miss those baby days.

Are you me? 2yo and 5yo here. It's bloody hard having so little space for yourself. I'm hanging in there day by day.

The lack of being able to focus on books is so miserable - I've really lost it since the birth of my second and I don't know how to tackle it. I don't have the concentration span anymore. At all.

Not unreasonable all - it’s just so knackering and ground hog day like sometimes.
your mojo will return. Mine are teenagers now and I’m still finding mine! ( but have managed quite a bit of stuff in intervening years)
i do quite a lot of Duolingo which I find keeps some brain awake rather than just messing aimlessly on my phone when I have 5 mins. Might be a painless way to chip away at the Spanish?

Yes it's normal- children take a huge amount of your time and mental energy- but it's also something you can change if you want to. So much of this stuff is habit and you've lost the habit. Why not start gradually- book a gig or a talk? The fact you've booked it will make you do it. Then see whether the additional faff of doing this stuff with kids (babysitters etc) is worth it for the experience.

I think too many people never recover their pre-kids habits- before kids you're out doing interesting things in the evening, then you have kids and start slumping on the sofa with the telly on every night because you're knackered and don't have a babysitter, then your kids get older and you actually could start doing interesting things again but you don't because you've lost the habit. Your kids aren't at that stage yet, op, but it's one to bear in mind.

Same, I’ve been meaning to read some books on economics I bought but I couldn’t bring myself to focus so read a horror novel instead. My attention span is gone, even if I had the time to sit down for a few hours to read.

I think it's possible to do other things if you want to. In fact I think it's essential for your mental health (I know it is for mine). I make time for my hobby when I have the energy which is normally early morning before I have to do nursery drop off on the days my husband isn't working away. I will leave at 7am and he deals with the toddlers. Then I make time on weekend mornings too or sandwich it in during the day. I read a bit before bed and me and my DH have a joint hobby we do for one hour a week that means we get a babysitter for it. I don't leave everything to the evening because I'm normally too knackered and I also tolerate a bit more house mess/chaos than I would ideally like because I prefer to do things to make me feel more human than push a hoover round on a daily basis.

It's hard but it's possible!

As other posters have said, you've just got to do it. It's never stopped any of my hobbies (carried on doing both during pregnancies and early years), one of which is cycling/ racing (didn't race in pregnancy) the other politics (very involved in local party and also a local councillor). I work full time too - dropped to part time for first few years. But have had a complete career change in last 3 years. My kids are 6 and 4.

I had the attitude pre-pregnancy , during pregnancy and very much enforced since having kids that I'm right! My attitude was and is that I have to look after myself and put myself first. Why? It means I'm happy and content basically... so it makes me a much better mum (partner, worker, etc).

I think the term mum guilt is shit. It conditions women to think they should feel guilty by putting their own needs first. If adhered to it becomes a millstone round the neck and prevents us doing things to develop, relax or whatever suits.

When I say I put my needs first. Obviously my kids aren't neglected! I just make sure I do quality stuff for me and have quality time with them. I very much treasure them and our time together.

The only thing I've changed is saying No! I was crap at that. It meant I was missing things which I felt were important eg bedtime routine. So I'll generally say no if a meeting is at bedtime, but may go slightly later or zoom in. I wouldn't sacrifice a family day for a bike ride - instead I'd be out for 5am on my bike. Home for 9am and raring to have a quality day together.

My DP is obviously supportive, but equally involved in his own hobbies (and work)! We very much share stuff like cooking, shopping, school run etc. Again it's all planned out. It might sound a bit anal/ tedious but it means we can pursue our own interests as well as having family life. We have ground rules - eg dinner together as a family, breakfast together as a family. But there's also space for flexibility (obviously)!

I spent some of this time effectively as a single parent - DP was in hospital then bed bound for a very long time. I carried on. I just neglected stuff like cleaning and we had ready meals!

You can do it OP. Just get on with it. Schedule one interest in and take it from there.

I have to plan my life with extreme precision to fit everything in. But try my best not to make sacrifices. I think I just spend much less time pontificating, which I did a lot of pre-kids. I am super lucky with work as I WFH and it's very flexible.

See this is the thing it's not really a time problem - my kids are (usually) in bed by 8 so I have a few hours each evening, timings make it awkward for some external things but partner is always happy to do a double putdown if I have something I want to go out for (we usually take one kid each), and most of the things I want to do are on my own schedule anyway (can read, write, craft any time). Time isn't the issue, motivation/energy is.

I know people like you and am in awe of them - boundless energy and enthusiasm, always 100% present at everything they do whether it's work, hobbies, parenting or whatever. My PT friend is one, 3 kids, a dog, three jobs, literally never stops moving, always cheerful and can-do. My sister's another one, although she is supported by a SAHD so has a bit more freedom to just power ahead with her career (her major passion). The energy and focus is astounding.

Whereas I feel really busy doing not that much, like I need tons of time just to be left alone doing nothing, but then I have nothing to show for it.

And I know, I just KNOW, you and the people like you will be rolling their eyes at this "pontificating" - "I want to want to!"

It's good to see a lot of others empathise, but it's also good to get the kick up the arse to jfdi from others. I know I'll never be like @bobob - that's just not realistic - but it is about habit-forming and filling my own cup a bit. I will, really will, try to do more. I think the out of the house thing is wise too, as it's so easy to just do nothing in the end at home in the evenings, for all my exciting planning out how I'm going to read/write/whatever.

I think it’s a mixture of procrastination and the particular porridge-brain stuff of early parenting, when you’re simultaneously stressed and bored most of the time.

Find some time that is reliably yours each week. Promise to spend the first ten minutes of it writing a novel/learning Spanish, and then if you spend the next 50 minutes eating cake and browsing MN it’s all good.

Fwiw (3 under 5) I am bored shitless by my domestic life so I love work / errands / anything. Bring it on if it doesn’t whinge at me, poop or appear on YT in a nasal US accent.

"In abeyance" is an interesting idea.

My worry I think is you put yourself under so much pressure to do more Things. Even if they are Things For You, it's just more stuff on your to do list and more stuff to beat yourself up for not achieving. If you have previously been a "hoop jumper" and you are finding yourself a bit paralysed, there comes a point where it's time to consider whether pushing yourself to just making more effort, just try harder, stop pontificating/moaning/procrastinating is actually just adding to the problem. It can put you under more pressure and make it worse. I spent years just pushing through, beating myself up for not doing enough and ended up completely burned out. I think the advice to just try to do one thing is good, but be sensitive to whether it helps or hinders you and be prepared to re-evaluate. Try to find things you can drop for everything new you take on. Perhaps moving to a 1 parent bedtime and having a couple of evenings off a week would help.

People telling you to exercise, get up earlier, take on extra projects, push through remind me of people who say just serve your kids what suits you, they'll eat when they are hungry. This advice is offered in good faith as a solution because it works for most people. However for some, it's massively unhelpful and counterproductive. The trick is to know which camp you fall into at this moment of your life.

Antidepressants have helped me get my "reading brain" back. Colouring and logic problem books were also stages I went though in trying to build my concentration back up. But whether it's these things that helped, or just time and rest, I don't know. I am pretty sure it wasn't Just Trying Harder that did it.

Meeting up with friends is really helpful. Just one friend for a coffee sometimes is best of all, and there's much more of an instant payback and less demand for concentration than there is in taking up calligraphy.

This is me too. Too tired. With the Spanish, try the paid version of Duolingo, it's easy to do half an hour a day. And start doing a blog, it's at least a minor sense of writing achievement each week or so.

I think it’s doable but something has to give. I know people who think I have it together but I really don’t. I have a 3 yo, work 2 x part time jobs, am in a final year of a degree and have a time consuming competitive hobby that I have kept up but my house is a tip, I don’t really have much of a social life, I get mum guilt that I don’t take DC out enough to groups etc. But I am very happy, I just feel bad when people say the don’t know how I do it all as I feel like if they could actually see they would know I just lurch from one thing to the next with no planning or organisation 😂. I think don’t beat yourself up and just start small but then don’t worry that you can’t do everything, I don’t go to things I don’t want to and probably give off that impression as people don’t really ask me 🙈 (I’m not saying that’s a good way to be but it’s just how it is).

I am a huge reader but I couldn't read anything longer than a Mumsnet post (no concentration) for years while my kids were young. When the youngest was over 3 I started being able to concentrate enough to read again, and now they have just turned 4 and I find myself with the energy and brain space to start looking about for projects.

Give yourself time, do what you can, but don't compare to life pre-kids. Having small kids IS an all consuming interesting hobby!

The only thing you need to do all these things is to be less busy. But having a night off the kids once a week isn't sufficient. I'm talking 3months off with no kids or husband or house or admin or work or bills or cleaning....its only when you have that mental space that all your enthusiasm and drive comes back. Keep writing down your ideas and one day you'll have the space to do it

I’m two years ahead of years ahead of you, mine are 8 and 4. I’d cut yourself some slack for 12-18 months. It will come back.

if you’ve got the cash for it a Kindle has helped my reading. It’s almost like scrolling 😁

Yes, this has been my experience too. DH and I were just talking last night about how our leisure time has changed. Neither of us feel we have the mental bandwidth for some of the more challenging things we used to do. I’m still a big reader but I have much less time now and I choose to read lighter stuff or re-read old favourites. I also avoid reading anything too sad or distressing as I just don’t want to think about that at the moment - I don’t have the mental space for it.

Gosh this really resonates with me - mine are 10, 8 and 4, and I definitely find that when evening comes I’m just so unmotivated to do anything that isn’t sitting on the sofa! I do read but that’s about it, I’m just absolutely knackered. I feel like I’m in a proper rut, and crave time to myself, but if I get it I can’t actually be bothered to do anything.
I did start an exercise class one night a week recently which does make me feel better, and is over bedtime so it’s one night when I know DH will have to do it!

Better still, download the Kindle app and read on your phone.
I get so much more reading done using the Kindle app on my phone because it feels exactly like mindless scrolling but way more entertaining.

that's really clever

I could have written this, especially with the reading, when I got back to I started with an favourite and I think I’ve re read the same 3 series’ twice since.

I hope it’s normal, we’re so tired and everyone else’s things are more important than our own… I hope it’s just a stage.

id suggest finding something to do with mums of littles in the same situation… if I wasn’t such a hermit I’d start there.

if you find the answers please let me know… for now, do what I do, remind yourself that you are the most interesting person on the planet in the eyes of your littles and appreciate it. My youngest is two and wants to do everything I do! My eldest is 15 and although we’re close, she definitely rolls her eyes more than I’d like…

what you do in a day May not be interesting to some, but it’s the most important thing in the world to your family, even if they don’t always realise it x