Husband going against what we discussed

[Twinmum19]

I know this is about a sandwich but it’s the straw that broke the camels back.

One of our DC is fussy with food and has got into a habit of saying they are finished or full and leave half their meal, then say they are hungry for snacks soon after. I’ve made a huge effort during the school break to try to improve this.

My DH and I have discussed and agreed to encourage DC to eat meals rather than snack on less healthy foods.

Today my DC left half a sandwich that they like and regularly eat then 30min later…. ‘I’m hungry’ so I said if you’re hungry you’ve got the sandwich but there’s nothing else. My DH then came in so I told him what I’d said and he agreed but then said to DC ‘do you want a different sandwich?’

My opinion: in DC eyes they are getting their own way, it’s not helping their fussy habit and it’s undermined what I said (not to mention I can’t stand food waste)

DH opinion: He didn’t give DC a treat and a sandwich is a sandwich.

whos BU?

Mixed messages here. The child will quickly realise they can play one parent off against the other.
If you really want to stop this behaviour around food then you need to agree 100% and let it show in your actions.

Oh and he's BU for agreeing with you then doing the opposite.

Making a fresh sandwich defeats the point. They are regularly eating half their meal, hungry again soon after and not finishing the original meal. The choice should be the leftovers or waiting til the next meal. Dh did the wrong thing here.

You wanted dc to eat a sandwich

DH offered a sandwich

Don't see how he's done the opposite

This.

How old is your child?

It's just a bit of miscommunication don't sweat it.

Did he really agree in the first place or just agreed to shut u up

The “agreement” was finishing meals over getting snacks. He made a different meal so to me, he followed the rules. He undermined you saying “it’s this or nothing” though- but to be fair, you also moved the original goalposts in this situation. The child didn’t snack, wasn’t that the correct aim? You didn’t say the aim was to finish what they were offered.

😂😂

Fussy eating leads to lots of stress. Personally I would have done what your DH did. Offer an alternative to provide some control to the child without breaking the boundary of no snacks. Did the DC actually eat the new sandwich?

I'm with you on the food waste though, but just end up incorporating it into one of my meals!

I'd be fine with this. Why not just actually only give him half a sandwich then follow up a bit later with another one if hungry? Is the issue you are upset about related to unhealthy snacking, or snacking as a concept?

Anyway ... life is too short to be pissed off over this. Yes, your dh could have made him finish his half eaten sandwich, but he offered something else healthy

DC is 4. It’s not necessarily that they need to eat everything on their plate, it’s that they can’t leave the savoury in favour of the sweet they’ll ask for in 20mins. I assume sandwich number 2 would have been jam but DC didn’t want it.

🤣 no he definitely agreed. It came off the back of the fact he actually gets more frustrated with DC leaving meals than I do most of the time

I agree limiting alternatives may lead to a more 'mindful' eating experience for your child and better habits. A sandwich keeps reasonably well so I think it's quite reasonable to offer the sandwich again later. Your husband's offer is undoing all the good work you've done, it's undermining you,buy most importantly it's going to make your child's life harder in the future.
One thing though that I would suggest you consider is this. Something I hear often hear is words to the effect of "l told him not to blah blah"or"He knows l hate blah blah" " We had discussed this and I told him he was supposed to..." lve had people say similar to me (usually work) and the person seems really angry at you for not doing 'what you were supposed to' however what they actually mean is, something came up and A disapproved and they said grey wanted X to happen. B had been doing Y and was happy with the outcome. A tells B they're not happy and shares their preference for X over Y. B says I hear you but I think Y is fine. A then believes they've 'discussed this' and 'theyve' agreed its fmgoing to be As way from now on.
OK in your example I ghink it's pretty??cleat that most people will agree your way is the 'correct' way but have you both really discussed it, or was it more a case of you pointing something out/dissaproving/picking him up etc and he's given you the equivalent of a 'Yes dear'? Have you actually discussed it properly and agreed on an outcome?

Apologies, few typos. Hope you can work it out. Found my glasses!

Parenting on the road of least resistance isn't a great idea. Especially at 4.

Your dh is happy to play Good Cop to your Bad Cop. You need to get in the same page or fast forward 10 years your life will be Hell and your marriage over...

Thank you, definitely lots to think about there.
Ive not told him off or picked him up on anything and I was equally guilty of giving in to DC on the snack front but I think we probably need to clarify what we both consider to be acceptable in more detail. Such a good way to put it with the A & B thank you. I can see from the reply’s we both have a point.

I know reading the original post it seems dramatic but it does come off the back of years of trying to find balance and solutions to DCs fussy eating (lots of stress as someone pointed out)

You clearly had a misunderstanding - him that a treat food (biscuits, crisps) were not to be offered as substitute. you that the remaining food should be given again.
Discuss it and make sure that you're on the same age.

I am totally with you on the food waste, and it must be bloody irritating - however i grew up as an overweight child that was raised with the mantra of "finish everything on you plate, remember all the starving children in Africa".
I still have great difficulty in leaving unfinished food, having any sense of feeling full - and am still overweight.
Letting your child have a sense of being full and deciding not to eat what is in front of them is one of the most valuable life lessons ever.

typo - same page

Thank you 😊 100% agree with this, I’m the same and disagree with making them finish their plate. Id have been fine if DC left the sandwich if they hadn’t said I’m hungry 20min later, my other DC rarely finishes a plate of food but will eat more equal amounts of what’s on there and not ask for snacks all the time because they are full from their meal. I’m also trying to find a balance between DC understanding healthy foods but also not viewing foods as ‘good and bad’ which is why we haven’t just taken away the ‘treats’ full stop.

I suppose at 4, they're still learning what 'full' is maybe - 60+ & still trying🙄
to DC, 'full' might be bored / thought of something more interesting to do...
It sounds like you have a good attitude to their diet - they'll get there eventually.