To want my DH to still make an effort

[Ohmy88]

Had a row with my DH today, it’s a rarity & feeling upset & confused as to whether I am BU or not… For a bit of background we’ve been together forever, he’s a wonderful man & we generally have a great relationship in all depts. We have a 2 yo DS & another on the way.

DH has always been in good shape, clean shaven & with a shaved head. I try to look after myself too. I wouldn’t say I’m vain but I do wear (minimal) make up day to day, go to the gym (granted I haven’t during this pregnancy) & like look after my hair/nails.

Over the last year or so my DH has stopped shaving for weeks on end. He’ll grow a sort of stubbly, prickly beard & not shave his head (he’s bald so it only grows back in certain places).

After a week or so I ask him if he’s going to shave & normally get a short, snappy response about not having time & then a few days or more later he’ll reluctantly shave. He only does this when I “nag” him, as he puts it.

Today we had nice lunch plans with friends. DH is a couple of weeks into beard/hair growth. I’d already asked if he was going to shave this weekend & so an hour or so before lunch today I asked again. All hell broke loose. I am shaming him about the way he looks apparently, he’s sick of it, he doesn’t comment on why I don’t bother going to the gym anymore or the way I look, he doesn’t WANT to look scruffy but he never has the time to do anything about it because of our DS.

My constant “nagging” pushed him to the edge clearly. But I was hurt by what he said - the gym comment mainly as I’ve had a difficult pregnancy & just not felt well enough to go.

To be clear, I love him however he looks. I love him for the man he is. For me this lack of self care signals something deeper than just a lack of time (which, for the record he does have he just chooses to do other things with) so I guess it’s twofold. I miss the way he used to carry himself & I worry that he’s unhappy deep down, and that’s why he’s stopped caring.

AIBU to want him to take pride in his appearance or does this just make me utterly shallow?

You're being massively unreasonable. If he's showering and keeping clean then not shaving is a huge non issue. You're literally nagging him to wear his hair and face the way that YOU want. He's an adult, if he doesn't want to shave he doesn't have to.

Has he stopped showering, ironing his clothes, exercising? Or is it just his shaving?

I’d hate it if DH did this. Sorry I think you are being unreasonable. He can choose to present himself how he wishes. My love for him isn’t based on this.

I think YABU - just not shaving for a bit / growing out the hair isn't really not looking after himself - is he still brushing teeth / showering / wearing clean clothes?

Nagging won't help, his gym comment wasn't kind but neither was your comments on his appearance.

I'd probably prefer you to tackle it in a different way if you're genuinely worried there's something more to this, because it does very much seem like you're "nagging" about him changing his appearance to suit your idea of acceptable. You can have pride in your appearance without having to conform to a certain way of looking.

So, if you do really think this is a lack of care signalling something deeper ... then address it as such. I know that would be a difficult conversation, but you're going to have to have it if this is actually more than just frequency of shaving.

I did not know that “are you going to shave?” And “are you shaving for the pub lunch?” on repeat was code for “I’m concerned your grooming habits have changed, have you been struggling with anything?”

I don’t buy that you are concerned, your AIBU question was about taking pride in your appearance not about am I right to be concerned. That is shallow. You seem to care more how he looks to your friends than how he is feeling.

You've said yourself you have a 2yo snd in the middle of a not so good pregnancy.is this not to have affected him at all?
Are you ashamed of the fact that he's got bald/patchy spots? Does that matter more than you being concerned about the remains WHY he's doing this?
Why is your post not about being worried about his mental health because his grooming habits have changed and he's admitted it really isn't on the top of his priorities at the moment? Why is it about he's doesn't shave his head and you were disappointed because you were going on a nice lunch with friends, as if you're ashamed of him. And now your upset because he's quite rightly pointed out that you're not keeping to your usual healthy routine because of the situation you're both in at moment.
Yes, you're the one going through the bad pregnancy and I'm sorry about that but is he picking up more of the duties at home and with DC because of it? Ask him about How's he feeling, don't comment on how he looks. Your priorities are all wrong

I am not surprised he was annoyed to be honest. I would be annoyed with my DH if he started nagging me to shave or do my hair in a particular way.

How would you feel if he pulled you up because you hadn’t shaved your legs in 5 days?
I have a feeling you wouldn’t be okay with that. Particularly as you got upset when he said you weren’t looking after yourself either as you stopped going to the gym.

You've commented on his appearance and he retaliated by commenting on yours and you are upset? Erm don't want to state the obvious.....

This

Another thread where the OP disappears. It's hard to know what's made up on here or what's real but the OP isn't getting the response they want so disappear or gets thread deleted

I’m clearly in the minority here, but I don’t think you’re being unreasonable.
I would just say that you love him and want to make sure he is ok.

Maybe just word it like that to him, and he will be more understanding of why you’re mentioning it. At the moment it sounds like you’re embarrassed of him, and that’s probably how he hears it too.