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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be worried I will pay for the funeral?

25 replies

FrazzledEm · 17/04/2023 09:12

My aunt (92) has a friend that visits every Saturday & they spend the day together at my aunt's flat - my aunt is almost totally blind and rarely goes out, and they have had this arrangement for years. Last Saturday, the friend didn't turn up and no phonecall, very out of character. She tried calling the friend a few times through the week but no answer. My mum said to my aunt they should report it but my aunt was reluctant / didn't know what to do, & neither did my mum. This Saturday came and went, and still no show so it's now been over a week. Yesterday my mum came over to mine and I said I wanted to report her missing so I called 101 and explained the situation. Within 10 minutes they had blue lights & an ambulance on the way to her address. The police called me from the flat, and said they couldn't get any answer and did I know who had a spare key. I didn't so they decided to break the door down, which I agreed with. They found the poor lady dead on the floor beside her bed :(

The policeman called me back a few hours later when they were leaving the property to say they had searched extensively but can't find anything relating to next of kin. As far as my aunt knows, the lady had 2 cousins but they weren't close and nobody has contact details for them. The policeman asked if they could put me down as next of kin and I didn't know what to say so I agreed.

What will happen now if they can't trace anybody? Who will arrange / pay for the lady's funeral? I can't stop thinking about what would have happened if I hadn't have insisted on calling to report it, how long would she have been there without being discovered... How sad to end your life with nobody noticing you were dead for days.

OP posts:
Nordicrain · 17/04/2023 09:13

You have absolutely no responsibility to pay for the funeral, so if you don't want to why are you making it your problem and worrying about it?

TheKobayashiMaru · 17/04/2023 09:16

How sad.

I would assume the Council would pay for a basic burial.

BarbaraofSeville · 17/04/2023 09:18

In the nicest possible way, you're being ridiculous. Casually agreeing to be a 'next of kin' which has no legal definition in the UK does not impose any responsibilities on you, you're just a point of contact for the police, nothing more.

Funerals are paid for from the estate. If there is no estate, then willing friends or relatives can pay. No individual has any legal obligation to pay for another person's funeral costs.

If no-one will pay, the local council has a legal duty to pay for a 'public health' funeral, ie a basic cremation to ensure that the body is correctly disposed of.

WeWereInParis · 17/04/2023 09:19

I'd have said no to being put down as next of kin.

But you won't have to pay for the funeral.

NancyJoan · 17/04/2023 09:23

How very sad.

Agreeing to be the point of contact doesn't make you financially responsible, don't worry. If she owned her home, the funeral will be paid from the proceeds.

CrotchetyQuaver · 17/04/2023 09:23

Hopefully the lady has enough money herself in her bank accounts to pay for her funeral.
What I would expect to happen is that the council will arrange a funeral for her in the absence of any family. You will probably have to explain the situation to them first.

Whatthediddlyfeck · 17/04/2023 09:24

I think they’ve muddied the water with the term “next of kin” , when what they really meant was “point of contact”.

In these situations the council will carry out enquiries to trace relatives, and in the meantime there won’t be a funeral till this has been done.

It’s usually the person who organises the funeral who is responsible for payment which is them reclaimed from the deceased’s estate, so for the love of god don’t jump the gun!

There are procedures in place for when someone dies with no estate. When I worked in that area (30+ years ago) it not very nicely termed as “destitute dead” and dealt with by the environmental health dept, as they have a duty in terms of Public Health.

loislovesstewie · 17/04/2023 09:34

If there is no money in the estate of the deceased then the local authority will organize a basic funeral. It's their job to try to trace actual relatives and also bank accounts to see what money /assets there might be. If anyone contacts you just make it clear that you and the deceased are not related. Please don't worry.

x2boys · 17/04/2023 09:42

I dont think.anyone can be forced to.pay for a funeral.even if they are related so.don't worry about it.

Ponoka7 · 17/04/2023 09:48

People of her age generally still send Christmas cards and have address books. Usually someone is sent to look around the property. As said, the council will provide a funeral if necessary. She might have life insurance/funeral plan or a bit of savings, anyway.

Ifailed · 17/04/2023 09:52

OP,
two people from Social Services will be sent to search the property to look for address books etc, as mentioned by PPs.

You are just a point of contact for the police at the moment, so don't worry about it, just look after your Aunt who no doubt is in shock and grieving.

PieonaBarm · 17/04/2023 09:54

The coroners office will ring you. Just tell them you're not NOK and completely unrelated. You're not responsible for the funeral

Aposterhasnoname · 17/04/2023 09:55

Terribly sad for the poor lady, but why on earth would you think for a single second you’d have to pay for the funeral?

VoluptuaSneezelips · 17/04/2023 10:06

I was in a similar situation with a friend passing away from Cancer, me & partner had helped look after him as he was estranged from his family and we didn't know if any of them were still alive. We contacted Citizens Advice and they helped to sort it out for us. We just had to take some paperwork in to the council offices, they appointed someone to try find surviving family. Nobody was found and the council where he passed away paid for the funeral.
Hope my experience at least lessens the worries for you.

Mariposista · 17/04/2023 10:10

Hi OP. Poor poor lady. How very sad.
you will not be forced to pay for a funeral. My gran died two weeks ago and it was not even asked ‘right which of you is paying’ when we went to the undertaker. They explained that the norm is that funds are recovered from the deceased estate once probate releases it. In the absence of sufficient funds, if nobody offers to pay, the local authority would take care of a basic funeral.

YouveGotToGrooveIt · 17/04/2023 10:15

How sad to end your life with nobody noticing you were dead for days.

It's shocking to hear it described this way BUT there may be another angle to her life.

She lived to 92 (good age) still with her health and faculties good enough to visit a friend once a week, so still with some social contact. She may have lived a very full and happy life but just been the last of her loved ones to go. She may have gone suddenly in the night, maybe heart attack after waking up.

This one fact of her death may not be representative of the quality of life she lived until that point.

mudonmyslipers · 17/04/2023 10:16

No, you won't have to pay for the funeral. Hopefully she had a Will of some kind? If not, the funeral will be paid from her estate. If there is no estate, she will be given a public health funeral. Details here: www.gov.uk/government/publications/public-health-funerals-good-practice-guidance/public-health-funerals-good-practice-guidance

Original poster
FrazzledEm · 17/04/2023 10:46

Thanks for all the helpful replies, I hadn't realised the difference between NOK and point of contact but that makes sense! To be honest, I was put on the spot a bit when the policeman asked me and felt obliged to say yes - he said the coroner would need to contact me but I've no idea why. The lady lived in a council flat so no property / estate I would imagine but relieved to hear the council will sort her funeral costs if there aren't any funds.

OP posts:
caringcarer · 17/04/2023 11:04

The coroner may just wish to contact you as you and your Aunt may have been the last person to see the lady alive. You are next of kin.

Allthings · 17/04/2023 11:40

You have gone into a blind panic. Why would you think that you are responsible for paying for the funeral for someone who is effectively a stranger to you?

Its probably sensible to make it clear with the police, or the coroner (if you are contacted by them) that you are not next of kin, but a point of contact.

As has already been said, the council will sort out funeral arrangements and funding if there is no close family or funds to pay for it. She may however had made a will and appointed an executor who would then make the necessary arrangements.

Davros · 17/04/2023 11:53

There doesn't need to be an actual funeral, it can be a direct burial or cremation, still paid for by the estate but cheaper and easier

maxelly · 17/04/2023 12:14

A very basic funeral doesn't have to cost a lot of money so it may well be her 'estate' (which can just mean whatever was her in bank account, it doesn't have to mean property or other valuables) can pay, I know people do spend thousands and thousands but a simple funeral at a crematorium with a celebrant (or you could say a few simple words yourself and play some music), wicker or basic wood casket, no cars etc could probably be arranged for c.£1500 (£1000 ish for the crematorium fees, £200 ish for a basic casket, £200 ish for the celebrant). She might well have had that amount put away or have subscribed to a funeral plan, many older people do. You and your aunt could then attend and send flowers which would be nice. But as others have said, if she really didn't have any money at all the council will arrange a basic, unattended (no service) cremation for free, just by being the 'next of kin' (meaningless term anyway) you won't become responsible for the costs.

SmudgeButt · 17/04/2023 12:45

Nothing to add to the rest of the good advice given but wanted to say how sorry I feel for your aged aunt to have lost such a friend like this.

loislovesstewie · 17/04/2023 15:02

I worked as a housing officer for a local authority. We had a tenant who died in these circumstances and was buried ' one the parish'. A couple of my colleagues were in attendance at the funeral so he didn't go to his final rest without someone who knew him there. I don't know if people can still attend any service but that was the case then. More of us wanted to attend but couldn't as we weren't allowed to shut the office. He was rather a unique character!

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