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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend annoyed with me again...

16 replies

Normalotnot · 15/04/2023 09:23

We have children the same age, one very young primary and one pre primary.

We’ve only met up once during the Easter holidays (2 week holiday) and I’ve just received a message from her saying I’ve ignored her during the school holidays like I always do.

I feel a mixture of upset that she’s upset, worried that I’ve upset her but also a little irritated because the school holidays are just two weeks long! During the 17 days (that includes 3 weekends), we’ve had the Easter weekend which is family stuff for us,, both sets of grandparents wanted a day each week with them (I have to go too),we’ve had two family birthdays, I’ve seen another friend twice, and a couple of family days out....that’s 14 days, 15 days accounted for if you include the one day I saw my friend! That’s just a couple of days spare to do nothing!

AIBU?

OP posts:

VainAbigail · 15/04/2023 09:30

I’ve seen another friend twice

At the end of the day your time is your own, but does your friend know this?!

Lovingitallnow · 15/04/2023 09:32

Has she made suggestions that you've ignored? Or were you vague? My friend and I would text when we're sorting out meeting up and saying we're jammers this holiday won't see you or whatever.

2chocolateoranges · 15/04/2023 09:32

I’d message back and say the Easter holidays have been hectic with family days out and you haven’t had a minute to yourself .

do not apologise!

Cherryana · 15/04/2023 09:37

Wow…she has been stewing on this. It highlights how insecure and self pitying she is. She won’t be aware of this though.

It’s not your job to fix her, it’s not even your job to consider her in your plans - moving forward you will need to consider your boundaries in this friendship.

hungryh1ppo · 15/04/2023 09:40

How much do you like your friend? I have a friend I would go to the end of the Earth for. She is high maintenance and gets jealous but would also help me hide the bodies (not literally - don't worry). I know she is insecure so I always have a couple of days booked in with her for days out. We arrange an evening out for a drink or FaceTimes for catch up. Some people just feel more insecure!

However, if you're not that bothered then I would back away slowly as this kind of friendship only gets more and more intense in my experience.

BartsLongLostBro · 15/04/2023 09:43

"Aw Easter is such a busy time, glad I got to see you once though. How was your hol?"

Or something?
She is just lobely clearly. I wouldn't respond directly. She may regret her message in due course.

MoggyMittens23 · 15/04/2023 09:55

BartsLongLostBro · 15/04/2023 09:43

"Aw Easter is such a busy time, glad I got to see you once though. How was your hol?"

Or something?
She is just lobely clearly. I wouldn't respond directly. She may regret her message in due course.

Yeah I would do this too

MangoPi · 15/04/2023 09:55

Does she try to make plans with you often?

I have a friend who it does feel very one sided at times as I often feel it is me who is always trying to engage with her and see them - I don't bother as much anymore. I didn't bring it up either because end of the day you're entitled to spend your time how you like.

coffeeisthebest · 15/04/2023 09:59

You don't need to justify your time to her or is OP. Do what you like, it's your life. She is being needy so you can either let her know you aren't going to be able to support her emotionally like she wants or you can continue on playing this game with her. It's your call

Saz12 · 15/04/2023 10:11

Have you ignored her messages or invitations? If you have then I can see why shes upset about that.
How often do you see her in term time?
If its once a month, then shes beibg completely ridiculous.
If its several times a week in twrm time then you all but drop her in holidays, then youve got to see why she feels used.
If its a regular weekly catch up then it'd have been nicer to say to her "we've quite a few days with grandparents over the holiays, so we'll not be around for meeting up much, but it'll lovely to see you after school on xyz if youre free?"
Id go easy on the "holidays are such a busy time" as the reality is you can't have been so stressed having family days that you couldnt drop hwr a "hello, hope you're having fun" type message.

coffeeisthebest · 15/04/2023 10:12

'Or us' that should say, sorry!

MojoMoon · 15/04/2023 10:14

Do you actually like her individually or is this more a "mum friend" where you have kids a similar age and always do things with the kids? Eg this is playdates friendship not a friendship between two adults?

Has she texted you a lot and you ignored her?

If she is a valued friend in her own right, I'd suggest meeting up just the two of you - no kids - and asking her how she is feeling because it seems like she is lonely and needy. Maybe she needs to talk about something.

If she is a playdate mum friend, then just respond saying "I see you feel disappointed but we were busy with Easter and family visits so that has filled the holiday. I hope you had a pleasant holiday and the children enjoyed it"

And then back off from this friendship as she sounds too much hard work for a playdate friend.

NadjaCravensworth1 · 15/04/2023 10:16

She sounds like a chore

drpet49 · 15/04/2023 10:17

“I’ve just received a message from her saying I’ve ignored her during the school holidays like I always do.”

So what’s the backstory but according to her you always ignore her?

HettieHelvetica · 15/04/2023 10:18

Cherryana · 15/04/2023 09:37

Wow…she has been stewing on this. It highlights how insecure and self pitying she is. She won’t be aware of this though.

It’s not your job to fix her, it’s not even your job to consider her in your plans - moving forward you will need to consider your boundaries in this friendship.

Seconded. It’s not your job to manage her feelings.

Honeyroar · 15/04/2023 11:03

BartsLongLostBro · 15/04/2023 09:43

"Aw Easter is such a busy time, glad I got to see you once though. How was your hol?"

Or something?
She is just lobely clearly. I wouldn't respond directly. She may regret her message in due course.

That would be a diplomatic reply. Although your friend has slightly lit the touch paper with that last line of her text! Has she suggested anything and have you ignored her messages? Has she any reason to feel ignored? (not that you have to spend time with her!)

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