To hide during inlaw visit

TheGrandVisit · 2023-04-15T14:37:15+00:00

Genuinely unsure... My inlaws do not seem to like me very much, it used to annoy me but now I just think we are very, very different. They are due to visit us and DC for first time in years. We have a very small house, DC have significant needs. There will be a lot of adults all crowding the DC and fussing. I mentioned to my parents I might just invent a reason to go theirs and leave DH, inlaws and DC to it. DM thought it was a good idea, DF thought it was completely unreasonable. So as not to drip feed, there is some history of me feeling like I put in all the leg work to facilitate inlaws' relationship with DC with me being kept around as a nanny for the difficult tasks while they ignore me and talk about what an amazing Dad / husband / human DH is for the most basic things (DH thinks they're ridiculous for this too). YANBU - escape to your own parents and hide from the tension. YABU - it's just one weekend, suck it up and muck in.

oldestmumaintheworld · 15/04/2023 15:44

I've said this often before but don't suppose it hurts to say it again, you do not have to like your in-laws. You don't have to tolerate them, you don't have to get along with them. They're not your parents. Go to your parents home whilst they visit and let your husband deal with them. It's his job not yours.

Original poster

TheGrandVisit · 15/04/2023 15:48

oldestmumaintheworld · 15/04/2023 15:44

I've said this often before but don't suppose it hurts to say it again, you do not have to like your in-laws. You don't have to tolerate them, you don't have to get along with them. They're not your parents. Go to your parents home whilst they visit and let your husband deal with them. It's his job not yours.

I wasted a lot of my 20s trying to get them to like me, it really was never going to happen!

OP posts:

WhenisitmyturntobePM · 15/04/2023 15:56

You could do that and there would be some justice to it. But you would being leaving your husband in the lurch, no? When I have something I’m dreading, my husband does it with me, and vice versa. Share the pain, no?

Sneakyblinders · 15/04/2023 16:04

I think it's a little rude if they are visiting and haven't done for years. If the visit is going to be an extended one though I think disappearing for part of it might be OK!

LookItsMeAgain · 15/04/2023 16:06

What I would do is have the visit to your parents in your back pocket. You'll only need to use it if your in-laws begin with their usual arsing around.

I'd tell your DH that he has to step up, considerably, during their stay or you will go to your folks for the duration of their visit. Ask him to actually be present when they are there - by that I mean that he has to hear everything that they are saying, particularly to you and to the kids. If there is anything that if it were to be said by someone to him and he wouldn't like being on the receiving end, he steps up and puts a stop to it.

If they are just not interested in you, then there isn't much you can do about that. I'd have to treat their indifference with an equal dose of indifference.

They have made it abundantly clear over the years that they don't want to have a relationship with you so while you've been busting a gut trying the reverse, to have a relationship with them for the sake of their son, you've had enough and you're not going to do it any more.

Have an overnight bag ready so that you can leave at a moments notice. No massive drama, and you can, if you wanted to, discretely leave or you could say that you're going to your parents house (don't have to give them a reason).

VioletCharlotte · 15/04/2023 16:10

How long is the visit..just for the day or the whole weekend?

Albiboba · 15/04/2023 16:14

oldestmumaintheworld · 15/04/2023 15:44

I've said this often before but don't suppose it hurts to say it again, you do not have to like your in-laws. You don't have to tolerate them, you don't have to get along with them. They're not your parents. Go to your parents home whilst they visit and let your husband deal with them. It's his job not yours.

This doesn’t work for most people in reality.
I certainly would not want to be in a marriage, particularly with children where my partner could not tolerate or be polite to my parents.

AdvicePlsThanks · 15/04/2023 16:17

If it was me and my husband could manage (even if he didn’t want to) I’d go to my parents’. I married him not his family and as long as I’m not getting in the way of his or DC’s relationship with them then I have a clear conscience. I wouldn’t expect him to facilitate DC’s relationship with my family so all fair.

Original poster

TheGrandVisit · 15/04/2023 16:25

Whole weekend and if experience has taught me anything, it'll be very intense...

I like the idea of keeping it in my back pocket.

They would definitely, definitely "notice" (loudly) if I am absent for any part of it, whereas my parents wouldn't really mind if DH slipped away for part of a visit, in fact I visit parents' on my own with DC to give DH a bit of respite fairly regularly.

OP posts:

TheKobayashiMaru · 15/04/2023 16:26

Life's too short to spend a weekend with people who actively do not like you.

OriginalUsername2 · 15/04/2023 16:37

Get your mum to facilitate a reason she needs you there. Perfect. I don’t put up with situations like that anymore, life’s too short.

Jagoda · 15/04/2023 16:39

Oh I would invent some reason why I had to go to parents a day before the weekend started, so I didn’t have to bother with the prepping either.

Who cares if they miss their opportunity to be horrible to you in your own home.

Snipples · 15/04/2023 16:44

Ah OP I sympathise as my in-laws are here for the weekend too. And I find them difficult. I just add in lots of time for myself so if the kids are busy playing with MIL I quietly slope off and chill upstairs or go and have a bath or whatever. We all went to the park earlier and I left them in the play area while I walked the dog for a bit. I take my time if popping to the shops etc.

On their last visit, me and my DH went for dinner while they baby sat and we both popped round to my parents for a quick drink after rather than rush home to in-laws (he finds them quite overbearing at times too whereas we can be ourselves round my mum and dad).

Anyway - if you need a quick escape, take it. It's no biggie in the long run and good luck!

Original poster

TheGrandVisit · 15/04/2023 16:45

"Who cares if they miss their opportunity to be horrible to you in your own home." 😅

Also, I love my Dad, but I do think it's telling that he thinks I should be at home facilitating DH, whereas Mum is all up for me sneaking out.

I guess it will be a tiny bit unfair me leaving DH to it, it will be hard work for him, but I do it with my own parents.

OP posts:

BMW6 · 15/04/2023 16:48

LookItsMeAgain · 15/04/2023 16:06

What I would do is have the visit to your parents in your back pocket. You'll only need to use it if your in-laws begin with their usual arsing around.

I'd tell your DH that he has to step up, considerably, during their stay or you will go to your folks for the duration of their visit. Ask him to actually be present when they are there - by that I mean that he has to hear everything that they are saying, particularly to you and to the kids. If there is anything that if it were to be said by someone to him and he wouldn't like being on the receiving end, he steps up and puts a stop to it.

If they are just not interested in you, then there isn't much you can do about that. I'd have to treat their indifference with an equal dose of indifference.

They have made it abundantly clear over the years that they don't want to have a relationship with you so while you've been busting a gut trying the reverse, to have a relationship with them for the sake of their son, you've had enough and you're not going to do it any more.

Have an overnight bag ready so that you can leave at a moments notice. No massive drama, and you can, if you wanted to, discretely leave or you could say that you're going to your parents house (don't have to give them a reason).

100% this. Great solution. 👍

potatowhale · 15/04/2023 16:51

I often nip out to run a few errands

SoNotRainbowRhythms · 15/04/2023 17:36

TheGrandVisit · 15/04/2023 16:25

Whole weekend and if experience has taught me anything, it'll be very intense...

I like the idea of keeping it in my back pocket.

They would definitely, definitely "notice" (loudly) if I am absent for any part of it, whereas my parents wouldn't really mind if DH slipped away for part of a visit, in fact I visit parents' on my own with DC to give DH a bit of respite fairly regularly.

You are owed some respite then. Go to your DPs and don't look back