Grandparents favouring one child?

[HouseD]

My parents, who i am NC with, send money to each of my toddlers' bank accounts. They send one much more than the other, and I suspects it's because one is better looking than the other (in their eyes - mother has form for basing value of gifts on people's looks). Would it be wrong for me to divide this money equally?

There's no chance I'm breaking my NC to speak with them about it.

@DollyDoofer absolutely not!! I am still dealing with the childhood trauma they caused me and I'm not sure if I will ever get over it. I went NC when they started to treat my children the same way.

@NamelessNancy @RedToothBrush @Stripedbag101 I'm sure they are doing it to get a reaction and as another FU to my boundaries.

We are NC now with my husbands parents because of lies they told to family members about things me and him supposedly said.

In our situation, that means we don't want to see them, and have the negative influence and stress they brought into our family life.

We did initially ask them not to contact us or send things, but they do still send things for the kids, and to be honest why should our kids NOT get that....it wasn't their decision to cut contact, and the arguments and fall out were nothing to do with them, or things that happened between them and their grandparents.

We have been clear with our children that them sending gifts is because the disagreements were between us grown ups, not them, but that they have still made Daddy and me very upset so that's why we can't talk to/see them.

My grandmother acknowledged me as I was born before my mum went NC but she didn't acknowledge that my brother was born because she hadn't met him and hadn't been told about him by my mum. She knew he had been born because my uncle was still in touch. So we got viewed differently by her (though I didn't have any contact with her until my 30s). In the limited contact she did have with my mum she continued to have this attitude that one I counted.

Close both accounts.

Separately open new children's accounts.

I had someone putting money into my account and the bank said they couldn't block the payments so I just kept sending it back till they got the hint. Bank could not block it

This?! Of course this. Just open new accounts at a different bank and don’t give them the details . You don’t have to accept money from people who you don’t like and also as your children are young surely your name is on the accounts too? Otherwise draw the money out and send it back to them in an envelope every month telling them they can have it back.

The account is in the child's name and that means money in it becomes the child's property. Taking that money is theft. You could have spent a second in research to find that out. Put the emojis away and try reading.

Your dc are very fortunate to receive money from grandparents they have no genuine familial relationship with.

YWNBU to split the monetary gifts between the dc.

Thank you everyone for your comments. I am still thinking them through. I am awake as it's really bugging me. My parents were extremely unfair to me and I think perhaps I go OTT trying to be fair.

I've gone back and forth for a few years on whether I accept the money and following lots of advice from people here when I previously posted in detail about what I experienced with my parents, I decided a few years ago that I am taking the money (on my children's behalf, directly in their accounts - I don't touch it) and thinking of it as compensation for how they treated me. My parents spent all the money I was gifted as a child from other family members and friends on the basis that anything that belonged to me is theirs, and I don't want my children in the future to think that I made decisions about their money that weren't mine to make. My dilemma now is about whether I split the money between them.

I just remembered a conversation I previously had with FIL on DC1's first birthday. He told me his grandparents favoured him over his siblings and he found it awful. His parents used to divide up his gifts equally amongst all 3 children, including money, and when he got older he did it himself as he found it awful how his siblings were treated.

@Mummyof287 I am sorry to hear of your situation, my children are not at an age yet where they ask questions or would understand.

@RedToothBrush that is awful, I'm so sorry for your brother  in my family I felt I was the one who wasn't acknowledged eg as a child I got presents that my mum wanted eg perfume, she said it killed two birds with one stone as she'd ticked off getting a present for me and she got something she wanted herself. When I got married, DH would get big presents and I would get my own property wrapped up eg I once got my own broken childhood necklace as a present, DH got expensive clothes worth £00s.

@OhMyCherriePie @mamapiggywig this is what I have had to do with money sent to my bank account but they are tenacious and it's been going on every month for 3 years, they are persevering with it. I just remembered, I can't do this with the children's accounts because I can only withdraw money once a year.

@DollyDoofer I am not sure how fortunate they are. My parents use gifts to control people. I hope it won't bite them in the future.

Close the childrens accounts? Then you could open new accounts with a different company etc but I think you’re storing up trouble by accepting it tbh as you acknowledge they use money as control…

I would take their money op....it's for the kids.

OP, I would definitely take their money for my kids, without a doubt. Not many people are in the fortunate position of being able to refuse money that will benefit their children so just keep it all in savings. I would also definitely share it equally. And sharing it will not equate to “theft” as one uninformed poster suggested…there has to be a dishonest element to any theft, in this case there is not.

Just a thought but could you open 1 joint account for your dc, transfer the funds from their current accounts and then close the sole accounts. The money is never moved out of your dc's name and your parents can't send differing amounts to your dc. It won't stop them saving separately and then contacting your dc when they are older but it is a clear message that you don't accept the different treatment.

She isn't accepting it, she is allowing her children's grandparents to give money to their grandchildren.

If she stopped doing this, it's her children who would lose out.

I would share equally.

If you block I'd think they'd make more of a point when they die of leaving one child loads and the other nothing. Try and minimise they gap if you can by 'allowing' this bit. But I'm cynical.

If you are still getting money from them wouldn't the easiest solution to just be to put that money into their accounts so they get the same amount each month?

Thank you all for your thoughts. The more I read them the more frustrated I am getting at how much of an inconvenience my parents are creating.

I don't want to close the accounts, because my children get money from other friends and relatives, and it would be hugely inconvenient for others. They have great grandparents in their 90s who send them £10 here and there and they found it so hard getting everything set up when we first opened the accounts.

I can only withdraw money once a year so I think I'm going to have to go through the account once a year to work out overall how much I need to transfer from my oldest to the youngest.

Of course she's accepting it! How would her children 'lose out' without it?

The money legally belongs to your eldest. You can withdraw it to buy things for your eldest, but you can't just give it away because it isn't yours to give. Please don't listen to those who apparently think it's ok to steal from your eldest, it isn't ok. www.moneysupermarket.com/savings/best-childrens-savings-accounts/#:~:text=When%20you%20open%20a%20children's,money%20for%20their%20own%20ends.

Topping up the younger one instead isn't an issue, that's what I'd do, or have another grandparent make good from their contributions.

I would just contribute more to the youngest's savings than the eldest's to balance it out.

If the GPs tell your eldest that they had more money given to them than the youngest to cause trouble in the future then you'll just have to explain. Hopefully the DC never come into contact with these people ever again though.

OP's making it easy for the GPs to come into the children's lives by continuing to accept money for them. That makes it easy for the GPs to say "your mom kept you away from us out of spite but still took our money"

@GoodChat Meh, by the time the DC are old enough to recieve the money they will also be old enough to know the truth about their GPs. They can make their choices from that point onwards. I doubt they will suddenly want contact with someone that they don't know and who also treated their DM so poorly, would you?

I don't see a problem with taking money from these people. It makes no difference to OP's life as she is NC but the money will make a difference to her children's in the future.