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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have concern over my daughters interest

37 replies

Arushandaflush · 17/04/2023 00:22

Hi. I have yet to make my own post but I’d like some input on how to maturely deal with my current situation.
My daughter lives with her father (her decision) and is soon to turn 15.
I’m still in contact with her Father though we are separated and he tells me she spends a lot of time in her room, more than she does out. She rarely speaks to others but I know she talks to friends her age via online chat. I am not pleased about this but she is mature enough now to know not talk to strange people online.
However my worry stems from the nature of what she does all day, I’m becoming concerned to be honest. She spends all of her pocket money I send her on books about true crime and murderers. She’s gloomy 99% but then lights up whenever these topics are discussed. She seems to have an encyclopaedic knowledge of very disturbing things and I wonder where she learns them.
She has posters on her walls of Myra hindley.
I can’t do much about this since she lives with her father who doesn’t know who she is and must assume she’s a popstar or actress she likes (He’s of a non british background) but it appalls me. She prints them out with her father’s computer. She seems to have an interest in her that goes beyond fascination - she’s also asked to bleach her hair since this started a couple months back but I’ve told her no.
she’s been involved with CAHMS before and has a high functioning autism diagnosis. There’s not much I can do but talk to her but I can’t seem to get it into her head. I’m appreciative of advice right now especially those with autistic teenagers. Thank you.

OP posts:
whatsyourpoison13 · 17/04/2023 00:25

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ as it was the work of a previously banned poster.

Tempone · 17/04/2023 00:26

A few friends of mine who are NT are massively into the whole true crime podcast thing, it makes me feel ill. But i think its quite an "in" thing at the minute. I could imagine an ND child take that to the next level if that was their special interest.
A lot of teenagers spend a lot of time in their bedroom, does she attend school?

Indoorcatmum · 17/04/2023 00:31

A lot of parents say they "never saw the signs" after their adult children get caught up in or commit terrible crimes.

That is because concerning behaviours are often ignored.

If she was fixated on solving crimes and wanted to go into forensics or the police then I would be cautious but supportive.

To be idolizing someone who committed appalling crimes by putting up photos of her is a HUGE red flag and I would be stepping in with external help pronto.

AspiringMermaid · 17/04/2023 00:34

I think you should let her bleach her hair, seems like a relatively small thing, maybe it will make her feel more confident going outside, boost her self esteem a little bit. Honestly I don't think there's much you can do apart from CAHMS / private therapy. Maybe take her to a hair salon and try to have a heart to heart? Ask what is going on in general. Does she want to stay at her dad's because feels more comfortable? I understand the posters on her wall are disturbing but trying to get her to take them down, rather than question the ideology I think is the wrong approach.

misssunshine4040 · 17/04/2023 00:38

This is so concerning.
Wasn't their a woman who stabbed a man to death in the news lately who's house had Myra Hyndly posters and other serial killers on the wall. The woman had an obsession with them.
I think you need to speak the the school for some support and see if they can keep an out for any concerns.
As many people made as aware as possible.
Can you talk to your daughter about her interest in this stuff?

Tempone · 17/04/2023 00:41

And autistic or not, I find the more you come down hard on something the more they dig their heels in? Have you tried talking to her about it? Finding out why is she fascinated? Has she heard victim impact statements, they can be very harrowing to listen to but it might open a dialogue about empathy.
Like I said one friend of mine can get absolutely lost in true crime podcasts, I don't get it personally, but she is no where near serial killer material

ExtraOnions · 17/04/2023 00:41

High Functioning Autism … same as my daughter. It’s a hyper-obsession, you can’t say anything to dissuade, however, it will wear off. Mine has them regularly, not serial killers but …. k-pop, NHL, certain cartoons & books, Avengers, Lego - she is currently mid-obsession with a certain video game she is playing with a new global group of friends - it’s all encompassing, but it will wear off. I find it easier to talk to her if I step into the world she is currently in (so I know a lot about K-Pop and Hockey)

I wouldn’t worry

ClumsyCat · 17/04/2023 00:51

It is a bit disturbing, but she may not be fascinated in the way you suspect. My DD had been obsessing over ‘offensive’ things on tick-tock/you tube shorts - things like “what’s the most offensive joke you know”. She’d be hooting with laughter, then she showed me. I explained why the joke was genuinely nasty and offensive and it had gone right over her head, it was the absurdity, I think, that made her laugh and she felt down afterwards- maybe embarrassed because she isn’t able to understand jokes?

I am thinking with the serial killer thing - I remember Charles Manson had a rock star kind of mystique about him when I was a teen and now I am really appalled when I look back. I think Myra Hindley has been sensationalised in the media. That picture of her when she was young is quite glamorous. Is it that thing of it seeming like it is far enough in the past that young people just think of her like an outlaw now? If you think about the way Jack the Ripper is sensationalised, there is such detachment from the crimes.

I think, if I were you, I’d hang out with her and talk about it, explain how bad Hindley’s crimes were and remove some of the sensation. Maybe talk about the children and their parents, so she looks at it from the perspective of the victims instead.

Original poster
Arushandaflush · 17/04/2023 01:10

Thank you. I appreciate the advice very much.
I wouldn’t want her to feel like a bad person for having interests. I wouldn’t mind a healthy fascination but it’s crossing the path into idolisation. And I don’t want her to feel like I’m being overprotective of her but in my head she’s still young, time has flown by far too fast.

OP posts:
cloudsandream · 17/04/2023 01:11

I wouldn’t worry too much about it. I’ve graduated in Criminology and loads of my coursemates were nose deep in criminal cases and books and documentaries daily. It’s weird, I get it, it’s abit out of the ordinary to find such things fascinating but that’s just human curiosity. Just because she has a keen interest doesn’t mean she’s going to stab anybody, that’s what the media and god knows what wants you to believe. Best case scenario she’ll lose interest soon.

misssunshine4040 · 17/04/2023 01:21

A keen interest is fine and understandable but what's with the poster on the wall? And am I right in thinking the op means her daughter wants to bleach her hair to look like Myras mugshot?

WandaWonder · 17/04/2023 01:26

As a teenager I was obsessed with true crime and dark TV shows, but once I was not reading or watching I remained perfectly normal, it was just something I enjoyed reading/watching

There is difference so yes get involved if you think it is causing issues

WandaWonder · 17/04/2023 01:28

WandaWonder · 17/04/2023 01:26

As a teenager I was obsessed with true crime and dark TV shows, but once I was not reading or watching I remained perfectly normal, it was just something I enjoyed reading/watching

There is difference so yes get involved if you think it is causing issues

I will add my fascination was how they were caught not the crimes

Mediumred · 17/04/2023 01:33

I also think an interest in true crime is one thing (I have an autistic DD but she isn’t strongly into any special interest but I know lots of NT and ND people do read lots of true crime/listen to podcasts etc) but the poster and the hair are worrying.

if you explained to her dad who Hindley was how would he react? Could you go back to your Camhs contact and discuss it with them? Does she attend school? How does she get on/present there? Think your concern is valid and it’s right to be monitoring this, good luck!

PearPartridge · 17/04/2023 01:42

Lots of people are interested in true crime. There are lots of TV programmes on about it. Putting up a picture of a child murderer/torturer though is in a different realm. Hopefully she'll realise in time that it's inappropriate

OhSoDog · 17/04/2023 01:56

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Mummyoflittledragon · 17/04/2023 01:58

AspiringMermaid · 17/04/2023 00:34

I think you should let her bleach her hair, seems like a relatively small thing, maybe it will make her feel more confident going outside, boost her self esteem a little bit. Honestly I don't think there's much you can do apart from CAHMS / private therapy. Maybe take her to a hair salon and try to have a heart to heart? Ask what is going on in general. Does she want to stay at her dad's because feels more comfortable? I understand the posters on her wall are disturbing but trying to get her to take them down, rather than question the ideology I think is the wrong approach.

Didn’t Myra Hindley bleach her hair? I think op needs to ascertain first whether or not her dd is trying to emulate her.

Original poster
Arushandaflush · 17/04/2023 01:59

Thanks. I ask for help i’m accused of being a troll. Nice. Going to bed now thank you to those who were kind enough to give great advice x

OP posts:
StarsInTheCountry · 17/04/2023 02:34

This can’t be real. The posters on the wall and wanting to look like a murderer by dying her hair. Don’t believe it for a second.

determinedtomakethiswork · 17/04/2023 02:37

AspiringMermaid · 17/04/2023 00:34

I think you should let her bleach her hair, seems like a relatively small thing, maybe it will make her feel more confident going outside, boost her self esteem a little bit. Honestly I don't think there's much you can do apart from CAHMS / private therapy. Maybe take her to a hair salon and try to have a heart to heart? Ask what is going on in general. Does she want to stay at her dad's because feels more comfortable? I understand the posters on her wall are disturbing but trying to get her to take them down, rather than question the ideology I think is the wrong approach.

Do you mean she looks like Myra Hindley?Are you really suggesting that?

WhereAreMyPants · 17/04/2023 02:37

🙄

LadyJ2023 · 17/04/2023 03:00

Ohhh for goodness sake I've always been into stuff like that and now in my 30s. Not everyone will turn bad because of an interest in it lol

IamSuperTired · 17/04/2023 03:48

I am interested in crime, its origins and it's impact. I have worked for the prison service and with offenders for 20+ years.

However, I do not and never would have a poster of a serial killer on my wall. Why would someone do that? Most people put posters of people they like or admire on the wall. Thus, in your case, I'd be quite worried. Myra Hindley is not to be glorified or admired in any way.

Personally I'd inform her CAMHS worker. I'd also try and spend quality time with your daughter asking why she has Myra Hindley on the wall, what she likes about crime stories etc... Really try and understand and listen to what she's saying.

You also need to tell her dad who the people are that his daughter has pictures of, on her bedroom walls.

I do think you are right to be worried and you can't do nothing. Keep talking to her. This is teenage time,.so a time when people are searching for identity. You really don t want your daughter to start solidifying her own identity as that of someone capable of doing v bad things.

Talk about the victims.of crime, the impact of crime. If you can, try and encourage her more down the route of supporting victims. Bringing offenders to justice etc....

IamSuperTired · 17/04/2023 03:49

LadyJ2023 · 17/04/2023 03:00

Ohhh for goodness sake I've always been into stuff like that and now in my 30s. Not everyone will turn bad because of an interest in it lol

Did you have pics.of serial killers on your wall though?

Sleepyandconfused · 17/04/2023 04:53

Im OBSESSED with true crime. Love it. Cannot get enough. I know many, many, MANY people who are the same. I think it’s a totally normal thing to be interested in.