Really struggling to cope with these feelings

[sarahandler]

I’m in my early 30s, DH early 40s, together 6 years and married for 1. We are very happy together - he’s just wonderful. We always assumed we’d want to have a family without really thinking about it in detail, but in the last year or two we’ve both had a change of heart. We’ve had a lot of discussions and soul searching and we’ve agreed we don’t want a child. There’s a few reasons for this -

Financially we get by but there’s no money left at the end of the month to play with, we’re homeowners but it’s a tiny 1 bed home in a very expensive city. To have room for a baby we’d need to move somewhere cheaper, which would mean leaving jobs that we both love (DH is also quite specialist and would struggle to find an equivalent role elsewhere.) Neither of us really want to do this, we love our life here.

We both have chronic conditions, mine is physical and DH has bipolar disorder. We manage pretty well most of the time but this is through sticking to a routine - things like sleep hygiene for DH, pacing for me (like if we go out on a Saturday, we usually stay home on a Sunday and relax). Mine also means I’m not allowed to drive, which is another reason I’m reluctant to move out of the city. DH particularly doesn’t manage stress well or changes to routine, and he needs a lot of downtime after work.

We wouldn’t have much support - our parents are both elderly and not local and we’re both only children. We also don’t seem to have many friends with children, most of the couples we socialise with are in their late 30s and early 40s and appear to be childfree by choice.

I know we have made the right decision. When weighing everything up, I don’t think we’re well set up to handle the stress and commitment of a child. DH doesn’t seem to have struggled with this at all, but I feel bereft. I am really struggling to get anyone to understand that I am confident in my decision but also devastated by what it means. I’ll miss out on so many experiences. I feel emotional when I see babies and toddlers out and about. I’ll never see DH as a father, which breaks my heart because he is such a kind, loving person.

I do talk to DH about it and he is supportive, but I can tell he doesn’t really understand. I tried CBT but they just seemed to believe it was more of an issue of me and DH wanting different things, which was so frustrating.

Essentially I need help accepting the decision we’ve made and moving forward, but I don’t know where to look or get started. Any advice?

Don't look at other people and their kids/families and grieve for missing out on it too.
By the sounds of it having kids for you both would be a real challenge on many fronts, make sure you acknowledge the reality of what it would be like, not what other people have.

Is private therapy an option? Proper talking therapy, not CBT. You might have access to some free sessions through your work or his - see if there’s an Employee Assistance Programme you can access.

Could you volunteer as a befriender for children with your local council? It maybe called something different at your council. You take a child out that needs it (they maybe a young carer or have a difficult home life) and have fun with expenses paid

To me it sounds like you've been forced into this choice through circumstances and that's what the issue is. Having a child isn't an option for you - and that's distressing because it's at complete odds with what you actually want.

You'll likely have to go through some proper therapy and some level of a grieving process to get to a point where you accept this reality.

Fwiw your decision makes perfect logical sense, but when you've spent such a long time considering your life with children you're going to need to spend a decent amount of time really coming to terms with not having them. If I were you I'd probably look for support groups for people in a similar situation to you. Possibly even support groups for those who are infertile and who have worked through the feelings as they'll probably help best with advice.

I think your health reasons are the compelling ones. Financially, things can change and shift, people get by and adapt, on its own that wouldn't be enough reason not to take the plunge. Similarly , lack of family / friends help- this is the case for lots of people.

But having children is exhausting, relentless with added sleep deprivation. I think it's often the cause of generally worse health in parents. So I think you are wise to know that having children could be an overwhelming challenge to both of your health.

I sometimes see people with babies and feel a tug on my heart strings of either, feeling broody, or somehow wanting to have my time with babies again and this time do it better and appreciate the moment more. Then I remembered how frazzled I was, how I'd probably have been worrying about whether they'd have a meltdown or how much stuff I had to carry and remember, or how long it would be til I had a rest...

So perhaps it would help with your feelings, not to say, I've decided not to have kids, but to say, my health doesn't allow me to have kids? Then it acknowledges the elements of this decision that were outside your control, really.

And maybe make some different joint ambitions with your husband, something you'd love to do that can represent a progression or focus? (Eg depending on your interests of course, get a sailing boat, start a band, travel somewhere, start a business, ... do the thing you couldn't do if you had to stay home and look after the kids!)

Hugs to you OP it sounds like you’ve made the right decision and kudos to you for not just going ahead and thinking you’ll manage somehow.

This is a great organisation. For women who are childless for any reason not just infertility.

https://gateway-women.com/

It’s definitely the right decision for you now and I hope you soon reach a state of peace with your decision.

Also there isnt actually any need to make a definitive choice now as some of the factors mentioned could change and you are young enough. Im
not saying you should change your mind but it could help how you are feeling now if you don’t feel so backed into a corner.

Having children is...not all it's cracked up to be. I have one and of COURSE I love him, I absolutely do, but if I hadn't been conditioned since infancy to believe having babies was my destiny would I have freely chosen to become a mum? I don't know. Maybe not. Having a baby is lovely (but incredibly stressful and hard work). Having a young child is lovely (but still a lot of hard work and often stressful). Having a teenager is...not a lot of fun much of the time. It's a period to be endured more than enjoyed for most parents I believe. The weight of responsibility I feel for trying to mould a decent person out of this human who has his own wishes, personality, motivations and beliefs - it's a lot.
what I'm trying to say is yes, being a mother is an experience that you won't have, but that doesn't mean it's an unremitting joy. I see so many parents who are struggling to cope (through work) who have physical or mental ill health, disability, financial instability, housing issues and their lives are frankly joyless. The world isn't a kind place and raising children is really hard, especially when you have extra challenges.
We all get to experience some things in life and not others. Nobody's experiences are the same as another's. It sounds like you have a life that is pretty wonderful for you and you are happy and enjoy it. That's a blessing and something to cherish and value.
I used to believe I would have 2/3 children. When I realised I would be one and done (bad marriage, retraining for a new career etc) I grieved the children and the life I wouldn't have. I do understand the feeling of being robbed of something you wanted or expected. And the anger at having the choice taken away from you. But those feelings pass.

Sounds like you've made the right decision. Yes, you miss tge experience of having kids, but if you have kids you miss out on other things, plus take on a whole lot of exhaustion and stress. I would pin point the things you think having kids would give you that you want, then discuss with people who actually have them whether these are things they actually get from having kids, and if thry do whether these things are actually enjoyable, and then think about other ways you could get them. Eg, if you like the idea of taking your kid to toddler groups etc, be aware that most people take them out of loneliness and boredom, not because a toddler group is great. Likewise, if you like the idea of love/cuddles, remember that more often it's clinginess and screaming if they're put down - ie everything on their terms not yours. Plus they pull away as they get older anyway. Obviously there are good times too, but it is NOTHING like the adverts or social media photos might lead you to believe. Literally nothing. A day out to the beach might be 3/4 tantrums and squabbling and 1/4 a nice time looking in a rock pool (if you're really lucky).

That’s a very thoughtful post @MsMcGonagall

I have two kids btw, no real money worries, enough room in our house, both kids healthy and happy, no additional needs, and have a good relationship with both. I.e in some ways as good as it gets. Love them both to bits of course, but would still say it is a massive pressure and stress as a previous poster said, emotionally, physically and financially extremely draining!

Thank you so much, there’s such lovely, helpful messages here. I hadn’t really considered that it’s not so much that I’ll be childfree by choice but that circumstances have pushed me into that decision, and that there is support available to come to terms with that. Thank you.

I totally hear what many of you saying about the realities of parenting vs how it looks on the outside. I think I’m pretty good at remembering the likely struggles when I’m at home and thinking rationally, but things like walking past a family at the park on a sunny day or seeing a dad with their baby in a carrier feels like a gut punch, and all that logic fades away!

I get that @sarahandler, there was a time when the sight of a dad playing football in the park with his kid would have floored me but it does get better I promise. 💐

I remember that pain from when we were struggling to conceive and then through an ectopic. It is very visceral.

We do have kids now - and while I am glad we do and I would not undo them, I do find it absolutely punishing - particularly as we have one with disabilities and another that escalated emotionally at a pin drop. It can be really, really hard physically and emotionally. I have so much respect for the insightful and realistic (though painful) approach you are taking.

Before we had kids I did not think I would miss the travelling, adventure, evenings out, etc. But I do. My only advice to you is to really look for and celebrate the joy in these things. I also wonder if you might consider perhaps offering some of your time as a school governor / with a scouting / guiding group or similar? It may be a way of helping to build some of the meaning and connection you are mourning, albeit in a much broader, less directly attached, and less consuming way. I volunteer and get a lot of satisfaction and enjoyment from it.

I would also say it is absolutely ok to feel sad that life has not turned out the way you wanted. But don’t let that sadness overwhelm the other good stuff in front of you. There is a poem that often circulated in disability groups called ‘welcome to Holland’. It is not intended to be about your situation - and you may find it a difficult read as it is about having a child - but it talks about the process of adjustment to a life other than the one you had visualised. Google it if you think it might be helpful.

Wishing you the very best as you grapple with this. Your approach suggests to me that if you and your dh were in a different position health wise you would be a fantastic mum. I hope you can find some other very lovely and positive outlets that bring you joy and satisfaction.

Thank you. I’m glad things are easier for you now 💕

Yes it does sound like it’s a decision made with your head, but not your heart.

As you say the reasons you give for not having a child are valid and reasonable and make sense. But the majority of women are hardwired by hormones to want to have a nurturing role. That’s why your husband finds it easier.

Im not sure what your solution is. Would a pet be possible to fulfil the nurturing role? Maybe you just need time for your heart to catch up with your head.
This is a dilemma so many women face, are there any support groups out there you could join? Perhaps talking with someone with the same exact problem would help.

That's a tough situation op but I think you're making the best decision for a positive long term future for you and your husband. @MsMcGonagall gives an excellent viewpoint.

I'll try to give another but not certain I'll explain it properly. I'm not even 50 but My children are young adults now. We love them dearly and are very proud of them. We love the family that we've raised and the unit we are but they're adults now and making their own way and the unit has changed and will continue to change as they forge their own lives.
Those days in the parks, holidays etc were fabulous but also just points in time that pass too. Having a child wouldn't mean that would be the life you'd have forever it would be a few short enough years that have lovely times but pass in a blur a bit too.

To get to this point has taken a lot of love, dedication, hard work, time, money, effort, patience and among all the happy times there's been quiet a few trying times when it feels like doing your best and hardest will never be enough to deal with what your child needs. I say this as a parent of children without additional needs and who are healthy and well. Parenting is bloody hard work when you're really invested in making sure you meet all your children's needs. You sacrifice an awful lot and when your child isn't happy then you're down right miserable.
I think what I'm trying to say is try not to focus only on the baby and toddler years having a child would give you. They pass very fast, even the awful teen years fly by so yes you miss out emotionally on those experiences but also for people like me who've had them they are now long gone and it can be very sad when you realise those days are over. Realistically while I'll be a parent forever I've only had dependant children for a shorter point of my lifespan and the rest of that life needs to be fulfilled too.
Sorry for the waffling and I hope some of it makes sense.
I wish you well and hope you can find peace with your decision and live the happy fulfilled life that's possible for people both with, without and after raising children.

I think you have made right decision. Being a parent is hard work. My DS now 18 cried every day for first 5 years of his life. When he was a baby he never slept it was torture. You are certainly entitled to grieve a little for the life you might have had if thing were different.

Thank you all 💐