To ask if your friendships went on hold for family life?

[AFineBalance]

I’m early 40s with DS8 and 4. With youngest went straight from mat leave to covid so a while out of social scene.

Ive always valued my friendships - I’m often the planner in social groups. But currently feel like a lot of my friendships are in tatters. Old friends feel far away. Those with families are busy with them, local contacts feel tenuous. Met a lot of friendly people through school and facilitate children’s social lives but not much more than that.

It’s a busy stage of life. Has covid made it worse? Should I just keep focus on family life? Do friendships come back later in life?

We still see friends, just less. I talk to them more via phone calls, messages and voice notes. I think it's harder for the childfree friends in our group as they are having to make new friends as most of us are less free. It doesn't mean we don't make an effort though.

I've also made room for new 'Mum friends', which obviously has an impact on previous friendships. Some will last, some probably won't - from both the old and new groups.

I think they evolve more than come back, if they survive.
I wasn’t able to have children and had to distance myself when all my friends started having children. Everything was so child-centric, from what we did to what we ate to what we talked about and I found it hard to deal with. I’ve been best mates with a woman since we were ten years old but for 15 of the 40 years we’ve been friends I didn’t actually see her once without the three kids in tow - her choice, not necessity. She just assumed that I’d want to see her three kids as much as I’d want to see her, and I found it impossible to tell her that wasn’t the case. Now the kids are much more grown up, two at uni, one at senior school, and she wants to do more stuff together, but I actively sought out new friends who didn’t have children, or were single like me, and they are very different to her and don’t have anything in common so she hasn’t really gelled with my non-mum group of friends. I’m still good friends with her but I think she finds it hard that I’m not as available as I was, don’t see her so often, and have developed new interests like climbing, hiking, sports etc that she’s just not interested in.

Friends take effort. When friends have kids it’s all encompassing and they don’t know it because they only see what’s in front of them. For friends on the outdoors it’s harsh. You can accept the time and wait, which is brutal in itself, and she may come back . She might not .

in all honesty. If she’s staying in touch throughout however sketchy she needs you. If she doesn’t make any effort she’s moving on and walk away. Just my opinion

We’ve all had to. I live at least 90 minutes on the train from my friends. Pre DC I could nip up to see them whenever, now I can’t. Equally, they used to come see us regularly and now can’t. Such is life and we do still try and nobody seems offended yet!

No my friendships didn't go on hold. I was the last to have a baby at the age of 31. All my friends children were getting ready to start high school by then!.
However I still met up with them weekly for a night out from ds1 being 3 weeks old.