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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not know what to do next?

52 replies

Panicsettinginagain · 16/04/2023 10:39

DH business has been failing for the last two years, we’ve been living off my PT salary and my savings.

Money is running out fast, house isn’t selling, DH just wants to keep on at business.

I’ve offered alternatives and solutions, he won’t accept them.

I don’t know what to do next and I feel completely alone in this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Panicsettinginagain · 16/04/2023 14:38

@mackthepony
Things declined slowly but it’s been failing for a couple of years now, we both kept hoping things would pick up again but they seem to have got worse.

OP posts:
Gymnopedie · 16/04/2023 14:42

[I suggested that he could] scale back business expenses

we’ve been living off my PT salary and my savings.

So why does he not have any savings? Have you (joint) spent them, or is it - as the two quotes above put together suggest - that he likes spending, mostly on himself, and you have to be the sensible one who goes without to have a rainy day fund?

Sorry OP, he sounds selfish. Does he care about the strain this is putting on you, financially because that's your savings gone, and mentally? Selling the house and renting could well affect you for the rest of your life.

MojoMoon · 16/04/2023 15:15

Are you contributing to a pension?

You need to have a proper discussion with full disclosure of the financial situation you are in.

His refusal to consider closing the business makes me wonder if there is a lot more debt attached to the business than you know about.

Original poster
Panicsettinginagain · 16/04/2023 16:14

@MojoMoon
i think he just loves his job and the freedom of being self employed. Ironically, the financial situation we are in gives us very little freedom

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 16/04/2023 16:27

Why has business declined?

NoSquirrels · 16/04/2023 16:28

If you don’t know why it isn’t profitable any more, you cannot make a decision.

Original poster
Panicsettinginagain · 16/04/2023 16:40

@NoSquirrels
true but I can imagine it changing enough to save the situation immediately

OP posts:
PineappleLatte · 16/04/2023 16:42

What work is he doing? Are the skills transferable?

NoSquirrels · 16/04/2023 17:12

Panicsettinginagain · 16/04/2023 16:40

@NoSquirrels
true but I can imagine it changing enough to save the situation immediately

Imagining it isn’t enough. That’s what your husband is doing. It’s magical thinking. If he pours hours and money into it and it’s not profitable there is a reason for that. What’s the reason?

If the reason is, this service is now available at a cheaper cost elsewhere, the there are more competitors than 5 years ago, so the industry and commercial landscape has changed, then it’s not salvageable.

If the reason is, this is a niche service hard hit by Covid closures etc but for X reason there will be a measurable return on investment in X months, that’s different.

mrsm43s · 16/04/2023 17:16

You work full time, and he takes on childcare responsibilities alongside running his business? As self employed, he can work around your hours. It's pretty bonkers for neither of you to be maximising your earnings when you're in dire financial straits. Maybe negotiate a period of time with him (18 m/2 years?) at which point you agree that if the business isn't profitable then he has to find a paying job.

Original poster
Panicsettinginagain · 16/04/2023 17:22

@mrsm43s
me working an extra 2 days a week will not pay all the bills

OP posts:
mrsm43s · 16/04/2023 17:32

Panicsettinginagain · 16/04/2023 17:22

@mrsm43s
me working an extra 2 days a week will not pay all the bills

But surely it would still help?

And you could look at upskilling/changing industries to earn more, in the same way as you're expecting him to change his job to earn more?

Neither of you seem to be taking responsibility to maximise your income.

Without knowing his business, it's hard to know if it's a pipe dream or if it has potential. But you are both grown adults who are equally responsible for financially supporting the family.

ThinWomansBrain · 16/04/2023 17:39

How long has he been running this business, and did it ever make a profit/provide a decent income? - and why has business declined?

NoSquirrels · 16/04/2023 17:43

Panicsettinginagain · 16/04/2023 17:22

@mrsm43s
me working an extra 2 days a week will not pay all the bills

No. But it will force him into realising that he cannot work full time on his “business”. It will mean you don’t pay for childcare. It will mean he starts to look for paid employment or realises something has to give.

If you’re selling your property you are in dire straits and tinkering round the edges with fewer business expenses etc is not going to help.

Tbh, this would be relationship-ending for me. I’d rather take my share of the money from the property sale and go it alone, with the aid of top-up benefits if necessary.

Original poster
Panicsettinginagain · 16/04/2023 17:48

This sounds harsh and petty but I really don’t want to work all the hours god sends to further support him when he’s not willing to do the same. It can’t all be down to me, I’m working and doing as was agreed.

I don’t want to go into business stuff as it’s outing.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 16/04/2023 17:53

Then you should leave him.

Harshly, you don’t have many options but to work all hours to support your child.

That’s either going to be alone, in your own living situation, with a custody arrangement etc etc., or it’s going to be with him, whilst he does childcare and gives up on his business.

If he won’t get a different job, and won’t give up his job to save money on childcare, what realistic option is there?

mrsm43s · 16/04/2023 18:01

TBH I don't think you have the right to refuse to maximise your own contribution whilst demanding that he maximises his. From what you say, it seems that he works hard, but his business just isn't making money. He's not refusing to work. You don't have some god given right to work part time, especially when your family desperately needs the money.

I think you're both as irresponsible as each other tbh, neither of you are prepared to step up and support the family.

I would say that the only thing to do is split up. But most likely you'll need to work full time to support yourself, but I guess at least without the resentment that you're also supporting him in his (likely not viable) business venture.

Gymmum82 · 16/04/2023 18:04

He needs to get a second job to pay the bills. Either working nights/evenings/weekends.

Make sure the split on the house equity is equal and you take your share in to a savings account. You will need this to leave him. Which you will end up having to do because he’s not prepared to support his family.
You also need to look in to increasing your hours at work in order to support yourself and your children when you leave him. He won’t pay maintenance so don’t rely on that.

If he won’t listen or consider getting a second job you will have no choice but to leave. You’ve already lost your house. He will stop at nothing

Lizzt2007 · 16/04/2023 18:06

Panicsettinginagain · 16/04/2023 17:48

This sounds harsh and petty but I really don’t want to work all the hours god sends to further support him when he’s not willing to do the same. It can’t all be down to me, I’m working and doing as was agreed.

I don’t want to go into business stuff as it’s outing.

You're right, it is harsh and petty. So his business has downturned over the last two years, but prior to that him running the business has allowed you to work part time rather than full time, yet your not willing to do the xtra to try and support him now? Get over yourself. You sound incredibly selfish.

Foreversearch · 16/04/2023 18:16

@Panicsettinginagain you are about to lose your home and you are both burying your head in the sand.

At what point do you walk away?when you are all crammed into a one bed rental with £50k in debts facing bancuptcy?

He is effectively a cocklodger, playing with his business and expecting you to sacrifice your home etc. You are facilitating this by agreeing to sell the house.

I know this sounds harsh but you need to decide your red lines. For me potentially loosing the house is one of my red lines.

You both need to face reality and get jobs. Yes childcare costs but only for a few years, you need to be building a career for the future.

If he can keep the business going as a part time sideline great but it is clearly not able to provide the necessary income.

Original poster
Panicsettinginagain · 16/04/2023 18:30

DH business hasn’t allowed me to go PT, I have been able to work PT due to the field I’m in. I don’t want to go into it as it’s outing.

DH won’t be able to provide childcare due to the hours he will insist on working.

It just feels a bit like I’m the one expected to compromise.

OP posts:
CybermanAshad · 16/04/2023 18:41

Can't really help if you keep insisting everything is outing 🤷‍♀️ can you not even give a rough idea on what DHs business/industry is

SquishyGloopyBum · 16/04/2023 21:32

Something has got to give op. You need to go FT and make childcare his problem.

He needs to stop and realise.

Him working all hours won't work nor pay the bills. He is prioritising himself over his families security and future.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 16/04/2023 22:25

Can DH get an evening/ weekend job?
If the thought of losing your house won't bring him down to earth, I'm not sure what will
He can't just keep working and making nothing... That's a hobby
It shouldn't be you who has to make all the compromises
He is very selfish

CanofCant · 16/04/2023 22:28

Panicsettinginagain · 16/04/2023 18:30

DH business hasn’t allowed me to go PT, I have been able to work PT due to the field I’m in. I don’t want to go into it as it’s outing.

DH won’t be able to provide childcare due to the hours he will insist on working.

It just feels a bit like I’m the one expected to compromise.

Well yeah, you will be expected to compromise while he continues with his sieve of a business.

Leaving him won't be ideal but it sounds the best and most logical step to me. I'd be livid that he won't do anything to improve this for you all and instead intends to live on a wish and a hope.

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