To ask DP to read a book?

[user40816]

I want to preface this by saying DP is mostly a well meaning father.

He can also be selfish by his own admission though, in the things he does/doesn't do, say and give thought to.

He has issues he won't/can't see. His own father abandoned him when he was very young and DP has gone as far as changing his name so he has no association with him. He has a lot of buried anger, maybe about his father, maybe about being bullied, I'm not sure and he doesn't give any thought to it but it surfaces quite a lot in his behaviour and perception of the world.

Before having DC we agreed on how we wanted to parent and what our priorities were in terms of their wellbeing. I put a lot of energy into working through issues that I risked passing onto DC, but DP did not. Now he wants to "warn DC not to trust people" and doesn't appear to respect DC as a unique individual and not expecting them to behave as an obedient dog.

I've asked DP to read 'The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read' because it has enabled me to see how mine and his experiences are likely to be transferred to DC and our issues and traumas passed on, which is exactly what we agreed we didn't want.

But he won't. It's on Kindle so rather than browsing Facebook or watching YouTube videos, he could read a chapter. Despite how important it is to me and, I believe, for DCs sake, he won't put in the effort to even understand where I'm coming from.

AIBU to ask him to at least read the book?

I think you are a bit U, although I can see why.

People need to work through their problems in their own way. Imposing a suggestion just because it worked for you isn’t likely to suit him.

Can you back off for a bit, then start with the problem (‘I worry DC will grow up thinking X’), then come to a solution together?

Whilst I agree that your approach is very good, it’s not like it’s uncommon for people to go into parenting already carrying baggage. Usually they muddle through, make mistakes etc. it depends if the mistakes you believed he is making are slightly ill advised “Be careful who you trust” or more damaging (shouting, abuse, paranoia, alcoholism…)
Can you give any more examples of what you think he’s getting wrong?
Because I’m inclined to think if he doesn’t want to read a book…he doesn’t have to.

He doesn't respect his child and expects them to behave like an obedient dog?

I'm sorry OP this isn't something a book is going to solve, he sounds like a prick.

I don't think it's possible not to let your past experiences affect how you parent.

Every single person alive is impacted by what happened to them as a child - and that directly impacts who they are as a parent. Reading a book isn't going to fundamentally change who your DP is - it won't make him forget his past.

So, while I admire your approach and your way of doing things, I don't think it's possible to parent without letting your past experiences have an impact on that.

I'm going to assume he has lots of good qualities, otherwise you wouldn't have chosen him as your partner and father of your children - so why not focus on the positive things he does, and the things that make him a fantastic parent instead? He can't help what happened to him growing up, and focusing on his flaws isn't going to benefit either of you (or your children) in the long run.

I would also be very wary of pointing out what you perceive to flaws and failures, as he may well turn round and point out all the things he feels you are doing wrong too.

There's nothing you can do to force someone into being a decent person.

@MrsBunnyEars I've tried approaching it from that kind of an angle and he doesn't see the issue. Specifically related to the not trusting people, his response was "people are cunts and I don't want them thinking everyone has their best interest". Like I say, well meaning but not at all cognizant of the impact such a negative opinion can have. I'm not hoping the book fixes his problems by any means, I just want him to realise how DC will pick up on his actions and views, and possibly not in the way he hopes.

@Stellaroses He denies DCs feelings and wants to impose his negative views of the world on them. This is not dissimilar to how I grew up and I am aware of the amount of baggage I carry as a result and very clearly remember back to specific memories where I internalised my parents' problems.

@brooksidebackside It's things like telling DC (1y) off for making a mess with food, or saying they have to learn respect for FIL (who they still haven't warmed to)

It's things like telling DC (1y) off for making a mess with food, or saying they have to learn respect for FIL (who they still haven't warmed to)

Yep. This isn't something a book is going to teach him. Good people don't act like this towards babies/toddlers.

@coffeecupsandwaxmelts I think you might have misinterpreted a little. I don't criticise DP for his experiences and how they've impacted him, as that wasn't ultimately his fault (even though he's old enough to work through things if he wanted to). What bothers me is that he will not make the effort to try to avoid passing on these traumas to DC by altering how he reacts and taking responsibility for his beliefs, rather than knowingly imposing them on DC.

Her also has pointed out how my anxiety will affect DC, and subsequently I have sought help to manage it. I'm perfectly fine, even grateful, to have highlighted to me areas I can improve that will benefit DC.

@user40816 I wasn't saying you were criticising him for his experiences.

I was saying that you can't force someone to change their behaviour and that criticising his parenting may not be the best way to get him to change.

But having read your responses, I think you
have much bigger issues than his childhood trauma. He sounds horrible.