The 25 year itch

[Wheredoallthehairbandsgo]

25 year marriage
4 older children - 1 remaining in home. 3 left.
No violence - but DH emotionally unavailable mostly
some hard times in the past that have resulted in much shouting - near separation.
Plodding along as stability and some fondness appealing and don’t want to break up a family for example celebrations , grandchildren, weddings.

Is this a half life ?

AIBU to consider that at 50 this is my lot ?

Sounds profoundly unpleasant

and when last child moves out, just the two of you

has he always been emotionally unavailable? And what does that actually mean in reality?

I hear you OP, 23 years together and had a blazing row about the dog this morning...which apparantly was all my fault. I told him ive had enough and id rather live on my own. We've not spoken since 🙈. I get the emotionally unavailable comment....i also feel like im just plodding on. Like you, nothing unpleasant, and I have a comfortable life.

Thanks for your reply.
I will try and answer your question.

He is kind.
He struggles with emotions, for example Understanding other peoples and needs a lot of direction in a crisis.

This really does not sound like a pleasant life

I am amicably divorced and my morning… peaceful breakfast with children, long walk to get my favourite coffee and then meeting a friend later for another coffee, and then doing a roast with children later on

no blazing row. No tension

Sorry you’re going through it. I’m not sorry I am not alone !

I think people in very long and unhappy marriages lose sight of what is actually a “pleasant” life

There is no real reason not to split. You have a whole life ahead. My now elderly mother would give her right arm to have taken the plunge at even 60 and moved on, she didn't and still miserable

I left at 18 years. Someone said “there’s no medal for 20 years” when explaining why she left her husband and it really struck a cord. I realised I didn’t want the next 20 years to be a repeat of the last 20 with out the distraction of bringing up ds
i now live on my own with 2 dogs and love it. Grateful I left before lockdown!

There's no easy answer here. Be very careful to assume the grass is greener as single-dom isn't easy and definitely isn't what you see on TV. It's also not uncommon to have drifted into some pretty bad habits with your partner over the years as kids and 'life' takes over. I've never met either of you but I'd suggest he's probably not happy either and then this just compounds to make the cycle worse as you build walls. I'd suggest trying to make it work through counselling. Counselling is really just an opportunity to talk AND listen - the third party just facilitates the conversation. If that gets you no-where maybe then consider some tougher solutions down the line.

😂😂😂 Im sure we arent the only ones !

No, not the only ones. Not really sure what the answer is though.
Some days I am deeply unhappy, and I do resent him, but then I think this is the norm. I'm only 47 😞

This is sad reading, can you have an honest conversation with him about trying to establish yourselves as a couple again now you are coming to a new chapter?
How about organising a long holiday together alone, it's very easy to lose sight of each other when raising children, sometimes a change of scenery can help open up a discussion or encourage nostalgia of better times together.

Start planning to end it now
DF lived to 94 (although they seemed happy enough) how could you cope for another 40+ years?
I’m nearly 60 and happily single although do have male company - I love having no tension or atmosphere in the house and coming home to find it how I left it
The peace is worth an awful lot - I will never be rich but for me it’s worth it

Your kids are grown up, so if you separate you wouldn’t be breaking up a family, just moving it to a new phase. You are still going to be co-grandparents and pitch to the same weddings. Don’t use that as an excuse.

If you don’t want to live a half life as you say, then either you divorce, or stay married but move properly to living separate lives.

I would see a solicitor to see how a divorce would pan out financially because I think the only argument for still married but separate lives is if it makes a huge financial difference - but presumably you both still work so you are probably too young to settle for that, it’s more for 70 year olds +

You could of course have a last ditch at reviving it before you come to either of the above.

But I think taking action is essential. You don’t want to live like this.

I’m all for people trying to save their marriages but I have to disagree that being single is intrinsically harder than any other state. It’s in many ways easier.

You have one life. Do you really want to live like this?