More chaos from DSS's mum...

[Thymeandtimeagain]

DSS is 15, his mum is hard work. There seems to be constant drama.
At the start of the year she needed a large sum of money to pay for a course. We refused.
She moved into another part of the country to retrain, DSS moved in with us. It lasted a matter of weeks, the return of DSS was demanded, after she failed the first gateway of her course.
DSS has worked really hard to get into a development squad of a sport. DH committed to all the training cost and expense. She demanded to take it over, then refused to take him to training. Now often he is too 'sick to go' even although it's his passion.
DSS wants and agreed to live with us 5/7 days to give him stability. His mum got involved now he wants full flex to come and go as he pleases. More at his mum's that here.
She now wants to remove him from mainstream schooling (private) where he is getting good grades to pursue a vocation.
AIBU that enough is just enough, every family lawyer says there is no point making legal demands due to his age, but I just can't watch him continue to be a pawn in his mothers chaos.... at the risk of his health and future. Or do I just let it run its course?

If he is choosing to stay more at his mums there is very little you can do. Frustrating but ultimately he’s an older teen and his wishes as to where to live etc would come first. All you can really do is speak to him (without bad mouthing his mum) and try and make him realise you feel you have his best interests at heart.

But it's not the right place for him to be.

You're the stepparent and it isn't your decision to make. It might sound harsh because clearly you are involved in his care and love him but she's his mum. He sounds like he's stick in a difficult place, poor thing.

He’s 15 though, not 5. I’ve got a dd aged 20 and one aged 11. The 20 year old is at university and hasn’t had a good relationship with her dad and step mum for years now because he has all sorts of strong opinions about what she should and shouldn’t be doing (I split up with him when she was 6 months old). At some point you have to just accept you can’t force them to do what you want them to do. It’s only a short time until he’s an adult, you don’t want to damage your long term relationship with him. By all means voice your concerns but dragging him off to court (if that’s what you’re wanting to do?) when he’s choosing to stay more with his mum seems very counterproductive.

If he is not at risk then there is nothing his father can do. The issues you detailed are not risks to him simply different parenting choices. No court is going to mandate a 15 year old in this case.

Keep communication open with DSS. I would be crossing fingers that he stays within education to give him a better range of choices.

But he does seem at risk, he comes to us looking utterly shattered. Black circles under his eyes and surely removing him from school isn't good?

This is your husband's fight not yours. Just be a loving stepmum to SS, assure him that you are there for him whenever he needs you, and you only want the best for him. Avoid interactions with his mum.

Is this the woman who wanted your husband to fund her while she went abroad for a course, and the SS lived with you while she was gone? Seems familiar

I remember your previous threads op. Actually see a solicitor.. Dss is maybe being loyal to his dm. An official letter may spell out what he is risking going along with her wishes. At 15 a court would be interested in a school matter imo.

Yes I'm the same poster, everything in her life is just utter chaos. I don't want that life for him, we are boring, routine people. But hold down great jobs, have fabulous family and friends (which DSS is much a part of)
She flits from one rental to another, relationships and blended family, grandiose ideas and out right fantasy, mostly NC with family. I just wish we'd just get a break from it, for once.