To find DH’s timekeeping and lack of communication infuriating?

[NightandViolets]

I love DH but he is the worst at keeping in touch when out and about and it’s driving me up the wall.

For context, we have a young child and a baby and I’ve been very ill recently so need to try and rest and recover as hard as that is. He has been great at taking older child out in particular but despite me asking he never checks in while out or lets me know when they’ll be home. Eg what I think will be an hour or two weeks ends up being most of the day with no updates.

This weekend he took DD swimming but then decided on a whim to take her to the cinema half an hour’s drive away so they were back about four hours later than expected. The first I knew of it was when he texted me just before the film started. He knew the shopping was arriving that eve so I had to struggle post op to bring it all in myself and look after baby.

He said he was sorry but only the next day he said he was taking the kids on a short visit to the playground. I said please keep in touch and be home in good time for dinner and bath/bedtime. He gets home when dinner is cold and says they decided to go and see his parents on a whim. I wouldn’t have had a big issue but there was no communication before then so now they are eating a cold dinner and DD will be in bed late the night before going back to school.

He just seems to do this ALL THE TIME. We all had a night away a few months ago so he could catch up with a friend but I didn’t hear from him all evening and he rolled in at 2am when I’d been struggling to get baby to sleep and worried sick about if he was ok in a city we don’t know. I’m not being over controlling or expecting a minute by minute update on what he’s doing, nor is there any suspicious behaviour at play as he’s almost always with the kids, but it really impacts on my own plans and trying to get better after surgery. WWYD?

That must be so frustrating and annoying. I don’t understand why he finds it so difficult to just let you know.

id have some strong words and deliberately ‘forget’ or not do something (like his dinner, washing or getting a present) to try and get the message across. He’s being an asshat.

I'm split on this. If he's arranged to be home at a certain time for food, he should let you know changes in plan. However you said if he let you know, there wouldn't be a big issue. But when he did let you know about the cinema, you still weren't happy.
As for going out with friends, I definitely don't think he has to update you what he's doing. He's out having a good time. He's not a child lost in the big city. He's a grown adult capable of looking after himself.

YANBU. He’s leaving you to do jobs that he needs to be doing and making home life more stressful for you while you’re trying to recover.

Was he like this before you had the baby and got sick? Is he finding all that stressful?

In some ways it sounds like an avoidance technique. Is it possible he heads out with DD and pretends you don’t really exist and looks for excuses to stay out so he can forget about the demands at home? Which doesn’t make it acceptable, but I wonder if he is finding coping hard and he doesn’t know how to handle it well.

He doesn't sound vague forgetful to me. He sounds deliberately difficult and disrespectful.
I'm not sure what I'd do. I think maybe just say you find what he's done rude and disrespectful, e.g. "I consider it rude and disrespectful of you to not have been home in time to help me with the shopping, you didn't keep your word as you said you'd be here."
Don't let him draw you into an argument about it, don't make him promise to do better in future. He's an adult, he can choose whether he's going to treat you with respect or not. Just keep letting him know, calmly and straightforwardly, every time he has broken his word and done something you consider disrespectful.
If nothing shifts in several months I guess then I'd start thinking about ultimatums.

I'd be pissed off if I felt I had to update DP every time I was out with the kids and decided to do something spontaneous to be honest.

Him taking the kids out for long periods of time - Great, time for you to nap, eat, take a long bath. Who gives a shit if he microwaves his dinner or doesn't get a serving, he's an adult, he can sort his own dinner.

Him fucking off solo without agreeing it, or him failing to complete chores he said he would do - Piss poor.

Is this about you wanting to control the comings and goings, or is it about him being a disengaged twat who treats you like a skivvy?

It’s not just in him thought. If you were making dinner or wanted them back why couldn’t you check before just making dinner?
Did you really make your DD eat a cold dinner to prove some sort of point? Why couldn’t you have kept it warm in the oven or put it in the microwave for her?

This would annoy me. I think it’s easy enough to text to say “going to mum’s / Kevin’s / the park back later I’ll get tea for me and kids”. My DH does disappearing occasionally and an hour or two doesn’t concern me usually but at 4 hours I start worrying if I’ve heard nothing and he’s set an expectation that he will be home. He’s never with the kids though. So for me it’s about meal planning: a quick “not going to be home for dinner like I said, sorry” is in my view the respectful approach. For me though it is an annoyance rather than a dealbreaker: I know he’s crap at this and lives in his own little world so just assume it will happen and let it go.

I do just say “would have been good if you’d let me know” though.

I think you should ask him to sort out feeding the kids when he's out and about with them. If he's happy to do that, then it gives you more time to relax which is a good thing. If your DC is cranky the next day because they stayed out too late, then let him deal with getting them ready for school. The shopping thing is shit though; I would have just put away anything that would quickly spoil and leave the rest for him to put away when he got home.

I do understand where you're coming from though. My DH is a very much a wait and see what happens on the day type of person and I prefer to plan things ahead of time.