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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have temporarily walked out

22 replies

Worriedmum40284 · 15/04/2023 17:16

Went out for lunch with friends today (very rare occurence) and knew my DH would stay at home with the kids. Which is fine, they are well looked after etc. But he never takes them out together without me. He will take the older one but has only taken DS2 out a handful of times and I can't think of a time when he's taken them out together.

He says he worries DS2 will have a tantrum and they'll both be difficult to handle. DS2 can be hard work at times, normal 2yo stuff to me but DH thinks he's exceptionally challenging and when the two kids are together it's tough.

It is. But I still do it regularly as that's life as a parent and they need to get outside and not just be stuck at home.

When I get home, they're obviously bored and full of energy - it's nice here today and it would just have been nice for him to have taken them to the park or something. He argues he isn't feeling his best today and I get that, but it's not just a today thing - it's always.

He then got grumpy that I brought it up and decided he'd take them out then and there which has pissed me off as it's nearly dinnertime and it totally misses the point I was trying to make.

It also creates a knock on as he's out tomorrow (something he's obliged to do - not leisure) so it means I'll definitely have to get them out or they'll be climbing the walls. Again, not a problem but I think it goes unacknowledged that these things then just fall to me.

I've temporarily left the house without saying anything as feeling really cross about how he reacted to me raising something in a reasonable way and don't want to argue in front of the kids. I can't really articulate why I am annoyed as he's done what I was suggesting but it's like it's just out of spite now.

AIBU to have left to cool down?

OP posts:

whatsinanameeh · 15/04/2023 17:19

Yanbu to have left the house to cool down, but tell him you've gone for a walk to clear your head

I'm every way I support the facts you've raised as I was thinking yesterday I can't recall anywhere my DH has taken our 13 yr old to that isn't a family members house or a shop to get something

You are right to raise this while kids are small, your DH needs to get a grip of what's best for his children no matter how hard it is

Original poster

Worriedmum40284 · 15/04/2023 17:22

Thank you. I should have said something. I've never just gone before.

I just couldn't sit and watch whilst he got stressed trying to get them out the door (would normally fall to me to make sure we have everything we need) when it's all so unnecessary and there was little point taking them anywhere now anyway.

I guess I thought he was point proving so I would too. Silly really.

I feel bad for the kids in case he then decided to stay and they were disappointed that the promised park trip hasn't materialised

OP posts:

Skybluepinky · 15/04/2023 17:23

You know he struggles but still left your children with him, no the best idea.

Treasureboxkey · 15/04/2023 17:27

Skybluepinky · 15/04/2023 17:23

You know he struggles but still left your children with him, no the best idea.

Sounds like convenient 'to lower expectations' struggling if you ask me?

What would happen if the female parent struggled? Would we expect less of them too?
Bollocks

Original poster

Worriedmum40284 · 15/04/2023 17:30

Skybluepinky · 15/04/2023 17:23

You know he struggles but still left your children with him, no the best idea.

I'll correct a couple of things there. They are 'our' children, not just mine.

I also never said he struggled. I said he thinks the 2yo behaves unreasonably and that is his reason for not taking them out. I disagree and manage myself.

He is a perfectly capable father in all other aspects.

I didn't ever think it was a problem to leave our children with their equally capable and responsible parent.... Should it be? That's a sad thought if so.

OP posts:

Haffdonga · 15/04/2023 17:32

Skybluepinky · 15/04/2023 17:23

You know he struggles but still left your children with him, no the best idea.

No, she left HIS children with him.

Blip · 15/04/2023 17:36

Surely you need to take young boys out for a good runaround every day otherwise how can you expect them to behave well? DH must know this.

Shopper727 · 15/04/2023 17:38

He clearly isn’t that capable if he can’t patent out of the house? It’s a good excuse though he just can’t be bothered yet you manage fine.

He needs to learn to manage the 2 year olds behaviour, it’s not hard to go to the park and set boundaries and let them know the behaviour he accepts but also be aware if youngest is tired or overwhelmed so they can leave before tantrums occur. You need to go out more, give him opportunities to deal with them himself. It’s pathetic of him really I mean what’s the point having kids if they never go out? Obs they go out with you or you both I assume? I couldn’t be bothered with that kind of behaviour tbh

lightlypoached · 15/04/2023 17:40

Don't be hard on yourself.

Sometimes you just need the space and to walk away.

He needs to step up. Not going out with 2 small children is just not a viable solution. You shouldn't have to, but maybe get a parenting book out if the library for him to read. Avoidance just isn't ok.

Take the time you need and have a hood talk with him after the kids are in bed.

CanoeADo · 15/04/2023 17:40

Maybe if he took them to the park by himself he would see other toddlers and realise that toddlers just behave this way. He needs to learn to do it, to cope because every bloody Mother has to.

I think you should tell him that next Saturday he has to take both children out and get over the fear. Do it after breakfast and well before lunch so that they are less likely to be hungry or overtired. As Elyse Myers says in a piss take of the Nike advert, Just Do It Scared.

herewegoroundthebastardbush · 15/04/2023 17:40

Skybluepinky · 15/04/2023 17:23

You know he struggles but still left your children with him, no the best idea.

Seriously??? So she has to stay with the kids at all times because he chooses the easy option instead of stepping up?

Marblessolveeverything · 15/04/2023 17:44

Not able to manage his two children for a park visit in my opinion is poor parenting. Energetic children need to run around, explore, play, it's there core way to learn and process.

Sit down calmly and explain this is part of parenting and strangely enough he isn't going to learn how to do it by avoiding it.

Talk him through your approach when you head out so you give the toddler jobs? I used to set them tasks keeps their brain busy and run he legs off them.

In my experience children ideally should be out and about daily I ran the legs off mine and never had half the tantrums I hear about. I believe it's because their heads and body were tired and their sensory needs were met.

Gymnopedie · 15/04/2023 17:45

He then got grumpy that I brought it up and decided he'd take them out then and there which has pissed me off as it's nearly dinnertime and it totally misses the point I was trying to make.

Ignore the dinnertime, they can eat later. IF he's taken them out and they've had a great time (maybe not, but still) it's a win. And shows he can do it.

However if, more likely, he comes back in a foul mood and the DCs are upset, focus on them until they're in bed and then I recommend a blazing row.

DH thinks he's exceptionally challenging and when the two kids are together it's tough. He's right, so acknowledge that.

But I still do it regularly as that's life as a parent and they need to get outside and not just be stuck at home. Which is the point you make over and over again.

Gymnopedie · 15/04/2023 17:47

PS I think you did the right thing to walk away. Force him to go through with what he said about talking them out, and give yourself some space.

Clymene · 15/04/2023 17:48

Well done OP. He's been totally unreasonable and he knows it. And now - because you made a reasonable point - he's trying to manipulate you so that you don't make it again.

How's the rest of your relationship?

Axahooxa · 15/04/2023 17:52

YANBU at all!! My DH has previously been frustrating in this exact same way. I hear you!

Eleganz · 15/04/2023 17:52

I don't think that disappearing without telling anyone is a grown up response to this regardless of how justified you are in feeling frustrated.

Axahooxa · 15/04/2023 17:54

You know he struggles but still left your children with him, no the best idea.

Don’t be daft. Everyone struggles at first-especially with a 2 year old in tow. Practice makes it easier and more manageable. It’s hard for EVERYONE not just OP’s DH!

GlassBunion · 15/04/2023 17:57

Was he working from home?

Original poster

Worriedmum40284 · 15/04/2023 18:02

Thanks everyone. I've come home - they were just coming in from playing in the garden.

We've had a little chat but will continue after the kids are in bed.

We take them out lots together and enjoy doing things as a 4. It's just when I'm out of the picture that I feel there's a bit of a problem. From his point of view, they were happy, playing with toys and he was interacting with them (which I'm sure is all true) so he can't see why it's a problem.

I think it is a confidence thing but you're all right in that this won't change by avoiding it.

He's a brilliant DH in all other ways, no other complaints.

OP posts:

whynotwhatknot · 15/04/2023 18:08

i dont think that brilliant he cant cope with his own children

my dsis ex said he couldnt be certain he could keep them safe outside--pathetic

Original poster

Worriedmum40284 · 15/04/2023 18:10

GlassBunion · 15/04/2023 17:57

Was he working from home?

No, neither of us work at the weekends. Which is where I suspect most of it comes from, he's used to doing things with me around and we enjoy family time together at the weekends.

I guess I got used to having them on my own whilst on maternity leave and the day I have off in the week whilst he work and he's always been used to me being around.

OP posts:

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